My century ride is July 21st. Up until last Sunday I really hadn't fully comprehended the fact that I would be riding 100 miles in one day. It's always been a pipe dream of mine to complete, ever since I was diagnosed and heard about the MS ride. The idea had slowly churned in my mind, year after year, while every year I played through the "what if I ride" scenario I never bit the bullet and signed up.
Truth be told I would had never signed up if it wasn't for Erik. I've completed countless rides during the week and spent weekends completing long rides with him. Erik can out ride me any day of the week so he hasn't worried about this distance like I have. I've spent months analyzing the route and climbs...maybe my Map My Ride account needs to be disabled... This past Sunday, in between the lawn mowing and movie marathon, I realized what I actually committed to. There's no backing out now, I have donations for this ride and it's no longer something that only a few people know I'm doing. Heck, a lot of people know I am doing this ride now, and maybe that is what frightens me.
That, what if I can't, has crept into my brain and I can't seem to shake it. Sunday night, as Erik passed out rather quickly from his day of mountain biking, I found myself crawling out of bed and heading towards the bathroom as tears rushed out of my eyes. I've hit the wall where it seems that all I think about is biking...whether it's planning my next ride, analyzing past rides, planning meals around rides, planning life around ride or simply just thinking about riding I can't seem to think about anything else. Sunday night I was overwhelmed with all the thoughts and it took me a great while to pull myself together enough to crawl back into bed.
No matter how many times someone tells me that I will have no problem crossing the finish line, I seriously question their responses. I'm well aware that we are all our own worst critics and for me to really finish this thing I'm going to need to find a way to quiet those thoughts.
I took a night off from riding completely last night and went shopping with my mom. I thought for sure that swimsuit shopping (swimsuit shopping = completely unstressful = complete and utter lie) would distract me from riding because lets be honest, does anyone actually enjoy this process? Sure enough though when I got home I beat myself up for not riding and since rest days are becoming a foreign concept to me, I headed to the gym for a late night upper body weight session. Fact: I felt 100% better post sweat but still 100% guilty for not riding. I am fully aware that one missed ride is not going to derail anything training wise but it's like my mind loves to say "well, if you don't finish we can blame that missed ride in June..."
Erik strongly believes I am fully capable of riding this distance, but I always wonder if he is just saying that because he feels he has to. I'm glad that I have him around on long rides because I couldn't push myself the way he pushes me and he's smart enough to realize when I really need to slow down and take a break. I'm starting to think he may know my limits better than I know my own which is problematic. Even this past weekend when we were climbing hills I had a constant rotation of "you can't do this...this is crazy" playing in my head which obviously isn't ideal for success. I really need to work on focusing on my strengths and pushing through my weaknesses so I can grow from them.
Let's be real, if I don't push myself when things get tough I will never get better at the tough things.
Do you have trouble pushing yourself when things get tough? How do you combat yourself from pressing the self destruction button when things get tricky?