Wednesday, March 18

you cant predict the future

you cant predict the future and thats the scary part. last week when i left my education class in tears i had had a talk with my professor. he had said i had done a good job on my lesson plan and presentation in which i replied with, "i dont wanna do this." i told him that i feel like working towards being a teacher, putting all this effort in, having to go get my masters, the stress and all the ups and downs are not worth it. i explained that i should just give it up, do something else...who knows i already lost speech once, it can happen again.

he replies with his thoughts....his grandfather had ms. he knows how unpredictable it is and how hard it is on people. but no one can predict the future.

so do i attempt to predict the future, that ms will eventually most likely be my downfall, or do i live in the moment? its a risk. i dont live in the moment, people think i do. i plan everything out minute by minute. the fact that ms is unpredictable scares me, it honestly scares me to death. i dont think its far that at 20 i was diagnosed with this. i met people in their 30's who have it and they complain but they got those extra 10+ years. i want my extra years. i work hard and i am shot down.

people dont get it, i am sorry but unless you have it you dont get it. currently i feel fine, just like i did before it started. but what does that mean? i start to think maybe they were wrong, maybe its something else. doctors are wrong, its happened before.

this is supposed to be a amazing time in my life. i am supposed to be living life to the fullest, partying it up with my friends, instead i am fighting my thoughts while my body attacks itself. 

i have moments where i am overwhelmed with everything yet i fight it because i choose to stand alone...alone and strong. i know what i have to do, i know that crying and feeling bad is not going to help, i know that it wont get my anywhere so i hold back my tears and turn on some music and tune everything out. 

i often look at other disorders, other sicknesses, other problems and sometimes i wish i had something different. i wish had something that could be cured or that would just kill me. i wouldnt have to question everything. i wouldnt have to question every pain, every inconsistency, every headache....i wouldnt analyze everything. i would have my life planned out and things would run their course. 

i am 20, i have countless years ahead of me to analyze and wonder and fear the future. how is that fair? how did i go from a strong gym rat to a girl who lifts a 45 weight at the gym only to have one side of her body shake. i notice the llittle things, i notice when i slow down, when my brain skips a beat,, when i mess up a sentence, when i forgot something small, when i shake to  pick up a pencil, when i choke on my water...i notice it all. maybe others dont notice, maybe they are unaware of everything, but when the cashier at american eagle hands me a pen and i go to grab it and miss, and when i struggle to sign my name, i wonder what is crossing their minds. i feel like i would feel better if i just wore a sign some days.

but thats the thing, its some days. some days i am fine. today i am fine. today i didnt shake, today i didnt mess up was normal. its all the days that arent normal, that i cant predict that scare me. 

you cant predict the future...and that scares me

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