he replies with his thoughts....his grandfather had ms. he knows how unpredictable it is and how hard it is on people. but no one can predict the future.
so do i attempt to predict the future, that ms will eventually most likely be my downfall, or do i live in the moment? its a risk. i dont live in the moment, people think i do. i plan everything out minute by minute. the fact that ms is unpredictable scares me, it honestly scares me to death. i dont think its far that at 20 i was diagnosed with this. i met people in their 30's who have it and they complain but they got those extra 10+ years. i want my extra years. i work hard and i am shot down.
people dont get it, i am sorry but unless you have it you dont get it. currently i feel fine, just like i did before it started. but what does that mean? i start to think maybe they were wrong, maybe its something else. doctors are wrong, its happened before.
this is supposed to be a amazing time in my life. i am supposed to be living life to the fullest, partying it up with my friends, instead i am fighting my thoughts while my body attacks itself.
i have moments where i am overwhelmed with everything yet i fight it because i choose to stand alone...alone and strong. i know what i have to do, i know that crying and feeling bad is not going to help, i know that it wont get my anywhere so i hold back my tears and turn on some music and tune everything out.
i often look at other disorders, other sicknesses, other problems and sometimes i wish i had something different. i wish had something that could be cured or that would just kill me. i wouldnt have to question everything. i wouldnt have to question every pain, every inconsistency, every headache....i wouldnt analyze everything. i would have my life planned out and things would run their course.
i am 20, i have countless years ahead of me to analyze and wonder and fear the future. how is that fair? how did i go from a strong gym rat to a girl who lifts a 45 weight at the gym only to have one side of her body shake. i notice the llittle things, i notice when i slow down, when my brain skips a beat,, when i mess up a sentence, when i forgot something small, when i shake to pick up a pencil, when i choke on my water...i notice it all. maybe others dont notice, maybe they are unaware of everything, but when the cashier at american eagle hands me a pen and i go to grab it and miss, and when i struggle to sign my name, i wonder what is crossing their minds. i feel like i would feel better if i just wore a sign some days.
but thats the thing, its some days. some days i am fine. today i am fine. today i didnt shake, today i didnt mess up stuff...today was normal. its all the days that arent normal, that i cant predict that scare me.
you cant predict the future...and that scares me