I realize that I go through periods of time lately where my emotions are very much like a rollercosters path. They go up and down and around and back again. I wake up in the morning and I experience one out of the following three emotions- thrilled - depressed - numb. Thrilled- like I woke up this morning, so excited for the day, ready and willing to conquer the world. Depressed- I wake up many mornings just with a uneagerness to start the day, its those days that I would rather not ever get out of bed...I guess if you are curious as to what it feels like, I can describe it as the feeling you get when you wake up and its raining and dark and gloomy outside- all you want to do is curl up in bed and watch a movie. Lastly- numb - these mornings I just wake up, no emotion...just get out of bed, put on sweats and head to class or stare at my computer.
It is weird because this morning I was thrilled to get up, feel so alive. It is funny because on the ride back to school with Steph, she mentioned the fact that when I am so excited in the morning that it rubs off on her...I mean that is kinda cool...my positive energy can be passed on a bit to someone else...I guess it is kinda contagious. Though I worry that when I wake numb or depressed does that rub off on other people. I guess I would rather pass along the happiness rather than be a downer in someone else's day.
I realize that I sometimes control my moods, I let things get me down and I try to remind myself how lucky I am that I am not in worse shape...things could always be worse kinda attitude. However I find myself responding to my own - things could be worse - mantra with something like - yeah but come on other people can find a cure. Yes, I know that is horrible but I do know that I am not the only person who considers that thought. Its not that I would rather take some other sickness for the chance to be cured but some days I just give up.
Another point that my roommate brought up was the fact that when I have no plans for the day, or no classes, I tend to be the most miserable. Her and I were talking it over and I came up with the justification that when I don not have any plans, I have nothing to think about- or nothing to distract myself with- and that leaves my mind to wander- and not wander to the positives in my life, but it wanders to ever dark, negative thought that is someone in the spotted area that doctors call my brain.
I think alot, probably more than I should but never-the-less I do and it often leads towards a negative place. However, sometimes, once in a great moon, I figure out something about myself that I didn't realize. It never dawned on me how upset I get when I go to sleep. I work myself up when I go to sleep...its bad because my roommate is asleep as soon as she hits the pillow and I lie awake for a good 1-2 hours after either staring at the ceiling, watching tv or listening to music, all awhile thoughts race through my head.
I hate unpredictability. The reason why I dont want to go to sleep is not because I am afraid of the upcoming day- I know I can deal with it all...but I worry that I will wake up and not have feeling throughout my body, wake up with no ability to talk, wake up unable to walk, wake up unable to _(fill in the blank)_ my worries are endless. The weird thing is that I am 20 and I feel like I worry more than my grandparents or my parents. I worry about my body failing me. That worry consumes my thoughts at night because unlike during the day when I can push it out and away, at night everything I pushed away resurfaces stronger and more intense. At night my day catches up with me and I tend to joke with people that I will most likely end up a insomniac or addicted to sleeping pills because when I sleep my mind is quieted. People just think I cant sleep because it is MS related. Its funny how people can blame everything on MS. The other day I was complaining that my hip hurt- I dislocated it once during my many years of soccer and it has yet to be fixed- I even put off my surgery to fix it last December because of the whole MS flare up- but as I was complaining to a suite mate she said, "oh it must be your MS."
Maybe people don't know alot about MS, but I guess I can only blame so much on MS. I mean previous soccer injuries I will not blame on MS, but I will blame my poor coordination and balance on MS. There is a fine line of what I can blame and what I cant blame.
I was just in the laundry room with my roommate and I was walking around barefoot. Last year I would never, ever walk around barefoot anywhere.. I wouldn't even get off my bed without at least socks, but as I danced around the laundry room Steph said "I would never imagine you doing this..." I was too busy laughing but she in all seriousness said that my personality before everything happened would never allow me to a) dance in any public place or b) walk around barefoot...I guess things change- and I guess that I don't care about alot of things I used to be so concerned over.
Well, this may be the longest blog, my fingers are tired and I have been typing for a while. Guess its time to end for a while...