I debated posting tonight and have finally come to the conclusion that a post is in order. My grandfather is still in the ICU, still sedated and still on a ventilator. When I think about it or write about it, it doesn't seem real. Doctors are speculating that when he was transported from Boston to the nursing home in New York he suffered a heart attack. Apparently one of the main valves in his heart isn't working properly and there is fluid surrounding his heart.

I think at this point I'm just so numb to the idea that something could happen to him that I just can't wrap my mind around the situation. I talk to my dad and he is very upfront and clear of the possibilities and doesn't hold back information. The weird part is that I could talk all day about it and remain perfectly composed. My grandfather hasn't been around at all for the past (almost) two months now and I feel like nothing is changed. I'm used to seeing my grandfather every week for dinner. We've missed almost 8 of those dinners now and yet nothing feels different. Maybe this is me avoiding the whole situation, but it's strange to think I haven't even shed a tear. Of course I am worried that I won't get to say goodbye but in the same sentence I still remember the last night he was still himself. He was staying the night before his quadruple bypass and he couldn't figure out the remote to our TV in our basement (which is conveniently labeled as the in-law suite) to watch the Yankees. So I went hopping down the stairs and found his beloved Yankees, gave him a kiss on the cheek and wished him the best of luck. It's weird to think that could be the last memory.

I saw him once in the hospital after his bypass and he didn't look the same. My parents wanted me to go but I had no real desire to go. I am not a hospital person, I get dizzy and nauseous with all the smells, nosies and people. Hospitals and I do not get along. I went, I signed a pillow that heart patients get, and I left him to sleep, I didn't wake him up, maybe I should have so I could have at least said hello.

It's amazing how this blog that was once supposed to be all about me and my MS has changed so much. I used to think that MS was going to be in my every thought but it amazes me how much has changed in such a short time. I am thankful that through this process I have been able to share some of the thoughts swirling around in my head because I think we all need a outlet sometimes.

Hope all is well, hopefully soon I will get back to blogging the more happy, random things swirling around in my head and life, that are just dying to get out and onto this blog. <3