my rantings on a bad bad day

Today blew. Well it supposedly was good because my suitemates and I got our 1st pick in the apartment lotto for housing next year...so that's super good...our room is on the second floor of a insanely nice building, we have two bathrooms- each with two sinks, four bedrooms, a kitchen, pantry, living room and a hallway closet...

I have no tolerance for people today...like my tolerance may be on a negative scale. I went to print out lots of papers and of course I walk across campus and find that in the first computer lab there was no paper...so I head to the second one...oh there's no paper there either...so I head to lab number 3 and oh there is ton of paper but I cant log onto the fricken system cause the schools system was DOWN. So I grabbed paper and went back to my room, put stuff on a jump drive went to the closet computer lab put the paper in and went to print my stuff...but the only girl in the lab thought that oh when some girl comes in and puts 10 sheets of paper in the printer than it must be for her use........................................... WHAT THE HECK...............I have a really just "shrug it off" personality but OH NO, not this time, I looked at her and was like, are you really serious???...and I walked out and headed back to lab number three....

I met with a girl from my entrepreneurship class because she has yet to turn in her financial plan for her fake business...it was due Friday. I turned mine in Friday, on time, and she choose not to. She then had the guts to ask me five days later to met with her because she couldn't figure it out. A- We have had the assignment since day one of the semester. B- All you had to do was open a excel file and change numbers, the program calculated figures automatically....but of course I show up and she has the wrong file open...she didn't know the difference between a word file and a excel file. She couldn't figure out how to change numbers in the word document probably because the word document is not a program. 

While at dinner we listened to some British kid behind us talk with his mouth full and every sentence either started or included the F word. I have about no tolerance for it...I used to use it more than I wanted to, it was a nasty habit. I use it once in a while now when I am extremely frustrated and upset but honestly I think it just makes you appear unintelligent, its unnecessary and vulgar and just whatever I am by no means the grammer police.

I have had this cold/flu/virus for about 5-6 days now...I am rather convinced it is turning into a sinus infection. When I am sick my MS symptoms or whatnot act up...the uncontrollable tremors and shaking may be my personal favorite...its always a blast watching someone stare at you go down a flight of stairs while one half of your body is shaking so bad that if you didn't hold on to a railing you would without a doubt fall over. The best is when the person watching you is your business education methods professor...he is the guy that has emailed and has been concerned about me and then I go on to tell him I am fine...well last night of course he saw me during our class break heading back to the room after visiting a professor and he saw me come down the stairs shaking so bad and he just stared. Wasn't he the one who told me " I had a grandfather who had MS, so I know what you are going through."...well Mr. Business Professor I think it is safe to assume that you don't know because the look on your face was not of understanding but of someone who was frightened or freaked out by what he was seeing. 

So whatever, thanks for your "understanding."

T-Shirts

So my mom decided that she wanted my MS team to have custom T-shirts. So, we each designed our own stick figure and then I put the shirts together. The front of the shirt says: Steph's Chicas and the back of the shirt says: Kicking MS in the butt! If you scroll down the page you will see on the side bar the shirt design!. I spent a stupid amount of hours getting things just right...but whatever, its all cool.

MS Trump card and my Friday ramblings

I am actually sick. I woke up this morning with a fever and I soon realised that MS and fevers don't go well together. It was a wonderful day of weirdness. I have a nasty cough, everything hurts and its just gross. I really hate having a fever because I sit in class and sweat, like my shirt was probably soaked through, soo bad and really I shouldn't have been in class but I had quizzes to fail. 

After classes I hung out with my suitemate, vitamin d girl. We talked about everything and I was very honest about what I was thinking and everything that is going on in my life. It really cleared things up and we just see eye to eye more I think, or at least we are at the same level. 

We also had a spaghetti dinner to go to. It was for Operation Smile and the craniofacial unit at Strong (They deal with cleft plates and such). Ok, so what alot of people don't know about me is that when I was born I had a cleft of the soft plate when I was born. I went through the whole surgery thing and then speech when I was little so even though I dont remember what I went through I do know that my life without being able to get it fixed would have been way different. So, of course, I have no problem donating some cash to help a cause like this. We also went because two of my suitemates worked at it/ were in charge...

------------------------End of 1st half of blog------------------------------

Ok why am I separating this blog? Well, thats a great question! The next part of this blog is something that has been bothering me ever since the meeting I went to yesterday. I talked with my roommate and my suitemate about it and it of course is still bothering me. 

So the topic is the "Trumph Card." 

As defined by the Urban Dictionary:

1.	trump card
	The final resort but often the easiest way out.  You're most powerful option in succeeding at anything in life.  Unfortunately, once used, the trump card can rarely be used on the same person again. If reused it will rarely be as powerful.

...so why does this bother me? Well, it seems the ladies at the meeting love playing their trump card and they talk about using it alot. For example:

Friend A- I am sooo tired today.

Friend with MS- I have MS I am always tired, you shouldnt complain.

yeah, ok whatever, but they use their trump card for anything and everything to the point where I cant understand how they have any friends. If I did that to all of my friends and such my family would hate me. I get that having MS is frustrating and it is uncontrollable, but the way to handle situations with people should not be to solely play your trump card. 

I tend to think that if you use your MS card for everything, MS will become who you are. I don't want to be known for my use of my "trump card." I want people to see me separately from my MS...and if they know I have MS, I do not want it to be my defining characteristic...but whatever, maybe that is just me. I see using your "trump card" as the easy way out and letting MS beat you...and the truth is that everyone has their own trump card...everyone is going through something in their life and its not fair the MS always trumps it. 

But those are my thoughts...to each their own, right

meeting number 2

it went well, its still kinda hard because its for 20 and  30 somethings...which means I really don't have alot in common with the 30 somethings...even though the rock...I just kinda sit back and listen...but I did speak my piece when someone dissed Tysabri...I was a bit surprised that I stood up for it...yeah you can die from it, there is a chance but you could walk across the street and get hit by a car and die tomorrow...I cant live worrying when I am going to die and people don't get that if I wasn't on Tysabri I would without a doubt be experiencing way worse problems...so yeah I kinda get alittle uptight about it. 

its good to meet some people going through this though...i'm not looking for a new bff  but it is just nice to know you know someone else who is going through the same thing as you. if i could find someone else who couldn't talk for over a week...or who couldn't eat and drink for over a week because of swallowing issues...i would flip, i would love to meet someone who experienced that because as of now  everyone i have meet has not had anything like that...

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

Rain sucks. What the heck, it was amazing out yesterday...I even walked to the canal to read. Today its raining and nasty. I really wouldn't be complaining but tonight I have a meeting with the MS group I am in. Its kinda not really close to school and it of course is like 30 minutes away according to google maps. So my frustration in going somewhere I have no idea where it is, in the rain and when its gloomy and nasty. I know I should be going because this group is basically the only time that I am with people that know what it is like...

So yeah, I will suck it up, go get lost and hopefully gain some more insights so I can write a amazing blog later...

People.

sometimes people make me angry and frustrated and upset...

I have one super specific example- So my roommates signed up for the MS walk...great, grand, it will be a blast! Anyways, a few hours after we sign up on of my suitemates...we will call her Vitamin D girl. She decided to make her status on Facebook:

  Vitamin D girl is doing the MS walk in May -- follow the link to sponsor me if you want!

then some people commented and said they would sponsor her...great, grand, super amazing...then I saw this after one girl had commented how her mom has MS...

Vitamin D girl said My suitemate (and our team captain) was diagnosed in October so my suite decided to form a team this year and do the walk!

ok. so at my school about I dont know, a few people know, my professors know that I have it but whatever...I choose who to tell because I have that right. Well Vitamin D girl has 389 friends at my school. my school is small, that's my whole class plus some...so ok if anyone reads their news feed...they know. So the whole time I was doing a presentation today I sat at wondered who actually knows, who figured it out...all they had to do was follow the link and see my name as the team captain...thanks again Vitamin D girl, I really, really appreciate it and because of that I have no problem eating all the chocolate truffles you left out, even if they are the super expensive ones, I left you all of you favorites...well the exact opposite of your favorites...the vanilla ones..

if you haven't gotten how people make me angry and frustrated, don't worry, i have a second example for you:

So my mother wanted me and basically forced me to register my roommates and myself for the MS walk. I did so and her reason behind it was so that my relatives could donate to our team. OK fair enough, exciting and cool! However, after I made my team I was talking to my mother last night. I was looking for some of the addresses that I was missing as I never really keep up with who has what email. She then let me know that she had already sent out a email to all my relatives and everyone had already made donations...but to her team! Oh, then why the hell do I make a team...so that my mom can ask for money in my name...peachy. If I was one of my relatives I would be kinda curious as to why the girl who actually has MS...isnt participating...and I would probably wonder if she really cared or not. That's probably why no one ever talks about it in my family, because my mom fills them in on everything--I am in fact a dumb college girl who I guess has no idea what is going on with her own life. 

I am walking in this walk for a few reasons, I am walking so that no one else has to hear the words- You have MS...those words sucked as I was so wonderfully told in a ER of a hospital by myself. I am walking with my roommate because when I called her after my parents left me in the ER for the night before I was diagnosed, she rushed over and caught the tail end of the conversation the neurologist was having with me which ended with-- You have MS. She saw it first hand, she was their and she knows. We are doing this thing together because she is one of the two people I have let in. She is one of the three people who know what I think, what I worry about and all the inbetweens. I am not walking this to have more drama piled on me by my other two suitemates. I love them for joining, but I cant stand when they do it because they "have been affected deeply by their roommate." That is bull, we dont talk about it ever, they know that I go get treatments once a month, but they never ask about it...we dont talk MS. The only MS talks that I have are with my roommate or on this computer. 

Ok and now for some positives...well two positives:

The first- our MS team has raised $265dollars so far

My mom sent me a email and I guess my old PT guy wants to sponsor me in the walk. He truly rocks. He has seen me recover from 3 surgeries, a hip injury and he was the one who rehabed me for a month after my November attack. When ever he sees my name on the "new" patient list he calls immediately to see what is up and to see what he can do. When he found out that I had MS he was speechless...he had called after he saw I was going to be coming back in to do some rehabbing...when my mom told him on the phone that it was for MS, he was literally speechless. He offered to do whatever and it was so cute. ( only I could see this as cute, I am weird or something). When I started PT for to work on everything in December he was amazing, he stood by my side and did whatever it took to motivate me into getting better. I actually looked forward to going to PT. He saw me recover, he saw my walking and speech get better and I remember one day in which he said how well my speech improved and how amazing I was doing...that meant more than anything and made my day, week and month. 

I think its people like this that make you push forward and see the positives in life. I think that because he is in his late 20's and I have know him for years I can just talk to him so much easier. Even if it is about MS I could always throw out questions or problems and he was willing to help me solve things and look for answers. I wouldn't had been able to pick a treatment without him...He just simplifies my thoughts sometimes even when I just want to sit there and cry. I am amazed that I could open up to him and I am glad he has been there to listen and that he cares enough to sponsor me in this walk.

and there you have it, the things that had frustrated me and made me angry, and the positives of my day.

i give up

OK, so this whole MS walk idea has turned out to blow. i want out. i think if i do not get out, someone on my team might just disappear...or a may smack her with some hard object. i couldn't sleep last night, things just ate and ate away at me...reminds me of a caterpillar and a leaf...anyways i may go insane in class, i probably should have blogged last night, so of course now I have to wait till 4 to get it all out

Walking for a cause...

I am the team captian of Steph's Chicas...my suitemates and I are walking to help find a cure and beat MS on May 2nd. It should be fun! If you wanna be a superstar and donate...follow the link :) or you can sign up to walk in your area...that would be amazing!

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/NYRWalkEvents/823399379?pg=team&fr_id=10636&team_id=163210

In Love...

Shit, I got some updating to do. 

1st- Thursday morning 7:30 AM- headed out the door to get to Rochester for my third Tysabri treatment. I was exhausted and I do not know if I was having this "drug withdrawel" that all the nurses always tell me about, but I was just bitchy. OK, I had been bitchy for a few days so maybe it really was a withdrawel, or maybe I am just a bit bored at home and my mood shows it. Anyways, it took one needle stick and my iv thingy was up and running. I turned on my Ipod and sat there for 2 hours, had no reactions, and everything went smoothly.

12:15PM- we headed out for lunch, a cool retro sandwhich/soup/salad place...and I was absoultly starving. Then we were off to B-low to see Matt Nathanson.

3ish- we made it to B-low...got lost a few times...but pretty darn successful and then we waited and waited and waited for the concert. 

By 6:30 we were standing outside wiating for the doors to open at 7 and of course I didnt bring a jacket, so I had a sweater thing and that was it...I am super smart somedays...did I mention it was snowing outside! Anyways, doors opened little before 7 and we got in, saw my cousin who was working the doors and we stood around for another hour till the show started. (I even bought a Matt Nathanson shirt...)We were about 15 feet from the stage, and the concert was amazing. Eric Hutchinson preformed first...he was amazing....I now own his cd :) . He is a cutie, and just look at some of the lyrics to this one song- You Don't Have to Believe Me

"It feels like nobody's on your side no access to your pride

you gotta learn to take control your whole body is a temple so

you've got a choice to make and your mind is what's at stake

so before we build this love please believe that you're good enough

You don't have to believe me but I'm not often wrong

they've been taking advantage and it's gone on too long

you don't have to believe me when we're dancing out on the floor

but you sure better believe me when i say you are worth much more"

 

Then I anxiously waited for Matt Nathanson...OMG it was worth the wait, worth all the anticpaction...because it was amazing. He sang some of my favorites and there was some sing alongs, and OMG thinking about it makes me smile and gives me the tingles. ( yup I am obsessed, its OK its the good obsessed).  

Well anyways at the end of the concert, Matt said that he and Eric would be signing stuff in the back...well of course I stook around for that. I have my autographed picture...and then I got a picture with him. I was sooo totally shaking and my mom went to take a pic but she couldnt figure out the camera so Matt and I were standing there and she goes "hold on, 

I gotta figure this out." So Matt says, "thats ok, we will just hold each other for a while." OMG he was so cute and so nice and so amazing and so down to earth. Did I mention cute??? ( haha I am totally smiling while I am writing this post! I am totally staring at this autographed picture on my wall, I got a frame for it today and I cant believe he signed it! And not just his name, he wrote I (heart) Stephanie

My mom asked me why I was so obsessed and in love with this guy after the concert. I thought it was funny that she asked but honestly I heard one song and loved it. But really, I listened to his stuff when I was stuck at the hospital, and then while I was home recoving, and I fell asleep so many times to his songs and his voice and no matter how upset I was or am, I can turn on my ipod and listen to him and just feel better. So me 

meeting him face to face, having his arm around me, just made my world. It was funny my mom was saying how I have been through alot and she hasent seen me that happy since before everything started. 

So I am weird though, today I bought a shadow box, I made it a scrapbook page to go in it, with 

my ticket stub, 2 pictures from the concert and the picture of the autographed picture, its coming to school with me. Looking at that box makes me smile.

...anyways...

11:30PM- went to sleep, well my mom did, I stayed up smiling and reliving my night over and over.

Friday

7:45Am- got up and got breakfest and hit the road to Pittsburgh to go to the IKEA store! We spent a few hours there and it was super cool and I wanna live in one of those stores.

7:30PM- finally home and exhausted...

Saturday- gym this morning for cardio, I went with my brother and he was busy doing lower body stuff and I couldnt leave till he left so I got stuck doing cardio for just over a hour. I actually feel good though. I had to get stuff done today like homework, shadowboxes, laundry, framing...busy busy...and I even managed to fit in time to watch Twilight...ok I like that movie alot, but I already have my favorite guy...haha I am totally lame I need a bf to occupy my free time. 

Sunday-

12:38AM- post finished haha...goodnight

Breathe and Dream

if i just breathe, i can dream...tomorrow i will be standing in the same room as Matt Nathanson. His songs have gotten me through countless nights and have soothed me to sleep. His words have filled my head and his voice calms me down.

"And it's amazing

With the look in your eyes

Like you could save me

But you won't even try

And then you tell me again

How everything will be alright"

tysabri

for those keeping track: Tysabri treatment #3 tomorrow at 9:30. I will post a little blog dedicated to that expierence Friday night or Saturday morning. 

i hope my veins are fat enough for one stick.

you cant predict the future

you cant predict the future and thats the scary part. last week when i left my education class in tears i had had a talk with my professor. he had said i had done a good job on my lesson plan and presentation in which i replied with, "i dont wanna do this." i told him that i feel like working towards being a teacher, putting all this effort in, having to go get my masters, the stress and all the ups and downs are not worth it. i explained that i should just give it up, do something else...who knows i already lost speech once, it can happen again.

he replies with his thoughts....his grandfather had ms. he knows how unpredictable it is and how hard it is on people. but no one can predict the future.

so do i attempt to predict the future, that ms will eventually most likely be my downfall, or do i live in the moment? its a risk. i dont live in the moment, people think i do. i plan everything out minute by minute. the fact that ms is unpredictable scares me, it honestly scares me to death. i dont think its far that at 20 i was diagnosed with this. i met people in their 30's who have it and they complain but they got those extra 10+ years. i want my extra years. i work hard and i am shot down.

people dont get it, i am sorry but unless you have it you dont get it. currently i feel fine, just like i did before it started. but what does that mean? i start to think maybe they were wrong, maybe its something else. doctors are wrong, its happened before.

this is supposed to be a amazing time in my life. i am supposed to be living life to the fullest, partying it up with my friends, instead i am fighting my thoughts while my body attacks itself. 

i have moments where i am overwhelmed with everything yet i fight it because i choose to stand alone...alone and strong. i know what i have to do, i know that crying and feeling bad is not going to help, i know that it wont get my anywhere so i hold back my tears and turn on some music and tune everything out. 

i often look at other disorders, other sicknesses, other problems and sometimes i wish i had something different. i wish had something that could be cured or that would just kill me. i wouldnt have to question everything. i wouldnt have to question every pain, every inconsistency, every headache....i wouldnt analyze everything. i would have my life planned out and things would run their course. 

i am 20, i have countless years ahead of me to analyze and wonder and fear the future. how is that fair? how did i go from a strong gym rat to a girl who lifts a 45 weight at the gym only to have one side of her body shake. i notice the llittle things, i notice when i slow down, when my brain skips a beat,, when i mess up a sentence, when i forgot something small, when i shake to  pick up a pencil, when i choke on my water...i notice it all. maybe others dont notice, maybe they are unaware of everything, but when the cashier at american eagle hands me a pen and i go to grab it and miss, and when i struggle to sign my name, i wonder what is crossing their minds. i feel like i would feel better if i just wore a sign some days.

but thats the thing, its some days. some days i am fine. today i am fine. today i didnt shake, today i didnt mess up stuff...today was normal. its all the days that arent normal, that i cant predict that scare me. 

you cant predict the future...and that scares me

shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit...i am leaving tomorrow for my tysabri treatment at 7:40...its in rochester so we have to drive, then after that its lunch, then off to niagra falls, and then concert at 8, and the sleep, and the friday we are off to Pittsburgh to visit Ikea. I have homework, packing, maps to study, routes to plan, places to research, fluid to drink, a shower to take,lost and the real world to watch, cleaning to be done, fuel to be put into the car...arguments to be had...frick

why wont you go away

1. i want my steroid face to go away. i am tired of hearing people say, you look good, but your cheeks are still puffy. duh , i know that, i can see that, do people think i like having this extremely round face
   
2. ummm so kinda weird and random but am pulling hair out in what seems to be large quantities...usually i'll run my fingers through my hair...and 1 or 2 strands will come out...I now average about 10-15...i get my hair cut tomorrow and there prob. wont be anything to cut
3. i want more tattoos...one makes me want two...i figure they can mark major things in my life.
4. the end. gym made me sleepy. wii fit made me angry...why do they make me fat, it just complicates things.

OMFG TATTOO

umm so yeah i wanted a tattoo since November 11th 2008. I was in the ER having my second attack and i was talking with my mom ...and by talking i mean i was writing notes on paper cause haha oh yeah i couldn't talk. but i wrote on one, "i am getting a tattoo when i get out of here " and then i drew the superman logo...

fast forward to 4 months and 4 days later: i get the superwoman/man logo tattooed on my hip. I could not be any more ecstatic. it really didnt hurt that bad. filling it in kinda hurt, but in a hour i get to take off the bandage and yeah there will be a picture posted...

-------ch ch ch chicken bone--------

oops. no gym today. but everything thing went well. but oh at fancy dinner i attempted to eat my chicken cordon bleu but of course the first bite i took i started to chew something umm crunchy and weird...so i spit it out and yeah it was a bone. lets just say i didnt wanna make a scene but i didnt really wanna eat after that. i am watching snl cause its funny. i feel scattered. i remember the infusion nurses at the clinic told me that i me that alot of people get tired and weak and stuff the weak before a transfusion for tysabri...like your body needs it, its craves it. maybe that is it...i just feel all over the place at the moment. its weird
ok well it could be the whole its kinda late and i am tired but i cant turn off snl cause miss kelly clarkson is on. and yeah her new cd is amazing. the end.

shhhhh

i am supposed to be getting ready...and instead i am blogging. whoops. umm so today we are heading to skaneateles to visit my parents friends who just moved back to this great old state. then its off to my grandparents cause its their umm 5_ something anniversary. the last didget blanks my mind at the momemt. 

but oh my gosh, i bought these mud/rain/work boots from farm and tractor that are hot pink...perfect for geocaching in a swamp or mud...haha 

i kinda forgot my tegretol last night and this morning and yeah whoops..no spasms luckily though...that could of been bad. and now i am off running. toodles 

uh uh home blows

its been a while since i posted. i have been feeling good, and rested and just myself. its weird. but then i came home today. yay spring break. no exclaimation points because after a night with my mom i am contemplating getting in my car and making a run for it. 

her and i got in a argument during dinner because she is insane and thinks that she must be at my next neuro appointment because she has been at every other one. 

1st off. all but two of the times i saw my neuro guy  i was laying in a hospital bed. the other two i could function because i had spasms or was too  tired to drive the 90 miles to the clinic. so yeah she had to come.

2nd off. i am 20. twenty. like a twenty dollar bill i stand alone. i can handle this, because i handle lots on my own. the fun thing about being over 18 is that if i say she cant come with me...she really cant. yeah it bothers her, but i will tell her the important stuff if need be. 

so yeah i am kinda like 1/4 bitch, 3/4 jerk but guess what i like it and she can learn to deal.my dad respects it so she should learn how to. i definitely dont need my mommy every day of the week. 

she treats me like i am five. thats what she gets. oh well. bed and gym at 8. yup 8, my bro and i are going. sweet. i <3>

do you...twitter?

ooh geeze, i now twitter...thanks mr. p diddy or mr. combs or mr. sean john or whatever your name really is... thats what i get for taking a break to watch ellen during my studying...

p.s- if you really wanna find me at twitter you totally can... my username is stephslifeblog...yup real creative...maybe someday i will be creative. now i have one minute till i study again. 

umm

if i become a teacher how long do i get to teach?

do i get to teach till i am old and grey?

do i get to teach until i decide i wanna be lets say a principle?

or do i get to teach until my ms acts up and i am forced into leaving way before i ever wanted to?

yeah those are the thoughts that i had during my 45 min lesson plan, mock teaching thing to a class. so i was a bit distracted.

and haha oh i left the class in tears.

the end.

btw i finally finished observations, so no more 6am wake up calls on tuesdays and thursdays...thank god

omg look at her baggy eyelids

i tossed and turned all night.  i haven't been able to just fall asleep and stay asleep, which sucks...and last night was especially bad cause i spent way to much time staring at the ceiling which has lead to BAGGY EYELIDS. i hope its baggy eyelids....maybe i punched myself in a attempt to keep me asleep...who knows...

random

11 days till i see matt nathanson live

100 days till i see The Fray live

148 days till my mom drags me to the dave matthews concert

i wonder what else i can get her to go see...

oh my oh my

my day can be described in a few key terms,short, boring, FTF and sweaty. I guess I will elaborate.

short- umm today we lost a hour...someone please explain to me why we must loose and gain a hour every couple of months...all it does is make me angry.

boring- lesson plan from 12-2...4-5...but oh its done

FTF- umm head over to geocaching.com for a full explanation but basically you go into the woods with a gps and locate some kind of container with coordinates that you get off of geocaching.com. someone hides the cache and then people find it. yes sir, its that simple. but today was special, steph and i got a FTF- first to find. the cache was posted at like 1:30 and we were outta of dorm and wandering through the woods shortly after. a few close calls by running into muggles but alas we got their at 2:10 and grabbed that sucker. 

sweaty- oh yeah the gym was a sweat fest...i would like to think that i totally conquered the gym, but truth is that it kicked and conquered my ass...but really mr. gym, feel free to conquer my ass anytime...my jeans sure would fit better

where did saturday go

oh where oh where did my saturday go? 

its not under my bed, or hiding under the sheets...its not in the closet or in the bathtub...

oh yeah my lesson plan ate it!

my lesson plan for my business methods class has consumed my saturday, from 12:30PM-well 9:30PM and yeah its not done...i have to present it to my class ( which is 6 grad students) on monday. *gulps*

i am watching a 48 hours mini mystery... i am really really kinda terrified...and i so dont wanna blog

this shoulda been yesterdays post

turning down the wrong way on a one way street to get inside a parking garage........dangerous

not being signed up for a volunteering......ridiculous

having the same job from 8-5:30 timing kids every 10 minutes......brain numbing

getting stuck in the parking garage leaving cause i dont have a master/visa card and the machine didnt take cash........terrifying

having to find a random garage pay center after driving backwards up the wrong way in the garage..........dangerous

finally getting out and getting lost........bullshit

getting a letter from the commissioner of deca for my portfolio will be.......................priceless

its fa la la wednesday

i woke up this morning feel horrible. i listened to coldplay last night when i fell asleep and had it on repeat all night so who knows what it did to my brain. i love coldplay but i can only listen to it when i am in a bad mood. so yeah its playing right now.

in my classes today i had this weird urge to blog and just cry. i could imagine myself blogging and pouring everything out. but instead i will do what i do best, just hold it all in. actually the last time i actually shed a tear was during the curious case of benjamin button. 

it was weird cause i really could see myself on my bed with my laptop and a box of tissues just letting it all out. my eyes feel like the will release their flood gates at any moment but it is like all i have to do is give them a push and i cant. so i sit here totally with dry eyes.

my two suite mates are in the background shrieking at american idol. i dont know someone must be amazing or hot. my roommate is sitting across me, staring at me while i pretend to write a email so she wont ask questions. it amazes me how good of a liar i am.

coldplay really makes me want to cry. the lyrics to their music all smashed and smushed together in my head created this massive coldplay song that hit on every lyric i find to be sad or depressing and my mind just dug those thoughts so far in to the point where it hurt.

somedays i dont know what to say aloud even though i know exactly what i want to. i am the best at acting like i have no idea just cause i know the other person wouldnt or doesnt wanna hear it. some times i think i do it to protect the other person. i think its just to protect me.

i wish that i had a time machine. i want to skip tomorrow. tomorrow is gonna be too long and too much stimulation. i hate when i am in over stimulated situations, i freeze up and just wanna combust. tomorrow i will want that self combust button.

what is tomorrow you ask? well, its the state DECA competition, duh. i am working it or something because my co-op teacher that i observe wants me to go. so i will and i will hate it and i will network and wanna freak out. 8 hours of torture. 

i am feeling a bit obsessive compulsive during this post, each paragraph must have 4 lines max and no less than three...i did have one above and i had to change it which took alot of work readjusting. coldplay is a good band, well not good, amazing.

by the way- i keep finding myself tripping up, i dont know if i am just having an off day but when i would walk through campus i would trip a few times to class. it was weird cause i would always catch myself but it kept happening.

i have also had a headache. at least i havent had any nose bleeds cause then i would be worried that i should really be a character on LOST. ok i have to admit i love that show. sawyer is really really amazing hot.

sorry for the randomness, but i feel jumbled inside so therefore this post needs to feel jumbled. shit i need another line, anyways i am hoping there will be another ms group meeting sometime soon and hopefully when i am not on spring break. i need one.

tuesdays suck

tuesdays suck. i spent 7 hours in high school. 7 hours, 9 periods. it sucked. i randomly woke up at 4am this morning. tossed and turned for a good half a hour.

"ugh i have 1 hr and 50 mins"

"fuck i have 1hr and a 1/2 till i have to get up"

thats all that i could think, which probably made it worse. i just couldnt stop thinking. it sucked and when i got back this afternoon i watched matt nathansn on ellen <3.> game. all i wanna do is sleep.

on a ms note- i hurt....like physically hurt. my knees are on fire. literally on fire. i could cry if i remembered how

fml

FML

i am sad. so bed it is

on thin ice

i had an amazing blog planned for today. really i did. the sad part is that i did not write down anything to help me remember what to blog about so instead of writing some amazing blog, i am sitting here trying to think of something to write about.

during entrepreneurship my teacher was standing right next to me and he asked why are harleys? and no one spoke, i kinda just whispered quietly, they are loud and nosey, he looked down and looked surprised and he goes, "ok, what else steph?" so i responded with well its a status thing and he and the rest of the class were all surprised that i knew something about motorcycles...

today was my super super long day which was actually ok. i made it through all my classes and actually was able to shock my consumer behavior class and professor because apparently no one assumes that someone who looks young and innocent and so you know not so biker like. I thought it was a bit fun to kinda break peoples impressions of me.

i also had night class and i actually stepped in and participated. i soo hate participating but the adults in my class ( btw they are all real adults like 28years old +) were so stupid and obnoxious. when the question, would you kill a person if they were breaking into you house to steal your possessions even if they were not going to kill you? I was the only one in the class (which is like 7 people) to say no. yeah i would not like invite someone to take my stuff, but honestly is killing someone worth a tv...my dad, who is a fireman, always tells my brother and i one thing about fires and firefighting, you can always replace your stuff...but you can never replace your family and you can never be replaced.

despite the really good day, i have the feel that i am bound to crash soon. i am insanely antsy, i am easily frustrated, i just make people mad at me or i get mad at them so i dont have to talk. i am stuck talking to my roommate cause well i live with her 24/7 but honestly all i wanna do is curl up and sleep or cry or eat ice cream and watch sad movies...i get into that funk where its easier to cut off from anyone and everyone than deal with stuff. the kinda of feeling where all you wanna do is get in your car and drive. the kinda where i honestly could get mad at someone if they looked at me the wrong way. some kinda of unhealthy destructive way. i have lost two best friends to this. i wish i came with a warning that said: caution i do and will make you hate me or that i will get you made at me or that i will hate you and that you shouldnt walk away cause i need you even though i dont say it.  i am just the kinda of person that gets freaked out when i get close to some to someone, so i need space and then i will bounce back to normal...i usually always do. except if you decide to hate me...well then that always sucks

but currently i am skating on thin ice...on the verge or some breakdown...i can only play it cool for so long...

and I am 5 years old again...

since it has been siblings weekend i have been stuck with my roommates brother. he is a freshman in high school and i dont know what his deal is but it is like one of those he really likes to pick on me, which leads my roommate to think that he likes me and so my roommate gets made cause he only wants to do stuff with me. i find it funny cause i think of him as a brother...

the good thing is that i take out stress on my brother by using him as a punching bag, so my roommates brother is also used at a punching bag...

today i tagged along with my roommate and her family to go to the RMSC. its fun cause theres all these sweet things to do and basically when you are there you feel like you are five again. the bad part was we had planned to spend like 2 hours there and that quickly turned into 4 1/2. whoops! i spent the rest of tonight doing the rest of my homework.

i think that i am getting sick. i have slept way to much and have had a sore throat and swollen glands. i dont need sickness now, i have a full week this week. 5 classes tomorrow, full day at high school tuesday, 4 classes wednesday, full day at a DECA competition thursday and a billion homework assignments due friday. i am a bit over stressed so i doubt that really helps...oh and somewhere in there i need to maybe schedule some clinic time because my dizziness has not really gone away...or maybe its sick realated...