Tuesday, June 30

Me? A knife sales girl? Hahaha

I was offered a position within Vector Marketing, where I would be a sales rep for Cutco Cutlery... The interview- obnoxious, 90 minutes group interview after a 2 minute applicant scan. Apparently I passed with flying colors but as tempting as the 15 dollar/per appointment sounds and chance for 10-30% incentives, if you are smart enough you will see through alot of the bs.

For example, the 10-30& commission incentives are not on top of your $15 per appointment pay, they are instead of. After a week of sales, you pick which one you want. You start off thought at the 10% end and move up as you stay and grow with the company. You gain potential customers through friends and family, you follow their leads and you call them and blah blah blah.

I was the only applicant hired, out of the 6 applicants during the interview slot...and when I was offered the job, I kinda said no thank you. The manager looked a little bit stunned...apparently he is not used to hearing no thank you. Anyways, it was a good learning experience, spiff up those interviewing skills, and have stories to tell my future students.

Sunday, June 28

Just popping my head in

Went for a 130'ish mile motorcycle ride...everything went well- ran out gas at one point though- good thing for reserve on those bikes.

Thursday, June 25

not so peachy

Rolling your ankle is bad, rolling your ankle when a 304 pound motorcycle is falling over, not so peachy, if only for a few seconds. The whole side of my foot is brusied and swollen...once again insert swear words here -->__________________<--

Wednesday, June 24

Bike Night

So tonight was my first bike night...with a few hundred or so other bikes it was pretty fun...

I already new I sucked in parking lots, but tonight reconfirmed it as my bike fell over with me on it...luckily I was only going a few miles per hour so now real damage done, scrapes to the bike and such and its more frustration than anything...I have continued to feel like shit and have just not been with it and this just piles on to my growing list of "uggggggghhhhhhhhs" but at least when a girl dumps a bike, there are immediately 3 or 4 guys all running over to pick it up for you, straighten out your mirrors and reattaching any hanging lights...

but yeah insert swear words here (_______________________________________)

Sunday, June 21

I have two blog posts that are in the forms of drafts...I can't seem to post them. I can't even blame blogger this time, I can't seem to press the "publish post" button. I don't feel like writing, I just have a urge to delete this whole blog...if only deleting the past was that easy...

"And even if your voice comes back again
Maybe there will be no one listening
And even if I find the strength to stand
Doesn't mean I won't go missing
And the world will come

~Jack's Mannequin~Crashing~

Thursday, June 18

I think I am awake

"oh man, I'm the oldest one here ... quick find me a beer so I fit in ..." - My mom upon arrival to the concert parking lot.

Last night it poured and poured. My mom managed to stay dry under her umbrella but I stood in line to get a t-shirt and every layer I had on was soaked. It was about 58 degrees, windy, rainy but I had a blast.

We were so close, and luckily everyone in the "pit" all gathered in the middle so we grabbed a spot on a outer edge and could see everything and were not super close to anyone.

I can't believe how amazing it was. Jack's Mannequin was amazing, The Fray were amazing.

Driving home was obnoxious though, a two hours on the thruway, pouring rain, I could barely see a thing...and of course my mom kept turning up the heat, she kept turning the stereo lower, it was like she was asking for me to fall asleep driving. Luckily I regained control of the controls and turned on the ac and survived the trek home. I am definitely a zombie today though.

Blogger and I are fighting, I have wrote this post 2 or 3 times now and I am a bit tired of writing the same thing over and over...so this one was short and sweet and sucktastic.

Wednesday, June 17

Concerts and stuff

The past few days I have been in a bit of a not so peachy keen mood. This past weekend a good friend of mine decided to post about her issues with me...instead of talking to me...she blogged...she knows I read her blog...and yeah it just hurt.

I even have some lyrics from a Taylor Swift song- Change - That fit very well here.

"It's a sad picture;
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again,
You know it's all the same,
Another time and place,
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it"

Its really nothing new for me in the past last 6 months...it just makes you appreciate who is there though thick and thin with you.

Luckily the California trip and Fray concert is a good distraction.

This morning I wondered over to Rite Aid, the place I should have been working at for a few weeks now...last I heard they were waiting on the background check. Well its been like 3 and 1/2 weeks and so I thought I would pop my head in to see what was up. Turns out that the manager that hired me transferred. So I talked with the new manager who luckily found all my paperwork, he is going to fax some things or do something, I don't know, but he should call me within 2 days...I figure 2 days will mean like by the end of summer...so I am not holding my breath. Since when was getting a part time job so difficult...

On a much brighter note, tonight my mom and I are going to see The Fray with Jack's Mannequin tonight at Darien Lake! I can't wait, I am so excited!

I am a complete music freak...my friends always laugh because I always know who sings any song on the radio, I know all the lyrics even if I hate a song and I could tell you band history like its my life story.

I was the girl in the hospital who every night had her laptop playing through her itunes playlist. I always had music on and I remember every morning for 2 1/2 weeks getting woken up my a intern, who definitely was very cute, but every morning he would come in ask about what I was playing and I would grab my computer and type it all out...I would always write that music was the only way I could keep my sanity at night with all the screaming patients during the night.

So yeah, I cant wait for tonight, we have pit tickets, so that means no seats, right in front of the stage...you cant get any closer than that! My mom is not too excited with the seats...well lack of seats...but I am stoked!

Tuesday, June 16

It's Official

Blogger and I are fighting, blogger wants to publish my posts every time I hit the enter button...grr.

Anyways, it is official, July 29th at 6:20AM I will be off to the airport...its soo early! I will be in Cali @ 11:45 in the morning. I am staying till 10:45PM August 4th...and I have a red eye home...I realised for cheap tickets it means getting the worst flights...but oh well, I can save money and spend it on the vacation!

It's going to be a blast, we have plans for the beach and even Las Vegas!

I can't wait!

Monday, June 15

I'm going to Cali!

So I am bouncing around my room as we speak...I am booking my flight today and yeah, going to California end of July/begining of August. I have a good friend that lives there and I am going to visit...I am soooooooooooooooooooo excited!

Saturday, June 13


Last night I went to bed early, woke up around 9 and low and behold I'm still tired. It doesn't help that my allergies going crazy so I have become a Claritin addict to at least hold them at bay.

My knees burn. I think the burning might be the worst part. I can deal with pain, I have gone through 3 knee surgeries, countless shoulder dislocations and a dislocated hip...So I am quite confident I can handle pain reasonably well...but this burning sensation is something I can not handle.

Of course my parents just kind of look at me and say. "ohh you look fine, just alittle tired, maybe you shouldn't stay up so late..." I am pretty sure getting 8+ hours of sleep a night should be doing the trick, but I feel bad reminding them that uh I have some other factors involved...*cough cough cough* such as MS...

However, I can not play the MS card with my mother for fear that she would start crying. She already blames herself and her bad family jeans for it, so to shove it in her face would be mean.

I would bug the guy in Rochester that likes me but I have decided he is not the guy for me...but I have good reasons as to why. The last time I stopped at his house...Thursday after Tysabri, well he was alittle...alot, too touchy feely...I wanted to die from exhaustion and the only thing on his mind was to feel me up.

We attempted to watch a movie..."watch" must be code for "try to stick your hand up a girls shirt while she is distracted by the movie."

So it is safe to say that while he claims to understand, he doesn't, he is just more interested in a hook-up... I get it, most guys are really only interested in hooking up in college, that's cool, but I am not a hook up kinda girl. (While I write this part, I cannot seem to stop laughing, I just keep having flash backs to him trying to kiss me as I left his house...he leaned in to kiss me, I literaly ducked backwards (, opened the door and ran out to the car, I waved goodbye and I was off...)

Since I am in such a peachy mood I was sent with my mom to the AT&T store while she upgraded her phone. The salesman attempted to sell her all these extra things and to my surprise she started agreeing to everything like the extra memory card, which she already owns, the case, the car charger...so I jumped in and was like, "uh no she needs no of the extras...just do the phone, that's it..."Then my mom agreed and well the salesman looked stunned. It was just amusing...

Anyways I should be off, I have gotten stuck helping my brother with his online class...funny I remember taking and passing Intro To Marketing already...but it seems I get a refresher anyways.

Friday, June 12

In a funk.

Today I woke up at 9:30. I took a nap at 11. I have been extremely tired all day...I usually don't get this tired after Tysabri. I also noticed that my body just aches...my knees ache and burn...its strange...but no headache...

In all other news, everything went well yesterday, Steph kept me entertained during my infusion and afterwards we had lunch with one of our suitemates.

All I wanna do is sleep...so longer post later. I am just relived I don't have work this weekend...theres no way I would make it through the days awake and lively...

Wednesday, June 10

that pig roast kind of smell

Sept 22st 2003.

I was 15, a sophomore in high school, walking home from the bus stop after school. Halfway down the street I noticed both of my parents car in the driveway. My mom worked till 4-5 so to see her car at 2:30 was strange. I walked up the driveway and saw my parents just sitting on the couch together, they both looked extremely upset. I walked in the door, and my stomach just sank as I saw that both my parents were crying.

My dad never cries.

My mom immediately asked me to come have a seat on the couch and I just thought to myself, "oh my gosh, grandpa died."

My mom quickly explained as she was holding back tears that my cousin, Kurt, had died in a motorcycle accident the day before.

As I later found posted in the newspaper, Kurt, lost his life in a motorcycle accident just north of Sandy Creek on September 21, 2003. He was found by a passing motorist about 11:30 p.m. Sunday.

He was riding alone, and so no one really knows what happened. He was thrown from his bike. 

After my parents told me what happened, I barely cried. I just sat there, then I got up, went to my room and started my homework.

Kurt was 33. When my dad was growing up, he lived with his sister after his mom died. His sister had two kids, Kurt and Todd. My dad being just about 11 years older than them treated them more like brothers than a uncle.

Kurt would come pick me up and I would go on random errands with him, and he and I got along very well. He was more like a older brother than just a cousin to me. 

I remember the next day at school I was standing at my locker, and my best friend had walked up to me and all I said was "my cousin Kurt is dead." I grabbed my books for math class and walked into class. I never said anything else about it. 

Everyone gathered at my house before the funeral. My brother and I did not go. I choose not to go. I wish some one had made me go.

One of my last memories of him, is when he and my dad were working on this old pig roaster in our garage. You could just smell the pig and the grease and it was this smell I will never forget.

Last June, I rode my motorcycle up to the cemetery that he is buried at. I parked my bike and decided that I would find his grave. I searched and searched, but no one in my family wanted to talk about where it was. My dad finally said that it was diagonal from his grandparents grave. I found that grave but I could not find his. 

The groundskeeper was mowing the lawn. He watched me walked back and forth through each row and isle. After a while of searching, he stopped his mower and asked if I needed help. He explained that he could find anyone here...so I started to say the name and I got to Kurt and he says he knows exactly who I am looking for. He tried to give me directions to it, but I looked hopeless I guess because he just smiled and said, "I'll walk you to it..."

As we walked he told me about everyone who comes to visit it, about how he has meet so many people that stop by...

It was weird how peaceful it was when I was there, as I laid on the grass and stared at the bright blue sky and finally said goodbye.

Its funny how old feelings just rush back to you some days...I was in the garage talking to my dad, looking at the motorcycle that my cousin crashed on, and all I could smell was pork, that pork and greasy pig roast smell...funny how I have learned to love that smell.

And now I remember

I now remember why I do not date, nor do I wanna date. My plan for the day was to leave for Rochester at 10...be there around 11ish, hang with the guy till 2:30ish, say adios as he goes to work and then I would head to the bookstore till Steph calls, then drive to Stephs' house and spend the rest of my night there.

This morning I watched The Devil Wears Prada and when I came back to my room to pack I noticed the mass abundance of texts and calls that I missed. Anywho, they were all from the said guy above, informing me of this, "hi, I have a doctors appt at 11:40 2day...when u get 2 roch just go to the canal and ill text u when im done...my mom made the appt cuz my eyes r waterin." 

Ok, peachy, whatever, allergies. I am so not sympathetic, I used to be, I am so not sympathetic when I have been a Claritin addict for the past few weeks because my allergies are off the wall. I will not go sit by the canal by myself for a hour waiting on a guy...I will leave my house late, drive slow, maybe even grab lunch because ugh I can not stand when plans get changed. 

I am a control freak, I am unsympathetic ( unless of course you are one of the few people that I absolutely adore and love ) , and I have very little desire to deal with guys.

So now I will just sit and eat a brownie....and sit in my pj's and stare at my unpacked backpack and take my sweet time getting ready.

Tuesday, June 9

oh hey there Mr. Blog...how I missed you

I feel as though I have been neglecting my blog this past week. Of course while I neglect my own blog I have been keep in up with a countless list of blogs...I think my blog list is exhausted. However, I have a slight blog obsession and I am not gonna lie, I love reading them.

This weekend at work was just tiring. Between the kids and parents, my stress level just sky rockets insanely quickly and it stays up there all day until I feel like I am going to pass out on a table and fall asleep. 

I have never handled stress easily. Stress easily eats away at me for days and I just let it. I realize that stress and MS are not best friends and yet the attempt to cut out the stress in my life is not a easy task to accomplish. 

I am very hard on myself. I over analyse every situation one hundred times more than necessary. I really need to learn how to just take a deep breathe and let go of whatever is bothering me. I beat myself up yesterday pretty good though. My dad and I went on a motorcycle ride and I was excited because we always get lunch and its just nice to have something to share with him. My brother, who shares the bike with me, dumped the bike last Friday in the city. I guess he downshifted to fast, then let out the clutch to soon, so the engine speed and tire speeds wern't match and well the bike threw him off. He luckily walked away with just a few scratches in his jacket but the bike had a few bent parts. Anyways, my dad and I took off don our street and as I went to shift I realised I couldn't...the shifter was way to high and well my foot couldn't bend to shift it, so I was not a happy camper as I rode around in first back home. Luckily my dad is Mr. Fixit so he grabbed some tools and fixed it and away we went. I however, was just not with it, and stalled a grand total of 9 times...its like a mental thing for me, once I stall, I just cant stop thinking about it. Luckily I can restart the bike up fast enough that my dad barely realises that I stalled. 

It was nice though, we drove through Chittengo Falls, and its the curviest road I have yet been on, so I was a a happy girl.

...fast forward to today. This morning I got up and headed to the DMV to renew my license. Of course as a special gift from the DMV for turning 21 the state tags on a 58 dollar fee so that when I turn 21 I can be given a license that do not say Under 21 on it.

I also got my hair cut. My hair dresser asked me all about MS and Tysabri and expressed her concerns...its weird because I can answer questions like nothing but I just answer them robotically, I honestly would rather not discuss it with people.

I also baked two batches of brownies today because tomorrow morning I head to Rochester! I am seeing uh the guy, friend, I am not sure where we stand, but I am seeing him, then I am spending the night with my best friend Steph and then I have my Tysabri treatment Thursday at 9:30. Steph is coming with me and I could not be happier about that. The more I think about it, the more it stresses me. 

I don't think I will ever be totally OK with being pumped full of drugs. Thursday will be my 6th treatment...and yeah whatever, I'm stressed...whats new. Every time I walk in that hospital I get flashbacks and everything just rushes back and its overwhelming...I'm glad Steph is going though.

Well, I am off to bed, will post again Thursday or Friday...

Saturday, June 6

a quickie

remember that time I said I wasn't going to be working at the zoo anymore. 

Well, apparently I am too nice and agreed to work today and tomorrow. MS didn't wanna play nice, but I guess it acted nicer then the moms that I got stuck with this morning...sometimes I get the most lovely parents....other days I get the ones who are way off in left field...

No bueno at all. 

I also decided for my 21st b-day skydiving is on the top of my to-do list...

p.s-  i think a quickie means something dirty, i meant nothing dirty about it 

Thursday, June 4

post date

Ok so I obviously survived the date...in all honesty I had fun...I will say its the first time I have received a box of Govida chocolates on a first date...so that was super cute. We grabbed lunch, played mini golf- which I now realize I am horrible at, my eye/hand coordination is way off...plus the heat kinda bothered me alot...but we did get ice cream to make up for the loss...we sat by the canal and people watched...really my kind of day. We went back to his house, I met his mom, well he was adopted, so i met his adoptive mom who had this adorable southern accent and was super sweet and we just sat and watched a movie...very perfect

but perfect is not always perfect...as he walked me to my car, right on his front porch was a bloody, headless chipmunk...I guess his cat played with it...I fought back the urge to throw up....so yeah perfect moment not so perfect, I'm gagging now just thinking about it...

haha so as I told my friend, this date gets a rating of 8/10. Not bad for a first date...

On a side note...I dont know if it is from the 3 hours I spent driving or what but my legs kill. They burn, the ache, its kinda a insanly painful pain. Just for the night, MS take a break please.

Wednesday, June 3

swim, just keep your head above...

So tomorrow is the big day- I have a date. To say that is a bit odd for me. I am a lil bit excited, but honestly the thought of going to Rochester makes me smile...so it may have nothing to do with the guy I will be with all day...

My biggest problem with guys is that from my experiences the guy wants like all or nothing from the start. Like if you are not planning on dating them they don't wanna be your friend either. Its kinda frustrating and I feel like that's what is going to happen with this.

I was talking to my best friend, Steph, and I was telling her the plans for tomorrow and all she said was that it was super cute. So the itinerary- walking along the canal, dinner, and rock band...so I don't know. I will admit as one of my friends has pointed out to me that I am a hopeless romantic and I always thought the perfect date would be walking along the canal and grabbing dinner someone close...but maybe I just love being at the canal and company never hurts...

Well anyways, it should be interesting and I will definitely post all about it later.

One last random thing- I bought a cd yesterday The Glass Passenger by Jack's Mannequin...and this one song Swim is so amazing perfect...

"You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above"

Tuesday, June 2

A response

This may be from lack of sleep, or maybe I misunderstood something but alas I am answering because hey this is my blog and I can.

Dear Anonymous,

I love comments on my blog, I really honestly do. But on my last posting something seems alittle off. You see I post things on my blog that I do not go around sharing with everyone else. Its my journal but open to the interpretation of others. Usually someone will leave a comment that is positive and encouraging...yours I will admit has left some questions in my mind. 

"You're lucky to be just 20 with MS." First off, lucky and MS do not belong in the same sentance...or at least not in my eyes. Ummm really, am I that lucky that I got it when I was 20. Because honestly, no I do not agree. At 20 I am still finding my place in this world, I am trying to plan my future, the last thing I needed was to be kicked 5 feet under the ground because of MS. I feel as though going through what I went through aged me 10 years. I am so high strung and uptight, that I am pretty sure all my tendencies act like a college student have flown out the window. 

The only drug I have been on is Tysabri, and yeah it has been good, but since I am a college student I am on my parents insurance. So my concern is when I am done with school next year and no longer covered by my parents insurance who is going to cover this wonder drug. I could relapse on this drug like any other drug, I am a firm believe that my cards have already been dealt, I got what I got, and now I deal with it. If another attack happens I deal, just like I have in the past. 

It would be wonderful to say that I will take Tysabri for my whole life, but PML is real, financial concerns are real. When your doctor explains that PML is a real risk I do not take that lightly, I will have no problems reevaluating Tysabri again and again. It has not been studied for long term use, so if PML increases as time goes on, I will gladdly consider going off of it. 

So once again, these are my views, I choose to share my experience with others, it was not a easy choice. If you did not post as anonymous I would have wrote a simple email response but alas you didnt so public posts it is.

Sincerely a kinda urked/overtired/over-emotional blogger.

I have a obsession

I have a obsession, that has is growing at a cont ant increasing rate...cd's...even with the invention of being able to buy music online, I will also stay true to cd's...

but because I used to be a math major and all, lets do some number crunching....
139 cds @ lets say 12 dollars...we all know some are more some are less...but that equals $1668...kinda crazy but I will keep buying them lol.

Oh so freakin tired...

Yesterday my mom and I, well actually just I, packed up the car and headed to Darien Lake...a 102 mile haul to see Coldplay. I haven't been so excited to actually sit through a long card ride with my mom since I saw Matt Nathanson a cool 3 hours away. You see my mom and I are on different wavelengths, we do not see eye to eye, but luckily the one thing we do share some similarities is with music. I will say though our conversations in the car lasted about 1/20 of the trip, but luckily I packed alot of cds to get us through.

When there are alot of people or cars and traffic my mom gets all panicky like we are going to be late. I on the other hand have adapted this weird mindset where I know that I planned this trip well and we have plenty of time to deal with traffic. So she freaks out when we are not moving and I hand her a sandwich and tell her to chill.

Well we made it right at 6, as the gates were opening up. We stood in a massively long long and slowed entered the gates. We found our seats which though weren't super close to the stage, they weren't too far either.

The concert was amazing, absolutely amazing. I had bought aisle seats and can I say oh-my-gosh half way during the show big security guards kept walking up and down our isle, barricading places off and the next thing you know they had tape right down our isle blocking any ones escape. But seriously Coldplay exists the stage and starts walking through the crowd down the marked off isles and well they walked right past me, we were seriously 1inch apart. I am not some crazy super fan so I refrained from grabbing Chris Martin like so many people did...but it was just so cool.

They played my favorite some, The Scientist, which gave my chills, its got to be one of my most favorite songs ever...

The disaster was exiting this place, we sat in our car for a good 1/2 hour- 45 minutes without moving. I was the lucky driver for the night as my moms night visions is not so good. By the time we started driving is was just before midnight. I am usually in bed at midnight so as my mom slept in the car I had the air conditioning blasting, the music loud and was singing aloud. 

By the time I got home I was wide awake...so I finally crashed around 3ish, woke up like 2 hours ago, and I completely, 100% a zombie.

I have random stuff to talk about but I may fall asleep here and having keyboard imprints on my forehead is not on my to-do list today.

-Oh yeah Chris Martin is in the pic above...thank you Dalboz17 from flicker for posting this, I did not get any good pictures...

Monday, June 1

A bit frustered...

Dear Wii Fit Creators,

Stop making my character bigger in size then she needs to be. Fine, whatever, go ahead and tell me that my bmi is a bit too high...I can deal with that...but don't expand the waist line of my character. 

Your Very Frustrated Wii Fit User

In better and happier news I am super excited because tonight I am going to see Coldplay, and I simply cannot wait. I wish they could play every song that they have made, but realistically I know that would never happen...I think I would die though if they played The Scientist because that song gives me chills every time