Sunday, September 20

Today was one of those days where everything and anything just got to me. Somedays I just want to be left alone, I wake up and just don't feel right. Right as in something is wrong but what is really wrong, everything is the same as when I went to bed, nothings changed...but something is just not right. I made breakfast this morning, egg and cheese in a pita, yum. I did homework...I went to the library and did homework. I left the library 2 hours later, on the way back to my room, I tripped down the stairs outside and feel...I honestly couldn't look behind me for fear that people were staring. I am pretty sure that my right ankle or foot hates me. In the past few weeks I have tripped a uncountable number of times...its frustrating and irritating. I just keep telling myself I'm ok, things could be worse, but it only works for so long...and then I just want to be left along. My roommates and their friends played the Beatles rockband game...that was a automatic headache for me.

Then it was dinner time. Everyone wanted to go out to Moes (they have taco's and burritos and stuff like that). In all honesty I would have been totally ok with not going...but there were 6 of us which meant 2 cars, and low and behold no one wanted to drive because my car fits 8. Instead of asking I was told I was one ever thinks to ask. Why ask when you can assume I suppose. When we left, I turned the wrong way and drive the wrong direction. Everyone was so loud, I honestly couldn't think...I constantly find that being over stimulated it paralyzing...

So now I was frustrated and still had the headache and just didn't feel right. So I drove, I was silent, I listened to my cd playing and just drove and then I was bombarded with the whole "Steph, are you ok?" crap... that just makes me so much more angry and I can't even explain it. Anyways after dinner I ;went shopping alone. I bought shirts for student teaching...I found a Switchfoot cd I was looking for, and I found it used which means cheap...very very cheap.

I came back to my room to find more noise and stupidness...

Watched Sunshine Cleaning tonight...I actually enjoyed it, it had a few sad parts and I was already upset which could describe the few tears shed..but honestly it was a good movie.

Sometimes I kind of feel like my blog is a waste of cyberspace...who am I to complain, things could be worse...but then again who else can I spill out my thoughts to? I do a wonderful job at pretending to be super happy and I guess I feel like if I pretend it long and well enough I will magically be. Truth is I am exhausted, and far from content. I can't complain to anyone here...I can't and refuse to be seen as that girl who complains. If I do complain my complaints are shadowed by my roommates, but who am I to judge, maybe they are just as tired.

Today I woke up and just like every other day since I had my first attack I checked to see if I had feeling in my right hand or foot...I'm pretty sure at this point its false hope to think it will ever comeback, but the whole idea of acceptness seems a bit ridiculous to me...its been like 11 months and I feel like I am more confused, more frustrated and way less understanding then I have ever been.

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