tis friday

some days i am in such a weird mood where all i can do is laugh. i have laughed almost all day...my entrepreneurship teacher ( who is about 70 ish) was discussing various businesses and he mentioned the massage business and how it can be a franchise...and then he said, " you all know the therapeutic massages, not the sexual kind. OMG i wanted to die laughing. my roommate and i have been saying the randomist things all day and its seriously hilarious

tomorrow i am heading out with my roommate to rome...well not italy but as in rome, ny. it is her families Christmas party and i get to tag along. i am super stoked. sorry for the short blog, i drank pepsi and it was not caffeine free and now i am bouncing off the walls and i am super distracted by everything and well...everything.

today sucked. i woke up feeling horrible. you would think after getting 9 hours of sleep i would feel rested and amazing. i woke up tired. around 11 i headed out to the craft store. my mission for the day was to build a bulletin board. however, when i got to my car i realized heading to the craft store would not be easy. my car (which really is a durango) had about a half a foot of snow covering it and was also plowed in by my friend, the plow man.  

it took me a good 20 minutes to get all the snow off my car and of course by then i was freezing. so i sat in the car to warm up and this ass hole was waiting for my spot...just waiting and because i was in a shitty mood i decided to send some texts and wait a extra five minutes. now of course at the craft store, i ran into a dead end with the bulletin board. apparently they dont sell table clothes or borders any time other than the fall. so i big sheets of black paper, and construction paper to make my own border out of stars. i headed back to school to start construction on this awful project.

when i was cutting out my border i realized my tremors were worse than normal. i dont know if it is because i dont feel well or what but they made it alot harder to do everything today. luckily though after about 3 hours, i finished my bulletin board which means i have way less homework this weekend. 

i really think a part of ms is a increase of swearing...i swear so much its contagious. my roommate has caught it and i am trying to stop, but for some reason swearing realizes some of the stress in my life. people do not get why i always have music on in my room or i will always have my ipod with me but really i have a good reason for this, music is a total de-stresser in my life. i feel like i can relate to music, i feel connected to it, it distracts me and puts me at ease. without it i would probably goes crazy...

another part of ms i am starting to realize is how affected i am by heat. when its cold outside and i am all bundle up and go indoors, like a store or class, i realize that i have alot harder time functioning. its weird, i start to feel like i cant breathe and then my tremors increase and then i just feel exhausted. it completely sucks...and i am rather terrified for the heat in the summer...

otherwise my mind is distracted and finishing this blog is rather difficult, especially because i have alot more to say...maybe later

hey there old face...

It is day two of know steroids and i am starting to see my old face again. i am guessing that within a week i will get it all back. last night i kept waking up remembering things i had to do. i hate when that happens because i never remember in the morning so i get up when it happens, usually stumbling out of bed and knocking my stuff over and looking through the piles of stuff on my desk until i find exactly what i am looking for. my poor roommate probably thinks i am absolutely insane ( which i am about 90% of the time) but she puts up with the late night wanderings. this is most likely because she does the exact same thing in the mornings.

i am feeling better but that may have something to do with the fact that i bought matt nathanson tickets today. i really am obsessed and i couldnt be happier...but really i trudge to class like a zombie. today when i was walking outside through the snow, i noticed how quiet everything is when it snows. the blinding whit and the quiet put me in this weird trance where i just felt at ease and like time had stood still. it was amazing...it makes me rethink my need and want to move away from this place...

i have a course some lyrics that reflect what i am sorta kinda feeling...i am tired of being a zombie...

I wanna feel the car crash

I wanna feel the capsize

I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop

'Til I'm satisfied

I wanna feel the car crash

'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside

I wanna let go and know

That I'll be alright, alright

-Matt Nathanson-Car Crash

I think i have a problem, because i really love matt nathanson...his cd's are the only thing in my car, his songs rotate through my ipod every night when i sleep and one of his songs is the ringtone on my phone...i promise though i am not a stalker, i just found something that fits me..i somehow just feel better when i am listening...i am sure when i see him live it will be amazing...

facebook makes me angry. i hate that i am friends with my enemies. i hate that my enemies best friend used to be my best friend. i hate seeing the messages that they leave each other...i hate seeing status changes...i hate it all...i hate facebook...i hate that i am so paranoid that i can easily convince myself that my enemy is posting shit just to make me feel horrible. i think she knows that it woks...she plays off of my weaknesses and uses them to her full advantage...honestly i wish she walked just one day in my shoes, she so wouldnt last 10 minutes.

supposedly prince harry's girlfriend broke up with him through facebooks status's...facebook is reallly getting to be to power.

thank god for this blog, without it i could never un-wind at night

thank god for benidryl, without it i could never get a full nights sleep

thank god for 4 wheel drive, without it i will not be able to get out of my parking space in the morning

thank god for my true friends, without them i would go insane 

thank god for my ipod, without it i would never be able to listen to matt nathanson while i sleep

thank god for sweats, without them i would feel fat

thank god for steroids, without them lesions would continue to take over my brain

thank god for the office, without it i would have no reason to make it through the week

Please read mr. plowman

Dear Mr. Plow Man,

Please do not throw snow at our windows tomorrow morning with your plow contraption. Its startling, and loud and seriously who is awake at 7AM. Please try and plow the sidewalks at a more normal hour so that I can walk to class without being shin deep in snow. While I love playing in snow, I hate...really hate wet sweat pants/jeans.

Thank you in advance,

Steph

omg...omg...omg...

Dear Mr. Matt Nathanson,

You have made me the happiest college student because you are going to be playing in NY...my roommates think I have lost it...but really I am just super excited. I can't wait for March 19th!

See you in March...

breathe

every once in a while i find myself freaking out about things that wont even effect me for days, weeks or months. i know that i cant let my fear of the future control my present. i tell myself this, i even listen to this one song, breathe by fabolous. its like i have to stop, breathe and just put my mind on track to what i need to accomplish today. i know my future is all jumbled for now, i wish i had it mapped out perfectly because that would be perfect. i wish i had all my plans laid out, job, career, husband, kids...ect...i wish i had a short cut button so i could skip all the unknown in the future that causes my freakouts. 

its funny because all my relatives always told me how college would be the best experience of my life...they all seem to have backtracked now and they now say that life after college is the best. i find it amusing because i look at my college experience thus far and see how life really is, difficult, intimidating and full of surprises...

i hate surprises. i dont ever want a surprise birthday party. i am someone who will plan every part of my day and i hate rolling with the punches. however, i have gotten better at it recently. i take a deep breathe and continue on and think to myself, can it really get much worse...

can it really get much worse?

i think i'll go to boston...

today i had a meeting at 9am the business teacher i will be working with this semester. it went really well, and i got alot of useless but some how important information thrown at me. after that i bought a new pair of shoes, that are backless, this should get rid of the blister situation on my heals...plus, shopping is always fun

my roommate and i were talking last night at idk 12:30am...we were discussing our favorite features in guys...i usually have lots of favorites in this topic but recently i have been in a rut...it is no fun, i realized i havent even looked at a guy with more than a "ugh you're in my way...MOVE" attitude. lets hope i get my spark back...

so i received a email back from the ms support group kinda thing. it turns out there is one called 20's and 30's somethings and it meets once a month...it should be interesting if i go. i hate being at the youngest age of everything. i always feel like i am a bit outta place and really how much do i have in common with a person in the 30's...and i kinda think i do not relate to people very well...i am super awkward recently and when people talk to me i usually kinda respond with a yes, no or maybe or a smile and a frown and hope that the conversation ends. i miss being super perky and totally random...hopefully it comes back sometime soon, i miss it

so there is this song called boston by augustana and i think it is perfectly amazing and its totally on my ipod...but here is a tid-bit of it that kinda suits me well very nicely...

I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah

its monday...but dont forget the fortune cookies!

its Monday night, i woke up reluctantly at 9:45. I dont understand how I can go to bed at 12, be asleep by 12:30-1ish and still be incredibly tired at 9:15 when my alarm clock goes off...I really love snooze buttons though...but I was totally my OMG OMG OMG I am finally taking my last steroids dance...I have been on them steadily since Oct and I can say that I am thrilled that now my chipmunk cheeks will start shrinking soon! I will not miss the funky moods, the insane hunger and the horrible horrible chipmunk cheeks...

So before lunch I have two 50 minute classes, I like to think of this as my warm up for the day. Then theres lunch and then I have a 50 minute class, and then a 1 hr and 15 minute class and then a 2 hr and 30 minute class, all in a row with a 5-15 minute break inbetween. It seriously sucks. The good news is that last class for education ( the 2 1/2 hr class) I  received a set of notes. So instead of taking like 4-6 pages front and back of notes and becoming exhausted I just follow along with the instructor. It made my life so much easier, and I was definitely less exhausted after that.

I actually had enough energy to go to the gym and spend some time on the bike, it was kinda cool to not be so exhausted for once.  However, I am totally feeling the effects of the long day and I will probably be out cold tonight which will be good, especially because I have a meeting with a business teacher tomorrow at 9. I will be observing his classroom and this is the "get to know you" meeting. I am just sad its early and its like a 22 minute drive according to google maps. 

I dont know why I decided to actually capitalize things today. I just found myself subconsciously doing it. It was Chinese New Year in the dining hall...and I ate lots and lots of fortune cookies, and did not find any good fortunes...it was rather disappointing. 

I love that I could keep writing and writing but I am really just avoiding the thing that is bothering me the most. My mother is driving me insane. I understand that she worrys, I get it...but she calls, she texts, she IM's all the time, all day. She wakes me up in the morning, she texts me in my classes, she calls during my breaks and she wonders why I get aggravated. My dad understands that I am 20, that I can handle stuff on my own and that I can and should be allowed to do my own thing without being bugged every ten seconds. I call him when I need or when I want to talk. He has no problem with that because he knows that I will call him when I need to. My mother has yet to understand that concept, so if I dont call or answer her texts in a reasonable time she is ready to send a search party out.  Its frustrating and I just wanna be able to do my own thing...I kinda think the quote from O.A.R's Shattered fits me rather well...

How many times can I break till I shatter? 
Over the line can't define what I'm after 
I always turn the car around 
Give me a break let me make my own pattern 
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered 
I always turn the car around

-insert title here-

its not that i dont care...its more of a "i dont give a damn" attitude. i was watching mtv true life were people were addicted to perspiration pills and all they do is complain and shit...but umm didnt they choose to take the pills... i am pretty sure no one crushed them up and snorted them for them...

i hate that people complain so much for things that they can change. i would love to give up ms...

one of my suite mates was talking about her vitamin d deficiency last night. after my first attack, she had like symptoms that kinda pointed at mono. her parents took her to the er one day..and she didnt make it past the first room...she was turned away and given some sleeping pills. turns out she had a vitiamin d deficiency. so she has to take a pill, get some sun and drink some milk or eat some cheese for a few months...well its been a few months and i had to here all about her story again last night and all i could think in my head was " ughhh are you seriously telling me this...me, the girl who spent a total of over 3 weeks in the hospital...me, the girl that actually has a lifelong disease...wtf..."

but then i started to think that i am a horrible person because obviously she doesnt understand and i should have a bit understanding because i should understand that being sick sucks...but i kinda think i am a bit self centered...a bit bitching and a bit too "i dont give a damn"

a stitch is sticking out of my neck, its itches and its gross...but i am too of a wimp to pull it out

5 classes tomorrow...better rest up...

Cause all I say,

It doesn't matter anyway.

All I say,

It doesn't matter anyway.

I'm giving up,

So call my bluff.

Cause I just need to be reminded who I am.

I'm falling apart.

~matt nathanson...falling apart

...i pulled out the yellow flyer that i ever so strategically buried in my desk tonight...i pulled it out, unfolded it and sent a email to the contact person on it...

so the group is called: young adults with MS self help group...

i guess i am scared to go to a meeting or something and meet all these people who all have the same thing...i dont know if i wanna talk about it...a

as much as i wanna pretend that this is a nightmare and i will wake up back to normal, i cant and i hate that...

ugh...nights alone at school suck...i am sure i will regret pulling out the flyer in the morning...

i mean, self help...ugh..in like 10 years i will so need therapy because i may explode from all that is stuck in my head

a homewrecker and frusteration

i guess i cant just get in my car and drive. i did that earlier, i ended up at Moes getting dinner (homewrecker = a super amazing giant burrito) but i realized it would be wise to fill up my gas tank....ooh but think again...i stood at my car attmpting to open the gas tank, yup it was impossible...guess i am stuck here for now...i hate cold

trapped in a box

i am trapped in a box filled with appointments.

appointments have filled up my calander.

i feel like i am a dog on a chain hooked to a poll in a backyear... i can only travel so far before the chain snaps me back here...

saturday and a bowl filled with cocoa puffs

i feel numb to everything around me. i feel as if everyday is the same. i am just walking through life numb to everything around me. i kinda like pain cause at least i know i am not numb to everything. in the past few months things have changed so much that i think it overwhelmed me to the point of where i cant handle anymore. i wonder if i have accepted everything in my life and most days i think yeah, i totally accept it all but when it comes time to talk about it, i cant...

i feel alone and it could easily be my fault. i dont let people in, nor do i believe i should. i dont need to tell people what i feel or what i am thinking because they dont get it. i have shut out my friends, my family and i put a fake smile on my face and pretend that its all ok.

somedays it is ok...others i just feel like i really need a good burrito and a couple of drinks...

that flyer is still in my desk...if i take it out and pursue it, it means things are real and i need to deal...maybe i am not ready to deal...

cold fish and blah blah blah...

there is a flyer in my desk, its in the top drawer, its bright orange/yellowish. its folded in half and then in half again. i got it yesterday and have read it over once, twice...i have pulled it out of my desk and debated whether i should look into it further. its now buried in that drawer...maybe i'll look into it tomorrow...

i got hit by a bus...yeah...thats a lie...but i think if i were to get hit by a bus i would feel about the same as i do now. every muscle hurts, everything cracks when i move and yeah maybe its the flu or its just side effects from the tysabri. blah blah blah

the dining hall caught on fire...well, not really but the smoke from the food burning on the grill could have easily resembled a big fire. the fire trucks came and we waited forever for everything to be cleared so we could eat...

but finally the best part...NEW PHONE...yup i got the samsung propel. i love it because: 1) it has a key board so texting is kinda way easier. 2) its a slide, so opening it is seriously easy and 3) i can use it one handed so my increased tremors/shaking on my right side doesn't drive me as much as it did with my old phone.

that damn flyer, i think my brain is obsessed with it... i would assume i should tell what the flyer is about...maybe another time...

garbage plate and ooh yeah alittle bit of tysabri

well today was my first tysabri treatment. my arm is puffy from the iv site. i think i had a allergic reaction to the tape stuff they put on your iv to make sure it stays in. i think everything went well. 2 hours of boredom while other patients getting treatments in the same room complained about everything under the sun. i messed up my ipod and somehow only ended up with one cd in it...but luckily it was matt nathanson...and it was the live on, and during his dialogues i couldn't help but laugh. laugh out loud of course...so the other people around me rolled there eyes and i just stared off and pretended like i didnt really laugh. 

after i was done with the transfusion and the 1 hr waiting time after i headed out with my parents to a bakery and got a cupcake and chocolate milk. then it was back to hospital stuff...mri with contrast, which always is super fun because for some strange reason i love closed mri's( the ones where you get shoved into a tube). apparently i have no chlosterphobic fears...i kinda think i would love sleeping in one of those tubes every night. finally after being at the hospital from 9-2 i was free to leave.

then the best part...GARBAGE PLATES...yes i said garbage plates, you know trash on a plate...j/k but mine featured mac salad and home fries covered in cheese burgers topped with meat sauce..

.. simply amazing...

now back at school, finished my studying and i will say i am wiped out. i am seriously exhausted... my arm hurts and looks nasty...but overall it went well, no real serious complaints...

cinnamon streusel and ugh ugh ugh people

i think that some days people are there just as a annoyance factor. i woke up this morning and didnt wanna get out of bed...but never the less i did. i got all ready and went to class and the monthly blood drive was taking place on campus. of course i almost get hit by the blood drive truck. sooo mr blood truck driver man with the black hat i would like to remind you that pedestrians have the right of way.

after lunch i was walking to class. i purposely leave early to this class because it is far away and i like to take my time walking.its also nice and quiet and i kinda like it mid-day. anyways as i was walking i noticed someone behind me, like freakishly close following me, like i was blocking the wind for her...her boots where noisy and i wanted to turn around and hit her. so i slowed down, figuring if i walked slower she would pass me...but no! she didnt, i swear she wanted to drive me insane...luckily i dropped my keys. when i went to pick them up she passed me and i noticed her outfit! my picture...umm well obviously does not do her outfit justice, the hot pink rain snow boots, her  pants tucked into her black tight pants...the bright orange striped winter jacket and the blue hat. so maybe she was following so close hopping no one would see her.

if the girl wasent bad enough, about a hour later i ran into my next problem. consumer behavior is a cool class but i have had to get a different seat every class so far because one kid- the same freaken kid, steals my seat every class. the kicker is that the first time he did it, i choose another seat. well he took that seat the next class. then i got a new seat and of course he stole that and today i walked into class only to find out he took my seat from last time. its driving me insane...

i realized today that the tremors on my right side are getting more noticeable. when i go to grab my pencil my whole hand shakes like crazy...when i eat, my fork shakes like crazy and when i go to take a sip of my drink its super evident. i wonder if its from the decrease in prednisone or what not...it could be from being tired or something, but i have made sure to get enough sleep. which brings me to the last thing; you think two benadryls would be enough to knock out anyone till morning. well, it used to be plenty for me but for the past few days i have been waking up in the middle of the night wide awake...all i can say is thank god for ipods...

one last super exciting thing- i bought a new cd on itunes last night- matt nathanson- at the point- live. its super amazing like all his other stuff...and yes like my roommate has informed, i am completely, utterly addicted to matt nathanson, she also like to roll her eyes when i tell her what i am listening to...i wonder what thats about...

lots of chocolates and a few frustrations

as my roommate would say, happy new president day!...i actually watched the inauguration, mainly cause nothing else was on...but it is cool to have someone that i voted for win..

so i am super frustrated with lots of things and i cant pinpoint a source...oh wait...i can, can you say ms. its weird i dont sound like myself, i think like myself but every since nov when i lost my voice from ms for a weekish plus, i dont sound the same. i miss my own sound in my head...like alot, i hate talking cause i dont know who it is talking. 

i hate the new walk i have. its frustrating to go from once playing soccer, running and working out to a couch potato plagued with fatigue and operating glitches. you have no idea how frustrating it is to be in class and get up to head to the bathroom and have a glitch that makes you stop and just stand their till your body catches up with your now screaming thoughts of "omfg move!... fuck people are staring"

no one in my classes really knows whats wrong, people in my majors classes know i was out of school last semester, that i came back with chipmunk cheeks and my writing has changes, my talking has glitches and all my movements are just a bit off. 

i have this fear in the back of my mind that everyone can tell something is up...paranoia i know...my roommate and i walk into the dining hall and people stare...i know i am insane and they arent starting but when i go to grab my keys from the swiper lady and my arm starts shaking and i miss my keys as they are handed back to me, and my balance gets super funky as i go to pick them up, i just know that if i was in the room i would so be staring at me.

i have been reading some other peoples blogs and have noticed that after some tysabri treatments some of their symptoms of ms improve. how sweet would that be if my symptoms got better...however i will not get excited because i dont want a let down, let downs blow. 

tomorrow i have four classes and it pushes my fatigue level to the max. fatigue kicks my ass...i think i am seeing it more now then i ever thought i would have. after like ten hours of sleep i woke up exhausted. no one really gets it, i wish they did. how can you really explain to people that even if i ingested all the caffeine in the world i would still feel like i ran a marathon? i am kinda debating whether a drug could decrease the amount of fatigue i have but i hate drug side effects. 

one more complaint...observations for student teaching...my cooperating teacher wants to meet at nine am next tuesday, my day off...its not like the freaking school is next door, i haven't seen nine am since umm like december, nor did i ever plan on seeing nine am again...

and omg too much matt nathanson...i love the song all we are.

"In the end,

the words won't matter. No.
'cause in the end,
Nothing stays the same.
In the end dreams just scatter
and fall like rain."

apple spice and a ugh kinda day

i didn’t realize how hard some things would be. for instance taking notes in my education class. it doesn’t help that is at a grad level, with 6 other grad students and then me, still a undergrad. the fact that the class is 4-6:40 does not fall in its favor either. before that class i have 4 other classes, making mondays miserable. the worst part was that all we basically did was take notes, and more notes until i had a solid 5 or 6 pages front and back. as the note taking went on i progressively got more tired and tired, and more frustrated that my writing ability diminished...and so i got frustrated. i tried to talk to the professor after but the words didnt come out like i wanted and i think my frustration did. i did get a email from the professor this morning and he said he would provide me with notes for the remaining classes. i just dont think people get it, i wish they did, i know the cant or wont even comprehend it like i want them to but i feel like i am in my own little world sometimes, just disconnected from it all.   the good news is that i kinda like this blogging thing. i had tried it in the past but it didnt work out, but i actually look forward to it and thats exciting. i was listening to matt nathanson again...yeah i am addicted but i love his music..but anyways i thought these lyrics   (sad song, matt nathanson) framed my train of thought for whats going on... 

"I feel so faded, so far gone..

Nothing surprises me anymore..

So faded, so far gone…

Nothing surprises me anymore.

So much better than all this, all this..

Tired of singing sad songs in my head,

But I can’t find enough of anything to drown out what you said.

And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in,

I’m so tired of singing the sad songs in my head. 

Sad songs in my head…"

cheese cubes and feeling funky

how do you explain a funky feeling...umm i cant but i do feel funky. funky as in out of the ordinary. but is it just my mind over reacting. the last two times i felt "funky" i ended up in the hospital. this morning i woke up with a prevalent tremor in my right hand and an overall more difficult time controlling my muscles. even typing now is shaky and my fingers just dont want to work like they are supposed to. it did make taking notes in accounting pretty much impossible...

but the question remains, how do i know if what i am describing is a side effect of the anti-spasm meds, prednisone, or i am just paranoid?

four classes today and i ask the question...do my doctors really believe i can be stress free in college because i have just over 6 hours of classes today...thats pretty ding dang darn stressful.

i think this may be a good way to reduce stress...or at least it gives me a reason to do something on my computer besides homework...like for now i am eating cheese cubes in front of the tv all while balancing my laptop on the edge of my bed and trying to finish this post before lunch...

~ciao

hot chocolate and a introduction

hi. my name is stephanie and i am a junior in college in upstate ny. its cold and snowy but i love it here and wouldnt move to somewhere even if you paid me a million bucks. my friends are all here, as well as my family that is about a hour away. i am a business and marketing education major who is buried in homework about 97% of the time. this week is a bit different than most weeks because i start my Tysabri treatment for my MS. 

last oct. i had full right sided numbness on half my body and thats when i found out i had ms.

last nov. i was driving from my house to school and about halfway i could no longer sing along with the radio...after arriving back at school i had no ability to talk, my balance was way off and it was rather hard to swallow. two and a half weeks in the hospital, four plasma exchanges later everything started coming back. since then i have been on the oh so wonderful but oh so dreaded prednisone and i have recovered quite well. 

like i said though i start my first ms treatment ever thursday morning. i will also be having a baseline mri taken.

since it is super cold here i thought a cup of hot chocolate would motivate me alittle more to get this started. i always wanted to but i get super distracted or super moody. i deserve to have my moments like anyone else but if not more because i think about the 2000 other students at my school who didnt get ms. as much as i would like to just say that it hasent affected me or that i am just as happy as before, that would be complete bullshit. smiles are mostly forced and fake. i dont laugh like i use to and i just have a attitude, everything is bullshit. a few friends have labeled me as strong, which is flattering but i guess they dont see or hear what happens in my head. i am terrified of what is next and angry as hell about where my life has taken.

i guess i'll end it here...i have been listening to matt nathanson since christmas...i may be completely and utterly obsessed...