Monday, December 28

When did blogging become so difficult?

I wish I knew why it is so hard for my to write out my thoughts. I guess that maybe I don't want to actually spell them out because then its a reality. Why would that be so, it probably wouldn't be at might actually help.

I am actually thinking about therapy for the first time school offers its...and maybe it will help sort things out. Then again if I can't write out my thoughts how am I going to actually physically say them.

Isn't there some machine yet that we can be hooked out that can just download our thoughts with one click?

Since I am not going to talk about anything that is really bothering me, and I just seem to be tip-toeing around everything I'll change the subject.

Music. I took a trip today to this place downtown and grabbed some cds...

- XX by The Xx...if a record could morph into a person, I would marry whatever man came out of this record in a heartbeat. This band is out of London and has this sleek sound and is just oozing in this cool, dark, perfect for a bar, smoky, sexy vibe. (I must be broken I used sexy in a sentence...yuck) Truth is, I never realized Indie could be so utterly amazing, I usually write it off before it hits my ears. This though, I can't turn it off, its calming, yet intriguing.

- Save Me, San Fransciso by Train. This is Trains latest release and yeah not really feeling it completly...I do however like a few songs...Hey, Soul Sister - Marry Me - and Breakfest in Bed...those three are my its not a bad albulm at all...just not what I expected...

- Cycles by Cartel. A fellow blogger, Heather, had a Cartel song playing on her blog for a bit and it caught my attention...All I can say is that this cd is just great to listen to. It's great all the way through and the first time and then again the second and third complaints.

And now its time to go to bed...well not really...just listen to XX and solve some Sodokus before I fall asleep.

Wednesday, December 23

13th Tysabri Infusion...I think its 13...or maybe 12

I am currently miserable. I had my 13th (I think...I lost count) infusion yesterday and all went well. Had bloodwork done also at the lab so I got 2 nice bruises on my arms. I went to bed early last night because I was exhausted.

Woke up this morning in pain, everything hurt and everything still hurts. Every muscle, every joint, every inch of my aches. Strange. My brother decided to be a complete ass today, he is 19, and so instead of being able to drive separately to the wake, we had to go with separately my parents. I tried to explain that I felt like shit and it would prob. make more sense for me to go so I could leave early and avoid staying for 3+ hours. No one seemed to listen until about 20 minutes into the wake my mom apparently noticed that me standing was a bad combination and I was quickly given the keys to the car and go to go hang on the couch at my grandparents. When every joint throbs its hard to stand and pretend like everything is peachy. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, it is Christmas Eve tomorrow for goodness sakes.

Sunday, December 20

Long Day...

I had no intentions on posting anything lately...but today was a weird day.

My family was on our way to my grandparents. My grandpas sister and her husband live next door, and have for ever. Today my great uncle, my grandpas sister husband, collapsed as he stepped outside of there house to go to lunch. We found out on our way to my grandparents. We still went. Paramedics worked on him outside in the snow, but he was gone. He was 86. My grandpa held him as he died. As we pulled into my grandparents you could see the spot, all the snow compacted down...We were supposed to visit them today, I hadn't seen them since the summer...guess plans change.

It was a long day. It was a long day for my great aunt. She and her husband were married 63 years. 4 hours after he died...she had a heart attack. Shes in stable condition. I can't imagine losing a sole mate.

Tysabri on Tuesday. I'm going to stay with Steph tomorrow...should be fun.

Tuesday, December 15

I kinda suck at blogging...

and I apologize for that...but I'm sure everyone has those brief moments in time that you just are not interested in anything...I'm home from college for winter break and I'm just moving through the paces...nothing really interests me, nothing but music I'll leave you with a verse from a song that I love...

"Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now,
Sleep's not coming easy for a while, child"
-Something Corporate - Down -

Tuesday, December 8

Tomorrow is my last day of student teaching. It's currently 11:46PM and all I am wishing for is a snow day tomorrow. I'm officially over student teaching.

Friday, November 27

Maybe you've noticed...

I have taken a bit of a break from the blogging world. I have still been reading everyones blogs, but I am a firm believer that we all need to take a step back sometimes just to put everything in perspective.

I've had a hell of a year. To think that it has only been a year just blows my mind. It's so hard to block out everything that has happened and just pretend that everything is how it used to be but in a way everything seems to be the same. I have been growing out my hair, I always hated long hair but I had such puffy cheeks from all the steroids, having long hair was something I could control. Wednesday afternoon I had it all chopped off. All my friends are still under the assumption that I had it just trimmed. I have been home since Tuesday night for Thanksgiving break. I decided well over a month ago that I needed to feel like I used to. I always hated long hair...I love when my hair is short. Hair is one of those things that I can control. While everyone said they loved my hair long, I choose to chop it off.

My hair was a reminder of everything that I was trying to hide from. I was hiding from my steroid cheeks, I was hiding from the MS. As many times as I tried to convince myself that I could fight it, I just wanted to believe that so badly that at times I did believe it.

As I look in the mirror now, I finally see my old self. That person that I started to believe did not exist. She's back...and she is so ready to kick ass.

I guess this is just a quick hello post, I'm still working on grasping this idea of a new, but old me, this year I lost my sense of direction but I am finally starting to navigate through the muddy waters that I now call my life. I am truely happy though- I started to forget what happy even was- I'm not scarred of what is waiting in the future- I know that I can do anything- I can honestly say I am happy with the decisions I have made this past year, I wouldn't change a thing...I am happy, I am content, I can look into the mirror and finally love what I see.

So...I am still breathing and I promise to check in again in the upcoming weeks...but until next time...<3

"Katie, Katie I'm sorry that in your condition
The sunshine's been missing but Katie,
Don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Katie, Katie be happy
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
We're not really here, and we're really not there
We're really not there."

Thursday, November 26

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving fellow bloggers!

I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Last year I spent my Thanksgiving in the hospital and was discharged Thanksgiving evening...I am thankful that this Thanksgiving I am home, doing 100times better than everyone could have ever hoped for or expected and that I get to eat real home cooked food with my family this Thanksgiving.

Sunday, November 15

Introducing Carlos and Alden

Carlos(Steph's) is on the left and Alden(mine) is on the right...Steph and I have always wanted a pet other than a fish at school so yesterday we finally went out and got hermit crabs...

Now off to call my Grandma for our weekly chat...

Thursday, November 12

Dear Anonymous..

Just so everyone is on the same page I recieved a nice comment from a reader...see below...I may be in a interesting mood but you anonymous comment givers frustrate me...oh, I changed the settings on my blog because of now have to be a registered user, maybe that will deter the unwanted comments...Don't get me wrong though, I love comments, comments that make me smile and let me know that people do understand. I am grateful beyond words for my followers, without you I doubt I would have kept this blog up for so long.

"First, it's quirk not cork. Second, you're a teacher - use spellcheck, or proof more carefully. Third, and last, I agree with you about the messes in the kitchen - especially when living with roommates. Nothing may change, but I'd gently confront the person/s responsible.

Glad you're feeling better. Keep on writing!"

Dear Anonymous...
1. If you are going to critique my blog please have the decency to at least leave a name with a email adress so I can personally thank you for visiting my blog.

2. If you seriously have issues with my grammar and spelling you can fucking close the window, there is this cute little red x in the corner of your screen...if you require further directions of how to do so just let me know.

3. I am a teacher, actually I am a student teacher, but thank you for pointing that out. I am also a 21 year old college student. I also have MS, so seeing how I have been working 8 hour days minimum for free, then completing course work for college outside of student teaching I should be allowed to have typos. Lastly I am human, we all make mistakes, we all make errors, or at least that is what I have been explaining to my students. I would just love to personally proofread your writing but oh, like I said in number 1, you left no information...

4. Blogs are ways to connect with people on a whole new level and to find support that you can not find from the people around you on a normal basis. I thoroughly enjoy every blog I follow, I may not comment all the time, but I take the time to read and listen to what that person is saying. I don't pay attention to grammer and spelling, I pay attention to what that person is saying, what they are trying to express, that is the important part.

5. I would say something mean and nasty, but I will refrain, instead I will just say that spell check is two words, not one...I mean you could hyphen it if you wanted but that is extra work. Don't fret though, we all make mistakes.


I am weird. I am well aware of my corks...I'll even share one because I am in a very random mood.

I am a clean freak when it comes to kitchens. I have issues when other people cook, espically meat, because I am almost positive people don't know how to use a meat thermometer. I am terrified with fear of cross contamination..cutting meat with a cutting board and the cutting veggies on it that someone serves raw freaks me out...there is plently more but I wont bore you.

When a person uses pots/pans/plates/utencils to make a meal all I ask is that said tools are cleaned within a resonsonable amount of time after they have been used. This summer my dad bought me these amazing pans, lime green, coated with teflon, I could melt cheese over them and they just wipe scrubbing ever...anyways, I do not mind when my roommates use them, they are there for everyone. However, when they use them and leave them for 27 hours...yes I bugs me to no belief. No, not just one lime green pan was used but 2 pots, and big spoons all sat on the counter, just stitting in the greease and cheese and nastiness...I waited, and waited for them to be cleaned but all day all I could think about was if the kitchen was being cleaned up. It was never cleaned...I caved, I cleaned it...

I feel like I am my dad...he would never have a dirty kitchen...I hate dirty kitchens...

This is the 2nd time this week I have cleaned up a day+ later someone elses mess...I could address the issue but I know things wont change...I'm happy least when I clean them I feel like they are really clean...

Like I said, I know I am weird maybe a tad OCD, I accept it, I love it.

Wednesday, November 11

It has been a while since I have written a real blog...but I guess I don't have a lot to say. The funny thing is I was planning on writting one tonight, even had it all planned out in my mind, but I was distracted and have been seraching through

I think next semester I am going to start volunteering...It's about time I start giving back...

Monday, November 9

suprise suprise

Sinus infection...I'm pretty sure at this point I could self diagnose myself with that one...


Still 4..heading over to a urgent care place just to get checked out to ease my parents minds...

Sunday, November 8

day 3: still sick

I woke up this morning gasping for air, stuffy nose and a horrible cough lead to me hyperventilating.

That all kind of disaptated once I was up and I started to feel better. I was fever free and could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And then whatever I had decided to morph and kick my ass skin burns, it could be from the 100ish temp I am running, my body just aches and earlier the room was literally spinning so I took a nap...weirdest nap ever...even though I have never dabbled in the whole illict drug thing what I expierenced during my hour and a half nap I would definitely classify as one insane trip...

I guess I scored a sick day for myself tomorrow...I have to be fever free for 24 hours till I can go back.

I'll try again tomorrow...

Friday, November 6

sick day

I woke up, felt iffy, stopped at the store on the way to grab a thermometer and no fever so thats good, then went to school and got sent home by my teacher. Fail.

I guess its a sweat pants and tv day...

Thursday, November 5


I felt a bit "iffy" this morning but I went off to school. I had a observation today for Microsoft Word, itwent well but it was 60 straight minutes of talking...excessive talking...and not talking in your everyday kinda voice, but instead it was just short of shouting. I kept thinking that my throat hurt but it was because I was talking so much. Come to find out my co-operating teacher also had a sore throat as well as Steph.

Peachy keen...goodbye healthy body, hello sickness. I've got Robitussin in my system so lets hope I make it through tomorrow cause then its the weekend!

Monday, November 2

It's almost Tuesday...

I truely, honestly believe that on full moons everything is 100x stranger than normal. Full moon plus that fact that today was a Monday just tripled the strangeness today. Long story short, the sound on the computers failed for a movie I was supposed to play so luckily I had a backup plan, I ran insanely late for school this morning, I spilled soup everywhere at lunch, I couldn't find the "play" button on the DVD player (there were only two buttons on the damn contraption), my advisor called to change by meeting with him from 4 to 3:30 only for me to arrive at 3:28 to find out his 3oclock appt. had yet to start, my ankle hurts like a (insert naughty word here) and the Yankees are currently losing.

Tomorrow will also be a long goal is to go to bed soon...well once I finish my Yuengling...its a pretty tasty beer, Yuengling and saltine crackers <-- which I think I am addicted too...or maybe I just like the salt on them. Steph commented Friday night that I drink alot and I laughed because I go threw a 6 pack in about a month...I guess 6 is alot when all my roommates drink 0... what can I say, I am just not a wine kinda girl...

Saturday, October 31

Yesterday as I was walking out to my car to head to school I managed to trip over air and roll my ankle. Of course its my ankle that I cant really feel and I definitely can't feel my foot either from a previous MS attack. So I just decided to head to school anyway... I soon however realised the my foot was throbbing in pain as I drove, one of those it hurts so much you're going to throw-up kinda pains. Long story short it still hurts, I woke up this morning to it throbbing...

But, its just another bump in the road...

I also got my swine-flu vaccine school decided yesterday to open vaccines to everyone on campus so I went after school to grab one to find health services mobbed. Luckily I had printed out my email stating that I was in the "top priority" category on campus so as soon as I signed my form I was called back and injected. I forgot that injection hurt when they get into your muscle...

Thursday, October 29

11th Tysabri Infusion

I had my 11th Tysabri infusion yesterday and everything went well. The NP that I saw a couple of weeks ago also stopped by to check up on me which was nice. I made sure to tell her how much I am enjoying the extra boost from the Ritalin and how it is really making a positive impact for me. She then told me how I just seemed to be functioning better and she noted that when she would ask me a question the last time I saw her it would take longer than normal to register and for me to spit out an answer and that this time things were much more natural and flowing.

It's always cool to have someone notice a difference. I also mentioned the whole H1N1 virus vaccination and she suggested I get one just because of the fact that I am working with so many people in I will be in health services tomorrow getting a needle stick.

I am really enjoying working in a high school. Its weird how much you actually start to enjoy being around your students. I never really knew what they actually thought about me but I was talking to the teacher across the hall today, who is also a business teacher, and he was mentioning how students have been telling him how much they like having me around. It's definitely very cool...a few students keep asking me if I will be working there soon.

I received a package in the mail yesterday, my parents sent a box of snacks for me and my roommates. In exchange for the package I was given a mission to track down a cd for my mom. My parents are coming for dinner on Sunday and she would like the cd by then. I LOVE these kind of challenges, sure you could buy it online...but for me its about the hunt. I can't wait to spend my Saturday tracking down the cd for her.

While I love being here, it's weird because this is the first semester I haven't been home in a long while. Usually I go a 3-4 times a semester but the last time I was home was the weekend of September 4th to see a concert. I do get to go home after I teach on the 24th of this month and I will have 4 days home. At this point I miss my's funny how I always miss my bed...

Monday, October 26

Pumpkin Patch

Saturday my roommates and I went to a nearby pumpkin patch at a local farm. Bird poop fell out of the sky and landed on my hand. This is the after picture. Isn't it lovely?!

Thursday, October 22

School stuff...and a few randoms

My teacher is absent today, well she had a conference and I got left with the sub. I am eating lunch in the classroom today, the sub randomly got up and left the room about 6 minutes before the bell went off to leave for lunch. He took the keys with him...I couldn't look the room up and the room is full of computers, and peoples bookbags, purses and whatever else students carry around these days. I thought about going to the teachers room like I usually do, but it would be awkward without my teacher here I am guardian of the classroom eating my peanut butter sand which (sadly I forgot the fluff) and drinking from my juice box, yes, I do bring a juice box to school with my sandwich in a brown paper bag. My roommates laugh and call me a little kid, but I always figure if I was a little kid I would be carrying around a Hannah Montana lunch pale.

The Ritalin is working. Actually I function so much better on it. I am focused, and can stay on task and when I talk things come out better. I don't mix up words in every sentence...its kinda cool. The best part is that I can actually see the change. I talked to my dad last night and he noticed the change that every other word wasn't jumbled up. Of course I am wired though, like more energy than I used to and its like I feel like I did before I got sick...I used to always have this much energy, and was always focused and on task, so I am really excited.

Plus it made my week to hear that my MRI scans were better than expected.

The real reason that I am writing is because I received an email today from my colleges health services, it was only addressed to me and the assistant director of student activities:

--------- College Student Health Services has received a limited supply of H1N1 vaccine.You are receiving this email because the CDC has recommended that certain individuals receive the 2009 vaccine when it first is available.If you are interested in receiving this free vaccine, please come to Student Health Services Tuesday October 27th 9 am-12 noon or Friday October 30th 2 pm-4 pm. No appointment is needed.You will be required to remain in health services for 15 minutes after you receive the vaccine, so please plan accordingly.If you have any questions about whether to receive this vaccine, please contact your primary care provider.Please go to the following website and review the Vaccine Information Sheet (VIS) before you come to receive your vaccine.

Thank you (then her info followed so obviously I left that part out)

Well, health services is aware of my MS, and they were not pleased with me last semester when I did not register with the students with disabilities office...soo I am sure they will be please when I do not get the flu shot...but in all honesty why should I get it? I prob should have ran it by the NP at the MS clinic when I was there, but hey I forgot...

My college is trying to REQUIRE all student teachers to get them...I know there are nurses in NYS who are refusing to get the vaccine and have already taken it to the state level and so far the court has not ruled either way, but the idea that its a requirement makes me even more irritated.

So I would love to hear any ones thoughts out there about getting the vaccine? The good, bad and the ugly, answers are always appreciated :)

Monday, October 19

MRI results and Neuro appointment

I got my MRI results today and good news, actually pretty amazing news is that my scan showed the least activity it has ever shown, which is kinda super duper cool. The NP that I met with was very cool and she definitely understood where I was coming from with my annoying MS hiccups and she quickly ruled out steriods to treat the fatigue. I guess she would normally start with that but since I do not respond to them I got prescribed Ritalin. Ritalin. Really...I was like, "uhhhh ok, last time I checked I do not have ADHD but who knows maybe it will help.

I don't know, does anyone have any experiences with Ritalin? Good, bad, the ugly...I'll take any information and thoughts...

Other than that, everything is good...ooh my observation for school went really well, I am actually starting to really like teaching.

Now it is bedtime...

Sunday, October 18

(un)happy anniversary to me

That is right, it’s my anniversary, my anniversary with MS that is. About this time one year ago my symptoms started took right off, by the next day I was unofficially diagnosed with MS in the ER and the officially diagnosed two days later in my hospital room. I remember thinking to myself that my life would never be the same. It is not like MS would simply go away, there is no magic pill, and there is no chance to go back to life without it.

It would be impossible for me to say that I am one hundred percent happy with how things are now, but like I have said so many times, I can still remember what it was like not to think about MS. At some point though you just have to suck it up and accept the fact that things have changed and they will forever remain changed. No matter how hard I try, I will always wake up with MS.

There have been many noticeable differences in the past year for me. Some of those differences have come and gone, some have remained and some have just started appearing. I am very grateful that the ones that have gone are gone; I will never take for granted the ability to speak, to smile, to laugh. I am grateful that the crippling spasms that I had for a month and a half have subsided. I am grateful that I was able to go back to school and push forward and recover to a functioning level.

As always with the positives always comes the negative. The extreme fatigue that I have been dealing with in the more recent weeks, the difficulty regulating my body temperature (steaming, hot, showers- oh how I miss thee), the constant speech mix ups, the problems controlling movements, these are just some of the things I hate and will always hate about this disease.

The funny thing about all that I have been through is in the end it’s made me insanely strong and determined. I refuse to sit on the sidelines, no matter how tired I am and how gross I feel, I always choose to step up to the plate and challenge myself. I don’t want people’s sympathy and it’s hard when people apologize to me for this disease – like they are the ones who gave it to me. When I told my co-operating teacher all about what was going on because I felt it was important to explain the things that could possible affect me, she kept apologizing. Trust me, if there was a person who was waving some magic wand giving people this disease I would be first in line to deck them, but there isn’t so apologies won’t help.

People’s apologies are not what make me stronger. My co-operating teacher kept commenting on how strong I must be and all I could say to her was that you have to be strong. Sure, I have and will always have days where getting out of bed seems pointless, but it is on those days that your true strength comes out and you push through everything. Those bad days have made me so much stronger, those bad days have added so much to my character, and those bad days are what push me to succeed. My friends that have stuck by my side this past year push me so much; they have no idea what they really mean to me.

As I wrap up this part of the post I would like to also say thank you to my readers. The fact that I have “followers” is mind blowing to me. The online MS community is amazing and supportive and it’s always great to know you are not alone. Lisa Emrich has done an amazing job gathering all the MS blogs in one place at the Carnival of MS Bloggers . When I started my blog I thought the idea of having people read it was terrifying and I was very tempted to block it from public access. I am so glad that I choose otherwise. The idea of letting my roommates or my friends read this blog is terrifying. To date, I have only sent the link to one of my friends and even that was a hard task to accomplish. Maybe eventually I will be able to give them the link…maybe in a few years...

Once again thank you all so much for reading, commenting and for writing such amazing blogs.

P.S- I had my MRI Friday, I have my appointment tomorrow at 3:30 with my neurologist and his nurse practitioner…I have to remember to write out my questions and concerns because I know I will not remember them by tomorrow afternoon. Oh also, my dinner last Wednesday night with the 20’s and 30’s something MS group went well, dinner was really tasty and the guest speaker was an Aromatherapist. I will say that having a aromatherapist at dinner is not top of my list just because she kept passing around different essential oils all throughout dinner and had us smell them. It kind of killed my appetite, good thing for doggy bags though. I promise to write more about the aromatherapist sometime this week, it was very interesting to say the least.

Wednesday, October 14

Free dinner...

Tonight was the dinner that I blogged about a while ago in a post named wow, seriously is this for real? I had a long day, I don't feel good but I promise I will blog about it tomorrow before or after school...

For now I just wanna sleep and get through my observation tomorrow...wish me luck...

Tuesday, October 13

Oh appointments

I taught today and of course in the back of my mind was doctors and MRIs. I made the decision last week to tell my cooperating teacher what was going on MS wise. I haven't planned on telling her, but I guess my reasoning behind that was that if its not bothering me, why do I need to put it out there. I didn't want her worrying about giving me to much work, or over stressing me...ect. Since I haven't been feeling so great I decided that I would let her know what was going on.

I told her what was going on and of course she had a ton of questions...we talked for a good 40-50 minutes about it. I felt so bad because I kept trying to explain things and she just sat there and looked as if she was going to cry, and she couldn't believe how much I had been through...It;s weird to see other peoples reactions to things like that, but she is surprised about how positive I am about everything but I keep telling her that you have to be, its no good to sit and sulk ( as much as I want to sometimes) but you have to keep pushing forward.

I'm glad she knows just so she realizes that when I kinda have problems saying things and getting my thoughts out she at least knows why. I told her today that I was expecting two phone calls to schedule appointments and she was totally ok with me making calls during lunch to get everything straightened out.

My neuros office called and left a message that said I could be seen Thursday at 10 or 10:30...ok so I try not to be a difficult patient but Thursday is a bad bad day for appointments. At 10:45- 12:45 I am being observed while I teach a class by my professor at college...I HAVE to be there, so I called the office back to reschedule, I told them any other time I could do but that time...the secretary responded harshly with " You need to be seen ASAP, this is your appointment either take it or not"...I was thrown back a bit, but once again explained my situation and she responded with " The next appointment available is in January" that point I said I would have to find a new doctor, and before I could finish my sentence she spit out " How about Monday at 3:30"... Talk about irritating...

The MRI place also called and scheduled a appointment Thursday at either 12 or I called back and explained my situation and the woman on the phone rescheduled me very politely for Friday at 11:30...I couldn't believe the difference in phone calls...I have to leave school early but my cooperating teacher keeps reminding me that my health is more important than watching her teach a lesson...I still feel guilty...but oh well I guess, I am really thankful that she is so understanding.

My symptoms have kinda leveled off, everything is still off, fogginess,balance and coordination are a bit off, fatigue is at a all time high, I have a horrible headache, I have noticed slurring words...teenagers will pick you apart for that but in my head it sounds right but you see the looks on kids faces and they are like "huh?" but yeah its just frusterating, and my legs throb ( I am not sure what that one is about, but OMG the thought of moving makes my body hurt)...

Anyways, off to bed, I am dead...hello 9:40 bedtime...

Monday, October 12

new update...

that was fast...the RN, my dr's partner in crime, at the office called back...and she is going to talk to my doctor but it looks like I get another trip in the MRI machine and a visit with my fun fun...its funny how they never give you the answer you want, even though I dont really know what I was expecting...
Its been a few days since I posted and in all honesty wasn't planning on posting today but I when I was reading through blogs last night I realized I was given a award from a fellow blogger (thanks Denver Refashionista!) so I thought I should probably keep up my blog.

Last Thursday and Friday were "Reading Days" at my college, so my roommates all went home and lucky me still had to teach at high school. So Thursday and Friday I taught, and helped out my teacher with various things.

Saturday I went shopping with my brother and then we went to my grandparents for the day and helped out with various things around the house.

Everyone came back yesterday and thats about it. I don't have school today, its prob. a good thing because I honestly am drained. I did my laundry on Sunday morning just after I got up and after 2 loads of laundry I took a nap. Basically I get some small task done and then want to sleep. I graded papers this morning and wanted to sleep. So along with being extremely tired, I just have more of that "I just dont feel right" feeling...somethings off. Steph ( my roommate ) noticed it this morning wen we were filling out our calendar for this week thats posted in our kitchen. I wrote "Meeting with Dr. 6" and Steph looks and laughs and then I realize 6 is not C, it should have been Dr. C... like I said in my last blog I have noticed and more things that just kinda stand out as little red flags.

I had actually decided last night that this morning I would call my neurologists office and talk to my doctors RN person, I know I'm so technical in my terminology. So this morning I called, it was just before 10 and of course I was on hold for a while, then I got to leave a message with the person who answers the phone and she said the person I wanted to contact wasent in yet but she would leave a message...its 4:30 now so I am pretty sure I wont here from her today.

I am not one of those people who waits by the phone, but its annoying when you just want someone to call you back. I figure she'll call me back like tomorrow when I am at school...I wouldn't be all that surprised really...ohh well, at least I tried.

Wednesday, October 7

Over the last day or two I have noticed some things that seem "off" ( more off than I usually am) ... nothing big but little things that make me go , hmmmmmm. Like 4 or 5 times a day I have noticed that my leg muscles or arm muscles start to contract randomly...nothing crazy intense but it brings back bad memories of crazy intense spasms. The other thing is just that I am more glitchy then I remember being, especially when I am doing a specific when I eat and I bring my fork to my mouth, my fork and hand get shaky and its not a straight path and theres lots of stopping and reconnecting...

I had a super stressful class yesterday so I really need to practice the whole, just breathe kinda thing...

Monday, October 5

food poisoning :(

Thats right, food poisoning...its been 26 hours of feeling like shit. I've managed to keep down some saltines luckily...but I had school today and I was ok until I ate lunch...lunch was a bad choice, I thought I was going to pass out during class...but yeah saltines are ok...gatorade is blah...but I don't know fluids seem to be important...

Sunday, October 4


I have been exhausted the past few days, but instead of staying in bed and sleeping I have been determined to keep up with my friends. Friday was homecoming at the school I am student teaching at. I taught my first lesson... unfortunately it was the class before the big pep rally, but it all worked out well. Steph and I went to the actual homecoming game, the team won but the weather was horrible. It poured all night but luckily the rain kept us awake.

Steph and I spent the day out and about yesterday which was fun, and we were able to catch her brothers J/V soccer game. Today is one of my other roommates ( Hannah) 21st birthday. Last night we celbrated with sour apple martinis. I think our "bartender" for the night needs some mixology lessons because they were insanly strong. The funniest part was since we did not have martini glasses she used big plastic cups which she filled with instead of like one martini each glass had like 3 or 4...lets just say we all slept good last night...

Tonight we are heading to dinner at one of my favorites, Red Robins for some super yummy hamburgers and then off to bed early because I student teach all this week.

Thursday, October 1

I think I may be too tired to even title this blog. Today was my offical day 1 of student teaching. 1 day done...After I got back from school around 4 today Steph and I hung out, then we grabbed dinner and then it was yoga, 6:15-7:30. Now I am absolutely exhausted.

I had my 10th tysabri infusion yesterday afternoon. The infusion nurse suggested that if I am still super exhausted and dragging a extra Solumedrol infusion would prob. help. She offered to let my neurologist know but I was a bit hesitant...I would much rather avoid any unnecessary infusions if I can. Its easier to contribute the added tiredness to school and student teaching and busyness, but who knows. I did however promise to call the office if I am still feeling not so great in a week.

Tomorrow I will teach my first lesson to high schoolers. Did I mention that the lesson I am teaching is during the block before the peep rally. I am fully counting on students to be a bit wound up, but my teacher is leaving the room when I teach so hopefully I can do it.

Finally tv time...and then bed

Monday, September 28

Black beans?

Its a ultra gloomy Monday. I had class this morning and I just did not want to get out of bed. My body aches...I have found that a few days before my Tysabri treatments I noticed I feel a bit off. I noticed as I glanced at my calendar that I infact have a treatment scheduled for Wed. Maybe its all in my mind or maybe its a real thing, but I feel off when I am kinda due for a new infusion.

I went grocery shopping the other day and when I go grocery shopping I find that I have been buying heathly things, mainly because I feel guitly if I buy junk food. I figure if I dont have any junk food in the apartment I cant veg out on the couch and munch all day. My wierdest purchase I bought was a bag of organic dried black beans. Here's the deal, I do not eat beans, as like in ever. I think I have had black beans once and pinto beans once, both times the beans were in a burrioto stuffed with random good stuff.

So after staring at this pack of organic beans for a while I decided I would cook some...I figure I can add some rice and other veggies and will have a dinner made up or something like that. I am really not to sure as to what I ever thought I would eat them should be a interesting process.

Sunday, September 27

You've Gotta Swim

I am so so excited tonight. My mom pre-ordered a movie called "Dear Jack" for me! Ok so Dear Jack is a documentary of a guy named Andrew McMahon (he's the singer of Jack's Mannequin, I may or may not be in love with him...) Anyways, you can check out the trailor HERE .

At 22, McMahon was diagnosed with acute lymphoma leukemia. This move documents his ups and downs and inbetweens as he literally fights for his life. Thankfully he had a successful stem cell procedure using his sisters stem cells and that lead to his recovery. I think his message in realsing this documentary is one of strength and courage and I can't wait to see it.

That being said, is it November 3rd yet?

Saturday, September 26

Saturday field trip

Thats right, a field trip! Ok, not your everyday field trip but after firework cleanup both of the Hannahs went back to bed, leaving me wandering aimlessly online. Steph has been at home all day, so I got a bit bored. I was researching online and I found a few record/cd stores that I had to go to. Of course it was pretty easy to get the Hannahs on board to go out after they got some homework done.

So, I wrote out a list of things I couldn't live without in hopes for finding at least one of them. I know that some of them have been out of production for a while so thats why I decided to dig through stores that had used stuff. Here was my list...

Eric Hutchinson:
--> That Could've Gone Better
--> Before I Sold Out
Matt Nathanson:
--> Please
--> Ernst
--> Not Colored Too Perfect
--> Still Waiting For Spring
--> Learning To Breathe
--> The Legend of Chin
Something Corporate:
--> Ready Break
Pete Yorn:
--> Night Crawler
--> Day I Forgot
--> musicforthemorningafter

Ok, so the two store I went to are kinda like must see Rochester music stores....
1. Record Archive . This store has old and new stuff, walls and walls of old records....racks and rows for what seemed like forever of cd's both new and used. The best part is that I have finally convinced myself that buying used cd's is not super gross...ok yeah they have been touched for a while, but its ok, I touch it once to put it inside my computer and then once more to take it out. Once its in itunes I am ok. ( Yes, I am aware I have a slight germ problem) . Anyways, I was like in music heaven. I was like 99% sure that I would not find anything on my list because nothing on it is popular anything...but as I worked through my list I was feeling kinda bummed and then last but not least I found Pete Yorn, and I found all three of his cds. I was like ready to jump for joy. So I went to check out and I felt slightly obsessed buying only one artists music, but whatever I cleaned out the whole Pete Yorn row...anyways I put the cd's on the counter and the guy that worked there looks at them and turns around and fumbles through some things and holds up another Pete Yorn cd and asks if I had to have that one too and luckily I had that one already but it was so cool because unlike a best buy or something these people like are all about the music.

Ok store number 2, The House of Guitars. A legend of Rochester... this place is huge, if you want a guitar you come here, and if you want to go to a music archeive where you dig through cds you come here to. This store was amazing, there is a whole wall just filled with signatures of artists that have visited and we read through it and it was just pretty much awesome.

Ok enough with the randomness from the afternoon.

oh so tired rambelings

I am exhausted. I was tired from observations yesterday, I had got up at 6am and went off to school. My school has been celebrating its 85th birthday so we had fireworks last night. I belong to SAC (student activities council) and its a group on campus that coordinates, plans and runs the big events on campus. Last night our club put on the fireworks and this morning our club got to pick up the reminents of the fireworks.

The people that run the actual firework show shoot off the fireworks behind a atheltic feild and its our job to clean up the trash before any teams take to the field. So at 7:40 we all rolled out of our beds and headed off to pick up garbage.

There is currently a drum line practicing from a close by high school and I can hear them so I am distracted enough not to be able to sleep and that is annoying.

Thursday, September 24

one of those nights...

Sometimes music describes my mood and my thoughts better than I ever could...the lyrics just connect and I find myself listening to certain songs on repeat over and over again.

For instance these two songs fit me so perfectly tonight. Adele - Hometown Glory and Sia- Breathe Me.

I have said many times that one of the only things that got me through 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital was music. My family always jokes around that I am a music freak, but honestly music is that one connection for me that can explain the things I can not. Lyrics make a impact, they make a connection and they really take on this power that is unimaginable. I understand that it is not the same for everyone but sometimes its that thing in my life that is constant. I can always turn on a cd player or my iPod and just zone out.

My blog often confuses me. Sometimes I wonder why I even write it. Would I make more of a impact if I took a chance and shared my thoughts with those who need to hear them. I have always been quiet, shy and more of a listener than a speaker and its hard to find your voice with friends who know you as the one who will always listens but rarely speaks up.

Its weird how I miss my old friends so much at the most random times...My best friend from high school failed miserably at being a friend when I needed her the most last year. All she could focus on was me and school and my grades and graduation...and all I was focused on was talking and walking and functioning. She let me down, but when she got mad at me for not talking to her enough I just gave up. I didn't get to say that I was the one letdown, I deserved to be upset with her, I just needed a friend and she couldn't be that for me.

I image what it would be like if I sent her a letter, a honest, sincere letter about everything. Maybe she would respond, and maybe things would go back to normal...I would wake up and things would be back to normal. I would love to live in this sense of false hope that everything would work out, that she would apologize for running away.

I get it, it was a scary thing, I did not expect people to understand what I was going through, I just needed someone to hold my hand through it all, she couldn't do that.

Even though I am so mad, frustrated and above all just hurt, I still find myself wondering if its my fault...

"I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me"

Sia - Breathe Me

pardon the interuption

but I'm working on my blog so please excuse the messiness.

Wednesday, September 23

A few extras...

The weather here has been particularly strange for the beginning of fall in CNY...instead of cool, its oddly warm and humid...its just messing with my sinuses and allergies. Once again I have found myself to be living on Claritin.

Last night I blogged after the MS event, and I definitely do not want to discourage anyone from attending a event, I highly support and suggest attending just to be able to meet people in similar experiences. When I first was diagnosed with MS I often found myself thinking "omg I am the only one with it." Ok year, I may be the only one on campus with it, but I am not the only one out there. Becoming a member in a support group helped me realize that I was not alone, other people are going though this.

While the event didn't really answer the types of questions in my mind I certainly could see the benefits of attending.

In other news and randomness, today is my open house for the high school I am student teaching in. Its a very odd time,5-7, so I hope that I get to meet some parents and get the full experience. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Tuesday, September 22

MS for the newly diagnosed event. the afterthoughts...

Tonight I attended a event called, "MS for the newly diagnosed" that run by the MS society and sponsored by Serano. When I arrived I was of course early, but it gave me a chance to scope things out a bit. It was at a area hotel, so I wandered in a grabbed a seat in the lobby to see what was happening. It was my first MS event so I was a bit leary in just walking in super early. After I watched people trickle into a room I followed.

In total there was about 18 of us. I was the youngest...I was the youngest by at like 15-20 years...that was a bit frustrating just for me because I am dying to meet people my age with MS, but yeah it was weird for me personally just because I could tell that the focus of the talk was not aimed anywhere near a younger generation...which I get, they have to direct their talks to the audience but I left and my questions were unanswered. there were two presenters, a general neurologist and a RN MSCN, a nurse/ clinical research coordinator that works with MS patients directly.

The first presenter was the neurologist and I was a bit thrown off when his credentials over viewed. I was surprised to learn that this speaker has worked with about 50MS patients, and that its not really his specialty. The best example I can think of to describe it with would be something like listening him talk was like listening to my general practitioner talk...kinda vague, knows the terminology but you can tell he is not the complete expert.

A major problem I noticed right off was that the speaker allowed questions whenever someone had one, I don't mind this usually as long as questions are kept general, like defining terms, re explanation...BUT a small group of people wth all diffenrt backgrounds and expierences, tons of questions is not so good...people automatically started off asking personal questions, relating everything to them and only them as if they were the only ones in the room. It bothered me because it wasent a one on one session, and thinsg should have been kept generalized.

Since there was so many questions I definitely felt as though the presentation was extremely vague and that honestly I have learned more by just reading the website. In that matter it was frustrating, I don't know what I realistic expected during the doctors talk, but I was hoping for some of the whole, this is what happens when you in the middle of a attack, or this is what is wrong, examples of MRI's...just diving deeper into the whole what is MS, progression, symptoms, attacks vs pseudo attacks...ect.

Anyways, he then talked briefly about treatments, where he said something that bugged me to know belief. He talked about the ABCR- Avonex, Betaseron, Copaxon and Rebrif and just kinda generalized what they were and about how everyone the room starts on these drugs as the normal course of action. I was taking notes the entire time and then he said, and I quote "you have to fail a ABCR drug to discuss starting Tysabri." He continued to say how Tysabri is not allowed under any circumstance to treat MS before you take any other drug. I had the urge to ask him to check his facts, cause there is obviously exceptions to the rules...*cough cough ME cough cough.* Then he compared it to chemo...yeah we can obviously tell who is not a Tysabri guy. My whole idea with drugs that to each their own, I'm not going to say Tysabri is the best thing on earth and make everyone take it, I understand the risks and I choose it. I don't knock any one else's treatments as long at they are happy. Luckily I am comfortable in my own treatment, but if I wasent completly sold on it, his talk would have freaked me out completly...luckily it just pissed me off.

He finished finally and the RN spoke about different therapy's and again ACBR's were the only things addressed...I understand that they obviously are the therapies that the majority of the people are on, but I guess it would have been nice to at least address that there is more and then stress that people need to be happy and content with their drugs.

While I am glad that I went just to experience it, I am frustrated and luckily Steph let me dump all my information on her and all my thoughts, it definitely helped...

I hope I kinda covered everything, if any one who reads this is curious or has questions about the event feel free to drop a comment below and I'll be sure to respond.

Sunday, September 20

6 years later...

It's been 6 years now since my cousin died in a motorcycle accident...I wrote about it month or two ago here, that pig roast kind of smell. Below is my absolute favorite picture from when I was younger, it was Christmas and yeah its one of my favorites.

I still remember the last time I saw him, honestly I can replay it back in my mind, I can still hear his voice and I think I remember everything he told me. I was home alone one night during the summer and he had stopped by to borrow our truck to tow a boat, we talked and he let me tag along. We drove into the city and I remember we were up on Tipperary Hill at his friends house and while he was parking the car he was teaching my how to properly park a motorcycle on a hill, he always wanted me to ride and I used to joke around that I would be way to freaked out to...6 years later and its insane how much I miss him.

Yeah, so I saved the newspaper article from when he died, it was in the local paper...I figured that eventually I would want to read it or be able to read it, I can honestly say I have yet to read through the entire thing...

An East Syracuse man was killed late Sunday (Sept. 21st 2003) when his motorcycle crashed on a rural road in Jefferson County, state police said Tuesday.

Oswego County native Kurt H. Glasier , 33, of 6869 Kirkville Road, was driving south on state Route 11 in the town of Ellisburg when he veered off the right side of the road and struck a stop sign at the intersection of county Route 122, state police Sgt. Ed Croucher said.

Glasier was ejected from the motorcycle when he hit the sign. He landed in a ditch several feet from his motorcycle, which was pressed up against an embankment when troopers arrived, Croucher said.

State police do not know exactly when the crash happened because no one saw it. They believe it happened after dark and that Glasier died almost immediately, but troopers are still waiting for an autopsy report, Croucher said.

About 11:30 p.m., someone driving by saw the reflection of Glasier 's motorcycle, stopped, saw what had happened and called police, Croucher said.

Trooper Joseph Simpson of the Watertown barracks responded to the scene and investigated.

"It's not a lighted area and there's not a lot of traffic in that area. It appears he missed the curve," said Croucher, who is based in the Fulton barracks and was the supervising officer Sunday night.

State police said it appeared that Glasier was traveling at an unsafe speed, and that this contributed to the crash. There was no indication that Glasier had been drinking alcohol, but a toxicology test will be conducted, Croucher said.

Glasier was pronounced dead at the scene, state police said. Jefferson County Medical Examiner Dr. Samuel Livingstone performed the autopsy at Samaritan Medical Center, troopers said.

The crash happened just north of Sandy Creek in Oswego County, where Glasier grew up, according to a funeral director at Foster-Hax Funeral Home in Pulaski. Sometime after Glasier graduated from Sandy Creek High School in 1987, his parents, Jack and Vicky Glasier , moved to the hamlet of Port Ontario.

Glasier attended the State University College at Potsdam for three years, and later graduated from the State University College of Environmental Science and Forestry at Syracuse University. He was a supervisor at New Process Gear until about a year ago, a family friend said. He was working at Performance Harley-Davidson of Syracuse.
Today was one of those days where everything and anything just got to me. Somedays I just want to be left alone, I wake up and just don't feel right. Right as in something is wrong but what is really wrong, everything is the same as when I went to bed, nothings changed...but something is just not right. I made breakfast this morning, egg and cheese in a pita, yum. I did homework...I went to the library and did homework. I left the library 2 hours later, on the way back to my room, I tripped down the stairs outside and feel...I honestly couldn't look behind me for fear that people were staring. I am pretty sure that my right ankle or foot hates me. In the past few weeks I have tripped a uncountable number of times...its frustrating and irritating. I just keep telling myself I'm ok, things could be worse, but it only works for so long...and then I just want to be left along. My roommates and their friends played the Beatles rockband game...that was a automatic headache for me.

Then it was dinner time. Everyone wanted to go out to Moes (they have taco's and burritos and stuff like that). In all honesty I would have been totally ok with not going...but there were 6 of us which meant 2 cars, and low and behold no one wanted to drive because my car fits 8. Instead of asking I was told I was one ever thinks to ask. Why ask when you can assume I suppose. When we left, I turned the wrong way and drive the wrong direction. Everyone was so loud, I honestly couldn't think...I constantly find that being over stimulated it paralyzing...

So now I was frustrated and still had the headache and just didn't feel right. So I drove, I was silent, I listened to my cd playing and just drove and then I was bombarded with the whole "Steph, are you ok?" crap... that just makes me so much more angry and I can't even explain it. Anyways after dinner I ;went shopping alone. I bought shirts for student teaching...I found a Switchfoot cd I was looking for, and I found it used which means cheap...very very cheap.

I came back to my room to find more noise and stupidness...

Watched Sunshine Cleaning tonight...I actually enjoyed it, it had a few sad parts and I was already upset which could describe the few tears shed..but honestly it was a good movie.

Sometimes I kind of feel like my blog is a waste of cyberspace...who am I to complain, things could be worse...but then again who else can I spill out my thoughts to? I do a wonderful job at pretending to be super happy and I guess I feel like if I pretend it long and well enough I will magically be. Truth is I am exhausted, and far from content. I can't complain to anyone here...I can't and refuse to be seen as that girl who complains. If I do complain my complaints are shadowed by my roommates, but who am I to judge, maybe they are just as tired.

Today I woke up and just like every other day since I had my first attack I checked to see if I had feeling in my right hand or foot...I'm pretty sure at this point its false hope to think it will ever comeback, but the whole idea of acceptness seems a bit ridiculous to me...its been like 11 months and I feel like I am more confused, more frustrated and way less understanding then I have ever been.

Friday, September 18

Post Secrets!

Last night my roommates and I attended a Post Secret event. I mention Post Secrets a few weeks ago but the chance came up to go to a Post Secret event at a local university. We all bought tickets and went last night. It was a really nice event, Frank (the creator) shared his insights and the background of the project. We got to meet Frank, got his autograph and a picture with him! It was a fun night. We met up with two of our friends at the event and went for milkshakes and fries at a local diner afterward.

Oddly enough, on the way home I had stopped for gas, and the pump was working funny and printed me a reciept for like .34 ccents in, so I swipped my card agian and filled the tank. When I checked my email I had a urgent email from discover from the fraud team. I called and apparently my tickets for the Post Secrets and my gas purchase looked like fraudulent purchases...strange...

Today I have observations in the classroom that I will kind of take over as a student teacher Oct. 1st so I have a 30min'ish drive to begin in a few minutes...

Thanks to everyones comments from yesterdays gave me the little push I needed to go! Of course I will definitely blog afterward!

Thursday, September 17

wow, is this seriously for real...

I am in a group in my area that is for people with MS who are in their 20's and 30's. I found out about it through my infusion site for Tysabri and its run though the National MS Society. We meet aproximentally once a month and just talk about whats going on, share experiences, ect...its like a support group in a way. Anyways a few minutes ago I got this email...

"Please plan on Oct 14th for our next meeting. We will be meting at Delmonico's restaurant on E. Henrietta Road. We will have a speaker and dinner provided for us courtesy of Serono. Please let me know if you will be able to attend."

Ok so I read it and thought yum I love Delmonicos...and oooh free dinner...who is Serono? Just a quick google search and I quickly find the website that says "Merck Serono is a market leader in the treatment of Multiple Sclerosis (MS) with Rebif®, approved for the treatment of relapsing-remitting MS in over 80 countries worldwide. In the United States, we market Novantrone® for worsening forms of MS."

Oh, its a drug company, it just me or is this not really a appropiate sponser for a support group meething...and the guest speaker, who is that going to be? A drug rep?

My roommate and I are just kinda like having a wow, is seriously for real, moment.

Wednesday, September 16

hello 3:17

Yesterday I had dinner with my parents, my aunt and uncle, brother and my cousin-Todd, from North Carolina. Todd usually visits once a year, he was recently married and so we don't get to see him too often. Last time I saw him was for my brothers graduation party, two summers ago. My dads family is alot older, my aunts and uncles are all 12+years older than my dad, so my youngest cousin on that side is like 35...soo my brother and I are the youngest which is always interesting.

My brother and I met up with my family at the Cheesecake Factory...cant complain about dinner because any dinner that ends with cheesecake is OK in my book.

I have been swamped in homework and I am trying to stay calm through the stress of it all. Last night it caught up with me. I had gone to bed around midnight, and I tossed and turned, I watched tv trying to fall asleep, I read for about a hour, it made me more awake...I just sat and stared out the window...3:17am is not a good time to be awake, especially when the count down timer in your head is blaring that class starts in 5 hours and 37 minutes...I got up, did some homework, turned on some music to distract me and finally I fell asleep about 30 minutes later.

Woke up this morning to the sound of tennis balls bouncing off racquet's at 7am...I hoped out of bed, wide awake but definitely not fully rested. My legs today just ache, maybe I did some sleep running last night and ran a few miles. Class was difficult to sit through, I just wanted to stand up and move but all I got to do was sit for a good 2 hours and 20 minutes trying not to think about it. I have another class that starts at 4pm and it runs till 6:40 and I am dreading it. There is always that one class where you don't like the classmates, the professors are in your eyes the worst people on earth and you get that feeling, that pit, deep in your stomach that just does not dissappear until you finally get to walk out of class in one piece.

Monday, September 14

weekend musings

I am neglecting my blog and every once in a while I feel a guilty about it, luckily that feeling passes quickly. Even typing this now is difficult because my apartment is so loud, I just keep typing everything I hear. It's weird because at one point in time I was an excellent multi-tasker, but those times are few and far between.

This weekend was short, I don't know if 48 hours can be considered short, but it was super short. Friday night was a "drive-in" movie minus the driving part. So in actually it was a "walk-in" movie. There was a big blow up screen in one of the lawns on campus, and at dark we watched The Proposal. We brought our blankets and it was a fun night under the stars.

Saturday was supposed to be a shopping day. Steph and I had plans to head to the mall and just shop. (I need dress up shirts extremely bad. Just as we were heading out the door, Steph received a call from her cousin (she goes to a school in the city about 10 minutes from us). She was living in this house, that she just moved into about 2 weeks ago, but something happened between her and the home owner and her cousin thought it was best that she leave and move back home. Steph and I went to help move, and she had more stuff than Steph and I combined. Steph and I carried boxes for a few hours while her cousin just kind of played with her dog...Since she had so much stuff we had to pack Stephs car as well as her cousins car and then drive to her cousins house which was 50ish minutes away...that was a long day.

Sunday was homework day to the homework still isn't all done but I am exhausted and its very clear when I am tired, I get what I am going to call the glitches. This morning during my class I was asked to write something on the board and walking up and back it was obvious that I was glitchy, like my whole right side is a 1/2 step back, my movement does not look smooth at all, but whatever, it's what I have to deal with so I better get used to it.

I have a busy week this week, actually busy doesn't even describe it, its just beyond busy.

Friday, September 11

first day of observations...

It's early.
Very, very, early.
Good luck to me!

Thursday, September 10

This morning I signed up for my first MS event. Not going to lie, its the first one that I even bothered reading the email after I saw the heading, MS for the Newly Diagnosed.

I have been realizing that while I know what MS is, I don't honestly understand it enough to answer my friends questions enough, or really explain it to myself sometimes.The program topics include: "what happens in the body; understanding symptoms vs. exacerbations vs. pseudo-exacerbations; treatment options; myths and misconceptions; "but you look so good" - the invisible symptoms; and injection management."

When I was first diagnosed I had no idea what MS was, just that I was pretty certain that Montel Williams had it. My doctor told me right away not to go online and search about it and I didn't. I went back to school and avoided it. The few times I went online and searched I was always freaked out at the possible outcomes of this disease. I have witnessed what it has done to my own body, have read about what it has done to others through blogs and after reading all this through first hand accounts I think its time to start learning the ins and outs of this disease.

Maybe I'll be able to answer my friends questions better too, I feel like a bad represenation of MS sometimes when I can't even explain whats going on in my body or even whats going on with people with MS in general.

Wednesday, September 9


Zumba was a blast, I am pretty sure I have not worked out that hard since umm before I got sick last October. It felt really was alot of work but I am glad I tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 8

This blog has been a work in progress if you will as I have kind of avoided hitting the whole "publish post" button for a few days now. So I'll recap some stuff.

Last Friday: I drove home Friday morning. I had a four day weekend, my mom had a extra state fair ticket, so I went home. It's only about a 1 1/2 hour drive but sometimes it feels like a eternity. It was a nice day out, not too hot, but not too cold, but walking round for a few hours wiped me out. My mom and I made sure to get the "staple" items at the fair- deep friend oreos- chocolate milk from the giant milk machine- and a giant sausage, pepper and onion sandwich. The main reason I want to go to the fair that particular Friday was because of Switchfoot. Switchfoot was playing for free at 8PM that night and I am kinda in love with them. It was a awesome concert and of course I got a t-shirt to commemorate the night.

Last Saturday: My dad and I went for a motorcycle ride...we got lost a few times on some unmarked country roads, I was just glad we both had a gps. I drove back to school that afternoon, I had a ton of homework the past weekend and I knew I wasn't going to get anything at home if I stayed. When I got back to school I was exhausted and I ended up meeting up with a guy to hang out that night. I got lost getting to his house, two deer ran out in front of my car and it was a weird night. I was under the impression that he and I were just friends because I had made it clear that I am so not interested in anything...apparently the signals got crossed somewhere as he was all over me...after telling him I wasn't interested, I just got up and left. The worst part was that I was walking off the front step, missed the step, fell into a bush, started hysterically laughing as I wiped off needles from my sweater and hurried to my car. I of course told my two roommates- Hannah^2 immediately what had happened and I could barely get the story out without laughing. (Steph was away all weekend). That night our friends called in a fake report to security about noise in our room, we had to fill out reports because we knew who made the prank call, I got id because I happened to have a drink was a pretty weird night...

Last Sunday- Homework and a bunch of us walked to Ben and Jerrys for ice cream. Yay Phish Food!

Monday- umm homework and lunch with my parents

the rest is a blur...

Today: I have one class at 8am...its now 7:34am...I woke up at 7:15am to my Sonic Boom alarm clock that even has a vibrating disc under my pillow that literly makes me jump out of bed. My phone alarm did go off at 6:45 but I turned it off and set it on the window, apparently I thought I could sleep forever today...I have been sleeping alot more lately, like 9+ hours a night...I wake up tired...I am tired all day...I'm just tired. Maybe it's school, maybe it's not...who knows...

Anyways I have Zumba in 50 minutes, and yoga tomorrow night...maybe some physical activity will help.

Thursday, September 3

4 day weekend...ooh and Tysabri #9

I think this is the point where I collapse on the floor and just sleep for like ever.

I started out my morning bright and early with a Tysabri appointment. Apparently my past blood work has been hemolyzed ( uhh I think thats the right word, blood clots or something from the sample?). Anyways I had to get labs drawn at the labs office place, so lucky me I got needle sticks in both arms today. Sometimes I leave the hospital and I kinda feel like I resemble a drug attack with the marks on my arms...but then again Tysabri kind of does make me feel like a drug addict a bit...

Tysabri #9 went well, the funny part was during the whole questioner before the infusion.

Nurse: "any changes in your eyesight, balance or thinking?"
Me: Nope
Nurse: " any chance of pregnancy?"
Me: Nope
Nurse: " do you have a date?"
Me: "Uhhh no I dont have one (I just kept thinking why does she want to know about my dating life..."
Nurse: "You dont?"
Me " Uhhhh no... oooooooooooh! hahahahaha a date...I thought you meant a date date!...haha yes I have a date, like three weeks ago...!

Anyhoo I survived tysabri #9!

Wednesday, September 2

Tysabri tomorrow

Tomorrow is tysabri number...ummm I started in January so, Feb, March, April, May , June, July, August and dun dun dun September. Wow...number 9!

Tonight I was nicknamed "mom" of the apartment after I made a batch of cinnamon buns for tomorrow morning...but yeah I kinda wanted something to eat before I went tomorrow...

Steph will not be there tomorrow...she has a class...which means I will be going solo...even after a successful 8 infusions they still freak me out. I am still the girl who gets freaked out over blood and IVs...even after 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital and being stabbed 3 times a day minimum...

Tuesday, September 1

Swine flu...oh swine flu...

I was reading Tara's Blog this morning while taking a break from a few lesson plans and it oddly made me feel better because at least now I know I am not the only one a bit concerned.

My college is going to require all high risk students (apparently I fall under that category now) and all student teachers (hey I fall under that category too) to get the swine flu vaccine once it is available. (If I fall under both categories, do I at least win a prize?) Anyways, I am kind of a anti vaccine girl...yes I have all my required immunizations but I know way to many people who get the flu shot and then get the flu, maybe its a milder version, I don't know but they still get it.

I like options and the idea of having it be required just makes me want it less. Of course there's that other fear that I get the vaccine and then I get sick too.

Monday, August 31


I feel like I have so much to say, so bear with me as I try to get it all out as coherently as possible.

Today in one of my lecture classes I was called on to give a little summary as to prior activity discussion group topics. The class is co-taught by two instructors, a male and female. I was mid sentence explaining my ideas and thoughts to the male teacher when the female teacher, who the whole time while I was talking was fumbling on the complete other side of the room with her papers and bag, interrupted me to talk louder. OK, fine as me to speak up, but my issue is that to stop someone mid sentence prob. isn't the best idea. The annoying part is that for me at least, if I am interrupted when its not a one on one converstation I loose my train of though very easily. When its one on one conversation its easier to ask someone what I left of on, but this male instructor just stares at me and says ok continue, and I was blank, completely blank, I couldn't even remember what I was talking about. It is frustrating to have the instructor just stare at you, the class of 39 other students stare at you and you are blank. I know it happens to everyone, and I don't want to say it never happens to me, its just that I am having a hard time accepting that things have changed.

As much as I want to say that I have accepted everything, I can't.

I do realize that things take time, it still doesn't make that frustration melt away. I played soccer constantly from 6th grade until my junior year of high school. I had 2 dislocated shoulders, 1 dislocated hip, 2 left knee surgeries and then I was forced to quit when I had a right knee surgery. Everyone used to say I was insane for continuing to play, I was a injury magnet, but I was always super determined to be able to do whatever I set my mind to, and I did until I honetly couldnt. I was upset all of senior year not being able to participate in gym activities and soccer, but in the end I knew that while I could play I had a blast and I wouldnt change a thing. I have accepted the fact that my soccer career is long over, but it took a while for me to accept that.

I feel like accepting MS is so frustrating for me. It's so hard to explain to people where this frustration stems from. I can show people the scars on my knees from surgeries and they can easily see why I don't play soccer. I feel like MS is this imaginary mind game sometimes. Some days I feel great, I feel so much like my old self, and other days I fell like everything is falling down around me because of this disease that I can not even spell.

One thing that I have noticed is that I find that I can not participate in some of the discussions my friends and classmates are having. Like I can't deal with the whole, "I am tired" conversation. I have learned to avoid those like the plague, just because I know that it will not end well. Today in class two girls in front of me were discussing how they have never lost their voice and how they think it would be fun to. I just sat their and took a few deep breathes and opened a project to work on...I know I used to take it for granted but once you loose it and there is serious concern that you will not get it back, its funny how your views change. I wake up every morning, very thankful for what I have regain.

I think I might have gone off topic...

anyways in conclusion to my story above: as I sat unable to remember where I left off or even what I was talking about a kid from my group interjected to help out and take the pressure off me, thanks Kevin.

Saturday, August 29

Bad Date

bad date. good corona. bad is when the lime juice gets in your finger when you squeeze said lime in corona. did I mention not so good date.

and I looked sooo cute tonight. slouchy jeans, cute new shoes, way cool shirt, hair pulled up and off to the side...

one last good note, (500) Days of amazing, its kinda a Indie, but amazing, so amazing.

Friday, August 28

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride...

I survived the week. Phew.

I have my newest favorite artist, his name is K'naan, a Somalian-Canadian, he is a rapper, but more a a political twist from the ordinary rappers. His message that he projects is unique and his sound and ability is one of a kind..

I feel like the perfect business, occupation, passion for me would be to open a music store...I just which technology was not fading cd's would be a dream to open a store like that...

running on empty...

I am counting down the days till student teaching boot camp is over. It officially ends Tuesday at 5:20PM. Sadly next Monday classes start at 7am and go till almost 5...anyways my weekend will be packed full of homework and lessons plans and creativity.

Steph will be gone this weekend... so I decided to get out of my apartment I would make plans for Saturday I made plans with a guy to see a movie...he said I could pick any one, so I picked (500) Days Of Summer...I am super excited, its kinda mainstream Indie I believe and it should be good.

Class in less than 8 hours...I just finished my homework for it about 5 minutes ago, I really don't think assignments should be assigned the night before they are going to be due (hello, earth to professors, if you want quality work please remember we have other classes, and I am pretty sure my other professors frown upon completing other homework during their classes.)

Tuesday, August 25

a bit overwhelmed

So hoping not to have homework backfired...I had homework, and I have alot...luckily I got everything done for tomorrow, its 10:12 and its now my free time till I collapse. I have another rough day tomorrow...classes, 8-4, with a small break in between, just enough time for a sandwich and check my email.

I am in two methods of teaching classes, and even though they are simply pass/fail courses, its still a lot of work. I am the only undergrad, so its me and 6 other grad students which the only plus is that I have had a previous class last spring with them, so I know them and they no longer present that whole intimidation front ( or maybe I am just to busy to notice). These two methods classes are in one way better than last semesters for one reason only, no video taping of the lessons we demonstrate. Video taping made me nauseous and was a serious distraction for me during my lesson.

I have also realized I need to demand in some aspects respects for my major in my general education classes. The professors seem to overlook the fact that I am present, and group me in the history group, the problem is that I am unwilling to conform to their expectations that I will just "pretend" I am a history major. I have and will continue to bring the business prospective and methods forward to my group...

I guess thats what happens when you are a little fish in a big tank. ( I say tank because well I still have a kinda small school...ocean would be more of a big public or giant private school).

long day

Its 7:23am...last time I saw that time I was getting off a plane in Newark, NJ.

This is my schedule today:
Class- 8am-12pm
Tuna fish and cracker lunch with Steph- 12-12:45
Class- 1pm-3pm
Class- 3-5:20pm
Collapse and heres to hoping I have no homework...

Monday, August 24

1st day, hugs and tests

I thought yesterdays pain was bad...ummm little did I know today would be way way way worse. I guess its what people would call the bear hug. It's nauseating and I the pain is so incredibly intense, as my roommates tell me, I look like I'm going to cry.

In other less painful news, it was the first day of classes, also known as "Student Teaching Bootcamp." I was thrown into a room full of soon to be students teachers, all of them all ready in their clicks and then theres me, the only business and marketing undergrad at my school. I was not in a happy mood at all, so I wasn't in the whole lets be bff mode.

I also got a email today from NYS teacher certification that said:

Status: Pass
Total Score: 255 (out of 300)
Minimum Passing Score: 220

So I have now passed all three teaching step closer to being a teacher and no more tests! (well nys mandated ones!)

Now homework and then prob. lying in pain, I survived my first day though.

Sunday, August 23

A letter to a dear unwanted friend

Good Afternoon MS,

I would like to thank you MS for this not so lovely Sunday. The pain, which I assume is from you, is so intense that it kinda makes me nauseous. The last time my mouth- my teeth,my gums, my tongue, my everything, my cheeks, my jaw- hurt this bad I am pretty sure it was when my wisdom teeth were pulled out.

Thanks to you MS, my roommates keep asking why I look so sad. Its hard to explain the pain in my face currently and when I do explain it they say something like "oh my arms hurt from moving in too".Thanks again MS, try to visit next time during a more convenient time, i.e. never.


move in day

I moved into school today. My mom came down with a nasty case of food poisoning we assume and she couldn't come. Dead tired after moving stuff in 90ish degree heat. Our apartment has central air. Will post pictures sometime soon of the new digs, but for now its bedtime.

Thursday, August 20

Lunch Date

So I was supposed to have lunch with my aunt today. On my dads side my aunts and uncles are all classified as seniors now and my dad is the youngest by 11 years or something.

My aunt is the complete opposite of me. I am quite and shy, she is loud and outgoing. She has like 100 friends, I have a few super close ones. She is ecentric, I am the excat opposite of it. She likes to dress up for everything and anything, I am a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl.

But, I am still her niece at the end of the day.

We had lunch,movies and shopping plans today. I went to meet her for lunch, she ran into a old friend that she worked with years ago. She had a 8 year old son also. They came to lunch with us. I think the only time I got to talk was to the waitress.

We saw The Ugly Truth. Loved it, I really like movies like that, funny, dirty comedy.

We went shopping at American Eagle. To make up for only seeing me once this summer and changing our lunch plans she just bought me a pile a clothes.

I wish she would get that for me its not about the clothes, I just wanted to spend actual time with her.

But, I am still her niece at the end of the day.

Wednesday, August 19

Who knows...

This may sound weird, but I have been noticing I have been reading things backwards, words and numbers like 5-10 times a not a extreme amount of messups but enough to make me wonder...

Filling up the motorcycles today my dad asked me the mileage on my bike from the last fill up...I replied "441" and then when he looked super confused I looked again and said "144"...144 being a reasonable number seeing as a full tank of gas goes about 300-330ish miles.

Its just really weird, maybe I am not concentrating enough, of I am just mixing things up...but I do it alot when I talk to. I'll go to say something and repeat the words like, see you later later...I mix up word placement and idk

I just really really need to make it through this semester.

Monday, August 17

lime green

Lime green frying pans! I got two today at Marshall' is bigger and then a little one for small stuff...its all very exciting. I move in to school Saturday morning, classes start bright and early on Monday. (enter sick nauseous, ugh feeling).

I love school, I love my roommates, but the anticipation is killer.


I have the Johnny Cash song stuck in my head, the one were its like "I feel into a burning ring of fire and it burns burns burns..."

it could be because I am laying in bed and I think my knees may possibly really be on fire...the pain is insane.

Saturday, August 15

tired rambelings

I've got nothing to say. Well I have tons to say but it has been a few weird days and I guess I have my own things to work out.

Yesterday I got stuck peeling 10 ears of corn outside in 95 degree heat. It was a like half of hour long nightmare, heat 1) makes me feel sick 2) slows down my mind and my body which makes it super hard to do anything, but you prob. all know that.

We have about 3 pounds of fruit salad in my fridge- strawberries, melon, watermelon, grapes and was calling my name, I know have a giant bowl of it. It could be worse, like a giant bowl of ice cream though.

I also got my first Momentum magazine. I'm not going to lie I had no idea what it was ( somedays I am not too observant, its not like it doesn't say national MS society all over it) , but I was flippin through it and thinking, "why did I get this?" Then of course I had my "oh yeah I have this disease moment."

Alot of the people I went to high school with are getting engaged. People from college are getting engaged. A few of my parents friends kids are having kids ( they are like my age, give or take 2 years) but still...I will never understand the rush of it. I like the idea of a boyfriend but to actually have one seems like a lot of work. It's odd cause today a guy asked me why I wasn't with someone. So sure it would be nice to have someone around, but realistically when I am at school, I have school and student teaching and so much involved with it, like when is there time for a guy. Its more like sleep, eat, study, teach, plan, sleep.

I love tired rambling, ok ciao

Tuesday, August 11

my one true love

Seeing how I am pleasantly single, I have come to realize that my one true love may be my motorcycle. I have finally reached the point where I feel totally comfortable on it. Its only taken like a year, but things have finally clicked and I just have that feeling that I know how it works, and how to make it do whatever I want.

In that respect I think it may be better than any future guy...I think I have had to much lemonade/ice tea ( OMG there's this drink mix that is like 10 calories a serving or something created by Arnold Palmer- uhh hes a golfer I think but yeah I am addiction beyond belief) dad and I headed to Sylvan Beach for Bikes on The Beach night. A street lined with bikes, chillen by the beach is a perfect night in my eyes. Great weather, great people, and ice cream! I'll go anywhere with motorcycles and ice cream...uhh so here is a picture of my bike, its about time I show it off, this was taken last year at uhhhhhhh snap I forgot the name (blame the MS for my spotty memory recently, but it was a reservoir up north somewhere in NY)

ahhh life before MS, but there's me and my bike like 1 week before the start of Junior year...I think we have plans for a second big ride before senior year...I am not to sure as to when though, hopefully tomorrow!


My mom, my brother and his friend and my grandpa left this morning for Gloucester, MA. They are going on a deep sea fishing trip tomorrow, but its about a 6 hour drive so they headed out today.

That leaves my dad and I to roam around aimlessly. So far we have worked on my car together, I think we did something with the AC or something with tubes and cans and such. He is the ultimate Mr. Fix It, from cars to houses, he can basically do it all. My dad is a retired fireman, he retired when I was just turning 13, so hes been retired for a while.

Anyways, in between the car talks and such, the subject of school came up. More specifically what am I going to do after school. I am a bit jealous of my friends who have plans to take a year off and wonder and then do grad school or work. My plans revolve around health insurance. So basically I need to a) get a teaching job right off the start that has health insurance or b) jump right into grad school and then find a part time job to cover living expenses- i.e-food and a car. If I am in grad school my parents insurance will cover me till I am 25.

So at least I have options...they may not be my top choices, but realistically I just got two insurance statements, one for my last MRI and one for Tysabri for the month of July and the total for those two is just under paying for it myself is not a option, buying health insurance with a low wage job is impossible, epically if I need to factor in buying a car that is super that leaves me back with options a or b.

I am basically counting on loving teaching, if I don't I am a bit screwed for school and budget and ect....

and I lost track of my thoughts so I am off like the wind...ciao