I cant even title this page because my mind is scattered. I had a normal day...I did get my grades..and well I made Deans List! Yay, right? I am supposed to be excited, I think. The thing is, my family and their friends all doubted my ability to go back to school...and yeah I proved them wrong, but I just imagined that feeling would be more exciting.
I headed to the zoo today to fill out paperwork that I was missing so I could be re-instated at my job. I met with the HR lady, who was nice, but she was a bit confused as to why I left in the first place. I explained that I was in the hospital and my prognosis was looking iffy for being able to talk...its weird when I tell people that they either are shocked or they pretend like I am joking or something...she just stared and was like, well I am glad your better...so I was like, uhhh yeah me too. Then I was questioned about my ability to preform all the required job tasks. I have done this job since 2004...I think I could do it with my eyes closed, but she made me question things.
Like what happens when I get shaky and I cant control it...or I trip because my muscles decide they don't wanna participate in anything? So once again I am left to fear the unknown. I can do it, I know I can, its just the unknown that scares me to death.
I was talking to a friend earlier and I was talking about how I was going to Rochester next week to visit Steph...and of course I am going for Tysabri as well...but I didn't mention that...and the next thing I blurt out is how I don't want to take Tysabri anymore. Of course he is like a bit worried that I am going to do something like stop taking it, but I hate that people don't get the fact that I HATE being tied down to a drug. Like if I don't take it what happens, I just have relapse after relapse...
So to my days where I was a math major I will crunch some numbers, if I live till I am lets say 80 and I magically stay on Tysabri my whole life, and PML doesn't kill me first...I will have had 708 Tysabri treatments...at about 3 grand a pop that is a total cost of $2,124,000...not counting the MRI's and bills from neurologists...looking at numbers detracts me I think...I finally stopped crying working on my math...
I know that no one wants to be on a drug for ever, but I want my MS to go away. I honestly do, I put on the strong front so well, the Superwoman persona...the I can do anything, the indestructible act so fricken well, that I believed it for a while...hell, I even have a superwoman logo tattooed on me...
At school I was distracted from negitive thinking...at home I am the only one awake past 11...I sit and think, and thinking is my downfall.
But what happens if I spend all my time obsessivly worrying about MS that I forget to live my life...I am afraid its passing by to fast and I am just sitting on the sideline with my head between my knees holding back the tears...
"You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn't matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or calling your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well you're tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well"
This song has been playing on my itunes all night, I dont know why but I am obsessed with the lyrics...I just get it I guess...its called Wishing Well, by The Airborne Toxic Event