one of those nights...

Sometimes music describes my mood and my thoughts better than I ever could...the lyrics just connect and I find myself listening to certain songs on repeat over and over again.

For instance these two songs fit me so perfectly tonight. Adele - Hometown Glory and Sia- Breathe Me.

I have said many times that one of the only things that got me through 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital was music. My family always jokes around that I am a music freak, but honestly music is that one connection for me that can explain the things I can not. Lyrics make a impact, they make a connection and they really take on this power that is unimaginable. I understand that it is not the same for everyone but sometimes its that thing in my life that is constant. I can always turn on a cd player or my iPod and just zone out.

My blog often confuses me. Sometimes I wonder why I even write it. Would I make more of a impact if I took a chance and shared my thoughts with those who need to hear them. I have always been quiet, shy and more of a listener than a speaker and its hard to find your voice with friends who know you as the one who will always listens but rarely speaks up.

Its weird how I miss my old friends so much at the most random times...My best friend from high school failed miserably at being a friend when I needed her the most last year. All she could focus on was me and school and my grades and graduation...and all I was focused on was talking and walking and functioning. She let me down, but when she got mad at me for not talking to her enough I just gave up. I didn't get to say that I was the one letdown, I deserved to be upset with her, I just needed a friend and she couldn't be that for me.

I image what it would be like if I sent her a letter, a honest, sincere letter about everything. Maybe she would respond, and maybe things would go back to normal...I would wake up and things would be back to normal. I would love to live in this sense of false hope that everything would work out, that she would apologize for running away.

I get it, it was a scary thing, I did not expect people to understand what I was going through, I just needed someone to hold my hand through it all, she couldn't do that.

Even though I am so mad, frustrated and above all just hurt, I still find myself wondering if its my fault...

"I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me"

Sia - Breathe Me