Tuesday, January 20

lots of chocolates and a few frustrations

as my roommate would say, happy new president day!...i actually watched the inauguration, mainly cause nothing else was on...but it is cool to have someone that i voted for win..

so i am super frustrated with lots of things and i cant pinpoint a source...oh wait...i can, can you say ms. its weird i dont sound like myself, i think like myself but every since nov when i lost my voice from ms for a weekish plus, i dont sound the same. i miss my own sound in my head...like alot, i hate talking cause i dont know who it is talking. 

i hate the new walk i have. its frustrating to go from once playing soccer, running and working out to a couch potato plagued with fatigue and operating glitches. you have no idea how frustrating it is to be in class and get up to head to the bathroom and have a glitch that makes you stop and just stand their till your body catches up with your now screaming thoughts of "omfg move!... fuck people are staring"

no one in my classes really knows whats wrong, people in my majors classes know i was out of school last semester, that i came back with chipmunk cheeks and my writing has changes, my talking has glitches and all my movements are just a bit off. 

i have this fear in the back of my mind that everyone can tell something is up...paranoia i know...my roommate and i walk into the dining hall and people stare...i know i am insane and they arent starting but when i go to grab my keys from the swiper lady and my arm starts shaking and i miss my keys as they are handed back to me, and my balance gets super funky as i go to pick them up, i just know that if i was in the room i would so be staring at me.

i have been reading some other peoples blogs and have noticed that after some tysabri treatments some of their symptoms of ms improve. how sweet would that be if my symptoms got better...however i will not get excited because i dont want a let down, let downs blow. 

tomorrow i have four classes and it pushes my fatigue level to the max. fatigue kicks my ass...i think i am seeing it more now then i ever thought i would have. after like ten hours of sleep i woke up exhausted. no one really gets it, i wish they did. how can you really explain to people that even if i ingested all the caffeine in the world i would still feel like i ran a marathon? i am kinda debating whether a drug could decrease the amount of fatigue i have but i hate drug side effects. 

one more complaint...observations for student teaching...my cooperating teacher wants to meet at nine am next tuesday, my day off...its not like the freaking school is next door, i haven't seen nine am since umm like december, nor did i ever plan on seeing nine am again...

and omg too much matt nathanson...i love the song all we are.

"In the end,
the words won't matter. No.
'cause in the end,
Nothing stays the same.
In the end dreams just scatter
and fall like rain."

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