On Monday I had my 65 minutes presentation for my methods of teaching business class, and it was to 7 grad students and my professor...lets just say it is intimidating to say the least. My presentation was on taxes...and yeah it was horrible, I don't know anything about taxes, nor do I do my own...so yeah it was not so good...but whatever. Now I have a meeting tomorrow at 4 to meet one on one with my professor to put together my portfolio...he makes me so nervous and I always end up sounding like an idiot.
On Tuesday I met with my Consumer Behavior professor to discuss my awful grade on my last test. I am not on of those students who can go to a professor and complain about my grade or ask for more points. I took the test, I bombed the test, I take fully responsibility for my actions. Pretty simple in my mind. Well he waned to meet for some reason and was surprised when I didn't ask for any extra points. He also wanted to know what happened...and all I had to say was that I had had a bad day that day. Me+ the flu + stress = disaster. I had no intentions of talking about the fact that my MS was making me a bit funky but he looks at me and says, I know what you are going through, and I know you don't always feel great, but I am aware of whats going on. I sat a bit stunned, rather annoyed, rather frustrated...its one of those moments where you just bite your tongue and hope you don't start to cry. I hate the fact that someone just associates me with MS and blames my performance on it...I did bad because everyone has a bad day sometime. It is life, I wish people could stop "pretending" to know what is going on, admit they have no clue and just shove all their ideas about it back to a dark, dark place in their mind. Anyways, I have my consumer behavior final and my accounting final back to back, 1 at 8 and one at 10:40 so he switched his final for me to the next day. Apparently he knows what is best...I am the stressed student anyways...
Oh and then there is today. I woke up feeling good, better than I have woken up the past few days...but my roommate was not in a very good mood...and soon my mood just collapsed. Maybe I just thought if I was in a good mood, even if I pretended I could just make it through today. Well, seeing as though I am on the verge of tears writing this blog, my day could not have been any worse. First off, the amount of pain I am in is kinda crushing me at the moment. My legs burn and ache, my back hurts, my arms just feel like they weigh one million pounds and my head throbs. Second off, I feel so sluggish, I would be happy calling it a night and going to be and sleeping this awful feeling off. Third, all that has been on my mind is tomorrow.
I don't know why I am so worried about tomorrow, I have successfully gone through 3 Tysabri treatments. No allergic reactions yet, no problems, no new attacks. That's all good...but in my mind I can only think about what happened at my last neurologist appointment last Tuesday. My doctor had told me how there was someone that day who had had a bad allergic reaction to their Tysabri infusion. It was a few treatments in to his treatment and my doctor told me that I was definitely not out of the clear for any reactions. I am not going to lie, the fact that I could have a allergic reaction to this, scares the shit out of me. The fact that I could develop PML, makes me sick to my stomach. Its not really the kinda thing I should be worrying about now...but honestly when I get into the mindset of freaking out, it takes alot to talk me down off my cliff of fear. I am 20, I have already bypassed the lower level MS drugs...I just jumped right to this middle of the line treatment...according to my doctor, I am the third one he has just put on Tysabri without starting with something on a lower level...the other two were guys in their 30'2 or 40's or something...that there, scares me.
I keep telling myself not to worry about it, just to focus on something else, but it's always there. Its stuck in my mind... and I cannot for the life of me shake it.
The only plus of today is that at 6:15...less than a hour, I am going out to dinner with my little MS group...all I can say is thank god...if I don't talk to someone who knows what I am going through I may explode at this point. They are the only ones where I can talk openly about it, I don't have to pretend to be all OK...they get it.
For now, I will get ready, head over early, hit Wegmans and pick up some food...maybe a danish for breakfast, I know one of my amazing friends has danishes for her comfort food...I may try that for breakfast tomorrow...and then I need some good fluids for tonight- to make sure I have veins, I don't wanna be stabbed by a needle more than once tomorrow and also I always end up with a nasty headache the day or two after...so fluids always help...