Monday, August 31


I feel like I have so much to say, so bear with me as I try to get it all out as coherently as possible.

Today in one of my lecture classes I was called on to give a little summary as to prior activity discussion group topics. The class is co-taught by two instructors, a male and female. I was mid sentence explaining my ideas and thoughts to the male teacher when the female teacher, who the whole time while I was talking was fumbling on the complete other side of the room with her papers and bag, interrupted me to talk louder. OK, fine as me to speak up, but my issue is that to stop someone mid sentence prob. isn't the best idea. The annoying part is that for me at least, if I am interrupted when its not a one on one converstation I loose my train of though very easily. When its one on one conversation its easier to ask someone what I left of on, but this male instructor just stares at me and says ok continue, and I was blank, completely blank, I couldn't even remember what I was talking about. It is frustrating to have the instructor just stare at you, the class of 39 other students stare at you and you are blank. I know it happens to everyone, and I don't want to say it never happens to me, its just that I am having a hard time accepting that things have changed.

As much as I want to say that I have accepted everything, I can't.

I do realize that things take time, it still doesn't make that frustration melt away. I played soccer constantly from 6th grade until my junior year of high school. I had 2 dislocated shoulders, 1 dislocated hip, 2 left knee surgeries and then I was forced to quit when I had a right knee surgery. Everyone used to say I was insane for continuing to play, I was a injury magnet, but I was always super determined to be able to do whatever I set my mind to, and I did until I honetly couldnt. I was upset all of senior year not being able to participate in gym activities and soccer, but in the end I knew that while I could play I had a blast and I wouldnt change a thing. I have accepted the fact that my soccer career is long over, but it took a while for me to accept that.

I feel like accepting MS is so frustrating for me. It's so hard to explain to people where this frustration stems from. I can show people the scars on my knees from surgeries and they can easily see why I don't play soccer. I feel like MS is this imaginary mind game sometimes. Some days I feel great, I feel so much like my old self, and other days I fell like everything is falling down around me because of this disease that I can not even spell.

One thing that I have noticed is that I find that I can not participate in some of the discussions my friends and classmates are having. Like I can't deal with the whole, "I am tired" conversation. I have learned to avoid those like the plague, just because I know that it will not end well. Today in class two girls in front of me were discussing how they have never lost their voice and how they think it would be fun to. I just sat their and took a few deep breathes and opened a project to work on...I know I used to take it for granted but once you loose it and there is serious concern that you will not get it back, its funny how your views change. I wake up every morning, very thankful for what I have regain.

I think I might have gone off topic...

anyways in conclusion to my story above: as I sat unable to remember where I left off or even what I was talking about a kid from my group interjected to help out and take the pressure off me, thanks Kevin.

Saturday, August 29

Bad Date

bad date. good corona. bad is when the lime juice gets in your finger when you squeeze said lime in corona. did I mention not so good date.

and I looked sooo cute tonight. slouchy jeans, cute new shoes, way cool shirt, hair pulled up and off to the side...

one last good note, (500) Days of amazing, its kinda a Indie, but amazing, so amazing.

Friday, August 28

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride...

I survived the week. Phew.

I have my newest favorite artist, his name is K'naan, a Somalian-Canadian, he is a rapper, but more a a political twist from the ordinary rappers. His message that he projects is unique and his sound and ability is one of a kind..

I feel like the perfect business, occupation, passion for me would be to open a music store...I just which technology was not fading cd's would be a dream to open a store like that...

running on empty...

I am counting down the days till student teaching boot camp is over. It officially ends Tuesday at 5:20PM. Sadly next Monday classes start at 7am and go till almost 5...anyways my weekend will be packed full of homework and lessons plans and creativity.

Steph will be gone this weekend... so I decided to get out of my apartment I would make plans for Saturday I made plans with a guy to see a movie...he said I could pick any one, so I picked (500) Days Of Summer...I am super excited, its kinda mainstream Indie I believe and it should be good.

Class in less than 8 hours...I just finished my homework for it about 5 minutes ago, I really don't think assignments should be assigned the night before they are going to be due (hello, earth to professors, if you want quality work please remember we have other classes, and I am pretty sure my other professors frown upon completing other homework during their classes.)

Tuesday, August 25

a bit overwhelmed

So hoping not to have homework backfired...I had homework, and I have alot...luckily I got everything done for tomorrow, its 10:12 and its now my free time till I collapse. I have another rough day tomorrow...classes, 8-4, with a small break in between, just enough time for a sandwich and check my email.

I am in two methods of teaching classes, and even though they are simply pass/fail courses, its still a lot of work. I am the only undergrad, so its me and 6 other grad students which the only plus is that I have had a previous class last spring with them, so I know them and they no longer present that whole intimidation front ( or maybe I am just to busy to notice). These two methods classes are in one way better than last semesters for one reason only, no video taping of the lessons we demonstrate. Video taping made me nauseous and was a serious distraction for me during my lesson.

I have also realized I need to demand in some aspects respects for my major in my general education classes. The professors seem to overlook the fact that I am present, and group me in the history group, the problem is that I am unwilling to conform to their expectations that I will just "pretend" I am a history major. I have and will continue to bring the business prospective and methods forward to my group...

I guess thats what happens when you are a little fish in a big tank. ( I say tank because well I still have a kinda small school...ocean would be more of a big public or giant private school).

long day

Its 7:23am...last time I saw that time I was getting off a plane in Newark, NJ.

This is my schedule today:
Class- 8am-12pm
Tuna fish and cracker lunch with Steph- 12-12:45
Class- 1pm-3pm
Class- 3-5:20pm
Collapse and heres to hoping I have no homework...

Monday, August 24

1st day, hugs and tests

I thought yesterdays pain was bad...ummm little did I know today would be way way way worse. I guess its what people would call the bear hug. It's nauseating and I the pain is so incredibly intense, as my roommates tell me, I look like I'm going to cry.

In other less painful news, it was the first day of classes, also known as "Student Teaching Bootcamp." I was thrown into a room full of soon to be students teachers, all of them all ready in their clicks and then theres me, the only business and marketing undergrad at my school. I was not in a happy mood at all, so I wasn't in the whole lets be bff mode.

I also got a email today from NYS teacher certification that said:

Status: Pass
Total Score: 255 (out of 300)
Minimum Passing Score: 220

So I have now passed all three teaching step closer to being a teacher and no more tests! (well nys mandated ones!)

Now homework and then prob. lying in pain, I survived my first day though.

Sunday, August 23

A letter to a dear unwanted friend

Good Afternoon MS,

I would like to thank you MS for this not so lovely Sunday. The pain, which I assume is from you, is so intense that it kinda makes me nauseous. The last time my mouth- my teeth,my gums, my tongue, my everything, my cheeks, my jaw- hurt this bad I am pretty sure it was when my wisdom teeth were pulled out.

Thanks to you MS, my roommates keep asking why I look so sad. Its hard to explain the pain in my face currently and when I do explain it they say something like "oh my arms hurt from moving in too".Thanks again MS, try to visit next time during a more convenient time, i.e. never.


move in day

I moved into school today. My mom came down with a nasty case of food poisoning we assume and she couldn't come. Dead tired after moving stuff in 90ish degree heat. Our apartment has central air. Will post pictures sometime soon of the new digs, but for now its bedtime.

Thursday, August 20

Lunch Date

So I was supposed to have lunch with my aunt today. On my dads side my aunts and uncles are all classified as seniors now and my dad is the youngest by 11 years or something.

My aunt is the complete opposite of me. I am quite and shy, she is loud and outgoing. She has like 100 friends, I have a few super close ones. She is ecentric, I am the excat opposite of it. She likes to dress up for everything and anything, I am a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl.

But, I am still her niece at the end of the day.

We had lunch,movies and shopping plans today. I went to meet her for lunch, she ran into a old friend that she worked with years ago. She had a 8 year old son also. They came to lunch with us. I think the only time I got to talk was to the waitress.

We saw The Ugly Truth. Loved it, I really like movies like that, funny, dirty comedy.

We went shopping at American Eagle. To make up for only seeing me once this summer and changing our lunch plans she just bought me a pile a clothes.

I wish she would get that for me its not about the clothes, I just wanted to spend actual time with her.

But, I am still her niece at the end of the day.

Wednesday, August 19

Who knows...

This may sound weird, but I have been noticing I have been reading things backwards, words and numbers like 5-10 times a not a extreme amount of messups but enough to make me wonder...

Filling up the motorcycles today my dad asked me the mileage on my bike from the last fill up...I replied "441" and then when he looked super confused I looked again and said "144"...144 being a reasonable number seeing as a full tank of gas goes about 300-330ish miles.

Its just really weird, maybe I am not concentrating enough, of I am just mixing things up...but I do it alot when I talk to. I'll go to say something and repeat the words like, see you later later...I mix up word placement and idk

I just really really need to make it through this semester.

Monday, August 17

lime green

Lime green frying pans! I got two today at Marshall' is bigger and then a little one for small stuff...its all very exciting. I move in to school Saturday morning, classes start bright and early on Monday. (enter sick nauseous, ugh feeling).

I love school, I love my roommates, but the anticipation is killer.


I have the Johnny Cash song stuck in my head, the one were its like "I feel into a burning ring of fire and it burns burns burns..."

it could be because I am laying in bed and I think my knees may possibly really be on fire...the pain is insane.

Saturday, August 15

tired rambelings

I've got nothing to say. Well I have tons to say but it has been a few weird days and I guess I have my own things to work out.

Yesterday I got stuck peeling 10 ears of corn outside in 95 degree heat. It was a like half of hour long nightmare, heat 1) makes me feel sick 2) slows down my mind and my body which makes it super hard to do anything, but you prob. all know that.

We have about 3 pounds of fruit salad in my fridge- strawberries, melon, watermelon, grapes and was calling my name, I know have a giant bowl of it. It could be worse, like a giant bowl of ice cream though.

I also got my first Momentum magazine. I'm not going to lie I had no idea what it was ( somedays I am not too observant, its not like it doesn't say national MS society all over it) , but I was flippin through it and thinking, "why did I get this?" Then of course I had my "oh yeah I have this disease moment."

Alot of the people I went to high school with are getting engaged. People from college are getting engaged. A few of my parents friends kids are having kids ( they are like my age, give or take 2 years) but still...I will never understand the rush of it. I like the idea of a boyfriend but to actually have one seems like a lot of work. It's odd cause today a guy asked me why I wasn't with someone. So sure it would be nice to have someone around, but realistically when I am at school, I have school and student teaching and so much involved with it, like when is there time for a guy. Its more like sleep, eat, study, teach, plan, sleep.

I love tired rambling, ok ciao

Tuesday, August 11

my one true love

Seeing how I am pleasantly single, I have come to realize that my one true love may be my motorcycle. I have finally reached the point where I feel totally comfortable on it. Its only taken like a year, but things have finally clicked and I just have that feeling that I know how it works, and how to make it do whatever I want.

In that respect I think it may be better than any future guy...I think I have had to much lemonade/ice tea ( OMG there's this drink mix that is like 10 calories a serving or something created by Arnold Palmer- uhh hes a golfer I think but yeah I am addiction beyond belief) dad and I headed to Sylvan Beach for Bikes on The Beach night. A street lined with bikes, chillen by the beach is a perfect night in my eyes. Great weather, great people, and ice cream! I'll go anywhere with motorcycles and ice cream...uhh so here is a picture of my bike, its about time I show it off, this was taken last year at uhhhhhhh snap I forgot the name (blame the MS for my spotty memory recently, but it was a reservoir up north somewhere in NY)

ahhh life before MS, but there's me and my bike like 1 week before the start of Junior year...I think we have plans for a second big ride before senior year...I am not to sure as to when though, hopefully tomorrow!


My mom, my brother and his friend and my grandpa left this morning for Gloucester, MA. They are going on a deep sea fishing trip tomorrow, but its about a 6 hour drive so they headed out today.

That leaves my dad and I to roam around aimlessly. So far we have worked on my car together, I think we did something with the AC or something with tubes and cans and such. He is the ultimate Mr. Fix It, from cars to houses, he can basically do it all. My dad is a retired fireman, he retired when I was just turning 13, so hes been retired for a while.

Anyways, in between the car talks and such, the subject of school came up. More specifically what am I going to do after school. I am a bit jealous of my friends who have plans to take a year off and wonder and then do grad school or work. My plans revolve around health insurance. So basically I need to a) get a teaching job right off the start that has health insurance or b) jump right into grad school and then find a part time job to cover living expenses- i.e-food and a car. If I am in grad school my parents insurance will cover me till I am 25.

So at least I have options...they may not be my top choices, but realistically I just got two insurance statements, one for my last MRI and one for Tysabri for the month of July and the total for those two is just under paying for it myself is not a option, buying health insurance with a low wage job is impossible, epically if I need to factor in buying a car that is super that leaves me back with options a or b.

I am basically counting on loving teaching, if I don't I am a bit screwed for school and budget and ect....

and I lost track of my thoughts so I am off like the wind...ciao

Monday, August 10

la la randomness

Tonight I am going to see John Legend in concert...I couldn't be more excited! I have tickets for 5th row center. It should be a blast!

This morning I ordered text books online...the weird part was that the total came to $49.00...thats IF they don't have used...otherwise they will be like $35...I am used to paying like $400-600 dollars a semester, so this was a insanely happy surprise!

Sunday, August 9

Gloomy Sunday

Woke up to a insanely dark and gloomy morning. That's CNY though...

There is one particular reason I love Sunday mornings in particular...POST SECRETS!

When I am at school, Steph and I read post secrets every Sunday morning together, but when we aren't at school its my own little ritual to grab a bowl of cereal and sit and read them. For those of you that have not checked out Post Secrets, its definitely a weekly must read. Basically people around the world mail in their secrets on a post card to a man named Frank. Frank then posts the secrets online for everyone to read.

Thursday, August 6

California in the Summer

California was amazing. It was a complete opposite from New York. I am so used to clouds and rain that I was so confused when it was just sunny everyday in there. Anyways, this is the first picture I took on the trip. Wewere heading to the LA Farmers Market. What I didn't realize though was that in California instead of clouds I guess they have smog...I do not miss the smog.

Oh I already forgot part of my trip. The first night I was their Heather and I drove to Orange County to see Jacks Mannequin and The Fray concert. We had lawn seats, and the amphitheater was amazing, we sat on this giant hill and had a great view. It was a perfect night. We got back super late and I was exhausted from the 7 hours on a plane and airports and such but I am so glad we went. It was a perfect first night in Cali.

The next day is when we went to the farmers market. It was so cool. There were tons of vendors and the whole thing was under this covered walkway. I thought it was the best thing ever. They also had this place called Pinkberry, which serves insanely good frozen yogurt. It was the first time I ate frozen yogurt but if you want a amazing version of it, try Pinkberry. We also went to a this place, Mr. Marcel Gourmet Market . I wanted to go in because I really liked the sign...everything looked fancy inside so we bought a bottle of wine and some chocolate for dinner and snacks.

I didn't realize how many cultures there were in LA. I am not going to lie, I only recognized English, Spanish and French. I had a conversation with a woman in Spanish, that in itself was pretty funny, but its definitely a melting pot of cultures.

Our next stop was the beach! Out of all the beaches I picked Venice Beach. OK I know there are
better beaches than Venice, but before you judge, my tourist button was switched on in my head and I had to see it! Venice Beach is umm interesting to say the least. Actually I loved it! The mix of people there was just unbelievable and it was just so cool to see all this stuff in one place. I have heard that people go to Venice Beach to buy you know, marijuana, but I didnt realize how many people sold it, out in the public! I always assumed it was like in a back alley off the board walk, ohh I am so nieve. They also had "doctors" that would write you a prescription for the medical version of the cute little leafy plant. One guy advertising that the doctor was caught me in the middle of his pitch and says "Don't panic hun, its organic!" (I laughed so hard I could barely walk) It is a catchy saying though. Anyways, it was a awesome beach day, the weather was mid 80's, sunny and breezy. I thought for sure I would fry like a egg in a hot pan out there, but I stayed cool and layed out and read. OK I am lying, I brought a book, but I got distracted by the insanely hot life guard that just kept walking by us. I have a feeling he realized I was staring when all of a sudden he laughs and introduces himself to us. I think I managed to get out a hello. I was minimally sunburned...only two smalls spots got burned. I hate to burn and I am one of the people that burn, stay burned and then go back to being pale...tan is not a option!

Traffic in LA is killer. I think I sat in a car like 5 hours everyday, even if we were only driving like 30 minutes total.

Friday morning we drove to Vegas! Vegas was like a 3 1/2 hour drive...I was the lucky driver there and back. It was OK cause at least when you leave the city the traffic dies down a bit and then its
just straight driving all the way to Vegas. The Mojave Desert was gorgeous. It was the second time I have driven through it. When I was 13 my dad took my brother and I on a cross country trip, my mom flew out and met us in Vegas, but I remember the desert quite well. Anyways, it was a long drive, but well worth it!
Vegas was insane. We stayed at the Tropicana, it was cheap and on the strip and perfect place to crash for the night. We walked around and say as much as we could, no insane amounts of damage was done, but we had a amazing time. Las Vegasat night is inane, the lights just make you go, wow.That picture was of the fountain show in front of The Bellagio. Its a beautiful water show, and as one of my friends said, "its just like in the movie Oceans Eleven!" We also got our picture taken in front of the Paris hotel which recreates the Eiffel Tower. We walked so much that day, we were ready to collapse as soon as our bodies hit the beds. The next morning we got up and headed to a super tasty break fest buffet at The Excalibur hotel. I think it was the Round Table restaurant or something medieval themed.

We then decided to go back to LA, we hung out for the day and then we headed to the local bar, Rude Dogs, I met Heathers friends and it was definitely a interesting first bar experience...I think some drunken texts were involved. I will say I am not the kinda girl who goes out to get plastered and never will be, but I think it was a much needed life experience to add to my list of things I have done and will never do again. This past year has been nothing like I have ever planned and the first night I was in Cali I told Heather that I wanted to do all the things I always say no to. It was fun to really live it up for a week and loosen some of the strings that make me so uptight.

One night we even made cake soup...or attempted to. This is us and our cake, the cake was insanely good. For all of you still reading at this point and wondering what is cake soup, I will let my favorite funny lady tell you:

Kathy Griffin: How to Make Cake Soup: "You microwave a piece of chocolate cake, put it in a Cuisinart with a pint of vanilla Häagen-Dazs. Then you eat it and cry a little bit."

OK so we didn't have a we put in in a blender, the smart thing would have been to probably just stir them together with a spoon but umm blender sounded more exciting. Anyways- that picture of us is with our cake... Heather couldn't wait to frost it, so she started to when it was still hot and umm well it broke.

A word to the wise, do not blend cake and ice cream in a blender...or not like we did cause it was like drinking warm, thick cake batter...

Heather worked Monday and Tuesday and I recovered from the past few days. Then the next thing I know, I am lost at LAX. LAX is big, like big big. I was supposedly flying home US Airways, but they went the operators of my first flight, United was. So I go to US Airways thinking this is where I check in and get boarding passes, only to have a man yell at me that I am not flying US, but United instead. The ticket worker was very unpleasant and of course US is at terminal 1 and United it at terminal 8...they are like 1ish miles apart so walking was not happening...So Heather and her friend came back around and dropped me off at the proper terminal, I got tickets and headed through security and slept the entire flight.

I had a two and a half hour layover in Philadelphia. Then I was home in Syracuse. It was nice to be home! I was so exhausted though, I feel asleep last night at 7:30PM and woke up today at 9:30.

Today I am off to Rochester, dinner with Steph's family, randomness with Steph, Tysabri #8...(I cant believe it will be #8) then bathroom shopping for our shared bathroom in our dorm room. I move in like in two weeks or something insane...If I never mentioned this, Steph, Hannah, Hannah and I are sharing a on campus apartment, it has a kitchen, living room, 4 separate bedrooms and two bathrooms. Steph and I are of course sharing and we are picking our a theme tomorrow!

I think I have written plenty...if anyone lasted until this point, thank you for reading!

"But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be
A holiday from real
We'd waste our weeks
Beneath the sun
We'd fry our brains
And say it's so much fun out here
But when it's all over
I'll come back for another year"
-Holiday from Real- Jack's Mannequin

Wednesday, August 5

Hurry! Someone give me some toothpicks!

Umm weird I know but seriously its the only way I can think of to keep my petty little blue eyes open. I had a 10:45 PM flight outta LAX and arrived in Philly at 6:50ish am...and departed Philly around 9:45 and arrived in my house around 11. Sure I slept on the plane, I slept between jabs to my ribs by the crazy girl next to me who punches in her sleep...So running on about 3ish hours of sleep currently I am kinda awake.

I am heading to Rochester tomorrow...get pumped with Tysabri and maybe someone will hint to what my MRI showed...I doubt it though, its prob hush hush top secret...

Well I hope to be more awake on Friday when I come back cause I have so much to tell!

Monday, August 3

Hello from California!

Just popping my head in, reading some blogs and hanging out for the day. My friend is at work today so I am taking full advantage of doing nothing.

I promise to write tons more when I am home and post some pictures when I finally get to unload them all from my camera but until then I will continue to stalk everyone elses blogs.

P.S- Special thanks to . Be sure to check out her blog if you already haven't already- Living! with MS