Monday, August 31


I feel like I have so much to say, so bear with me as I try to get it all out as coherently as possible.

Today in one of my lecture classes I was called on to give a little summary as to prior activity discussion group topics. The class is co-taught by two instructors, a male and female. I was mid sentence explaining my ideas and thoughts to the male teacher when the female teacher, who the whole time while I was talking was fumbling on the complete other side of the room with her papers and bag, interrupted me to talk louder. OK, fine as me to speak up, but my issue is that to stop someone mid sentence prob. isn't the best idea. The annoying part is that for me at least, if I am interrupted when its not a one on one converstation I loose my train of though very easily. When its one on one conversation its easier to ask someone what I left of on, but this male instructor just stares at me and says ok continue, and I was blank, completely blank, I couldn't even remember what I was talking about. It is frustrating to have the instructor just stare at you, the class of 39 other students stare at you and you are blank. I know it happens to everyone, and I don't want to say it never happens to me, its just that I am having a hard time accepting that things have changed.

As much as I want to say that I have accepted everything, I can't.

I do realize that things take time, it still doesn't make that frustration melt away. I played soccer constantly from 6th grade until my junior year of high school. I had 2 dislocated shoulders, 1 dislocated hip, 2 left knee surgeries and then I was forced to quit when I had a right knee surgery. Everyone used to say I was insane for continuing to play, I was a injury magnet, but I was always super determined to be able to do whatever I set my mind to, and I did until I honetly couldnt. I was upset all of senior year not being able to participate in gym activities and soccer, but in the end I knew that while I could play I had a blast and I wouldnt change a thing. I have accepted the fact that my soccer career is long over, but it took a while for me to accept that.

I feel like accepting MS is so frustrating for me. It's so hard to explain to people where this frustration stems from. I can show people the scars on my knees from surgeries and they can easily see why I don't play soccer. I feel like MS is this imaginary mind game sometimes. Some days I feel great, I feel so much like my old self, and other days I fell like everything is falling down around me because of this disease that I can not even spell.

One thing that I have noticed is that I find that I can not participate in some of the discussions my friends and classmates are having. Like I can't deal with the whole, "I am tired" conversation. I have learned to avoid those like the plague, just because I know that it will not end well. Today in class two girls in front of me were discussing how they have never lost their voice and how they think it would be fun to. I just sat their and took a few deep breathes and opened a project to work on...I know I used to take it for granted but once you loose it and there is serious concern that you will not get it back, its funny how your views change. I wake up every morning, very thankful for what I have regain.

I think I might have gone off topic...

anyways in conclusion to my story above: as I sat unable to remember where I left off or even what I was talking about a kid from my group interjected to help out and take the pressure off me, thanks Kevin.

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