Saturday, April 25

time for a new blog, I think, I guess

I am pretty sure that my body and I are having a fight. Ever since Wednesdays passing out episode I have felt strange...which makes me believe that me passing out was not from a lack of eating. I am also bruised...oh my gosh the bruises are nasty...I have nasty one the size of a fist on my derriere and my elbow looks horrendous from my IV. Anyways, I have gone plenty of times missing a meal...yeah yeah its not good, but it happens to the best of us...and that morning I had only been up for about 2 1/2 hours before I crashed. 

The reason I am wondering about this was because today I tagged along with Steph- my roommate- to church. So my brother had my car for the past day so we decided to walk to church...just over a mile into town, along sidewalks and the canal. Anyways, it was low eighties, which is kinda new for our area, we have been stuck in the chilly weather for a while now. I haven't gone to church in seriously like forever...I made my confirmation and was done...but Steph wanted company and I figured it couldn't be that bad. Well, it was all going fine but as we were all standing, I started to feel funny, I got really warm, and felt alittle sick and then I could feel my heart racing...I tried to take my pulse but I failed, mainly because I couldn't keep track of all the beats...I just stood there and tried to breathe and calm myself down...Now, I survived, but that is the second time I have felt like that in less than what a is kinda starting to freak me out...

Oh on the way to the dining hall this morning for brunch- see I so do eat-there were two caterers walking towards Steph and I- one was a woman and the other was a guy. Anyways, the woman was staring at me, like her eyes fixed on me...I got creeped out and kinda hid behind Steph, but the woman like made a straight V-line to me and was like, "OMG are you the one who fainted the other afternoon"
Me- "uhhhhh yeah..."
Crazy Lady- " I have been worried sick about you, I was at your side the entire time"
Me- " oh yeah, I dont remember you...I don't really remember alot..."
Crazy Lady - *reaches out and hugs me*
Me ( thinking)- "ohhhhh my god, help, help, help crazy woman..."

So yeah I don't remember too much from that day, and it sucks...

So whats the deal, is it stress, is it some weird reaction to the change in weather, is it my non changing so-so eating habits...who knows but I would really love to find out. I know my heart is fine... last November it got completely checked out because of the fact that in the ER I had a heart rate over I was given the all clear, but it still freaks me out that something could be wrong. Maybe it is me being paranoid, but really I would rather be paranoid then caught off guard.

Or maybe  its just me being so frustrated that I am not just a 20 year old...I have more to worry about than I need to...MS shouldn't be one of the first things on my mind when I wake up, or I shouldn't have to worry about recognizing all the strange warning signs my body shoots off. 

This may sound bad, but my mom obviously feels guilty me having MS, so I don't talk about it when I am around my parents much...but my mom has this new attitude that she is going to make up for giving it to me...whatever I ask of her, she does...she is stuck at my hip, she wants to go to countless concerts with me and then buy the tickets....she just wants to take care of it all, which is hard for me to accept. I like being on my own, I like buying my own stuff, I shouldn't need people handing me money... I love my grandparents to death but when I got out of the hospital in Nov, I got a envelope and card with 1000 dollars...

If countless concerts and money doesn't make me feel better, what will...oh maybe oh maybe some better health...being able to go more than a couple months without having to go in the ER...but hey, I do get to see Coldplay, The Fray and now John Legend in concert this still could always be worse...

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