its quiet finally

silence

is 

amazing.

motorcycles and traffic

i picked up my brother at 12:15 on the dot. i made him drive and we drove into the city. we ended up i guess on the north side at the first shop of the day. it was a bit scary and by a bit i mean that my brother refused to park the car and get out and go into the shop. yup it was slightly terrifying and where we would have parked our cars two men where walking along looking in car and testing handles for a open one...

after that we both decided to get out of the city and head toward a shop on the outter edge. unfortunately all they sold was harley gear and bikes. so our motorcycle day was a bust. the only plus was that my brother got harassed at this place by a tough biker chick at the counter...it was really funny. i honestly think if she was standing closer to us she would have learned over and pinch his butt. that i would have liked to see.

we then hit a second hand sports store to attempt to find racquetball stuff. but their prices were too high so we passed on that and headed to the mall. i got a cute shirt that has the word LOVE printed all over it. surprisingly i LOVE it.

now i am back and i got a kick ass parking space and i am staring at my wall of sawyer ( the guy from lost) while i am listening to the all american rejects and i am finishing this post and my suite mate is talking about her birth control...

i forgot a blog

i don't know what happen but i forgot to post a blog yesterday, so here it goes...

steps brother came because it is siblings weekend. with him here we were able to rearrange our room which honestly is always fun because at home my dad would be so annoyed if i tried to change my room every week but here we can do whatever we like. our new arrangement rocks. i was just in a bad mood so i did not post last night. this post also sucks. 

oh btw

after 3 hours of grading 

i left the high school

with a insane urge to drive to a store

and buy some cigarettes

light one and unwind

i don't know why

i have never smoked before

but when i got in my car 

the first thing i thought was

i need a cigarette

instead i went to tim hortons

i got a hot chocolate 

and a boston creme donut

and well obviously didnt get any cigarettes

ugh ugh ugh

looking for an easy way to piss me off?

well i got an idea for you!

make me get up at 6am

to go "observe" high school

but only let me sit in a office 

and grade papers for 3 hours.

i was insanely tired. 

wait, i still am.

i hate fatigue.

its messing up my life. 

now to continue with the tv marathon.

watched fools gold

30 rock

and now burn notice.

at me and my roommate at both lagging 

and we both just lay on our beds 

and stare off in space.

s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d

f.u.c.k.i.n.g  s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d  

s.o  i  r.e.a.d

t.h.a.n.k  g.o.d.  f.o.r  l.o.o.k.i.n.g  f.o.r  a.l.a.s.k.a

t.h.a.t  b.o.o.k  i.s  l.i.k.e  m.y  c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t

i.t  i.s  a.l.w.a.y.s  o.n  m.y  s.h.e.l.f

i.t  i.s  a.l.w.a.y.s  i.n  m.y  b.a.g

i.t  k.e.e.p.s  m.e  g.r.o.u.n.d.e.d

f.u.c.k  m.y  r.o.om.m.a.t.e.s  w.h.o  h.a.v.e.n.t  s.t.o.p.p.e.d

d.i.s.c.u.s.s.i.n.g  l.o.s.t

i.t  w.a.s  o.v.e.r  a  h.o.u.r  a.g.o 

g.i.v.e  i.t  a  b.r.e.a.k  f.o.r  t.h.e  n.i.g.h.t

g.o.o.d  n.e.w.s  i.s

i  g.o.t  a  A  o.n  m.y  c.o.n.s.u.m.e.r  b.e.h.a.v.i.o.r  p.a.p.e.r

s.w.e.e.t

b.u.t  f.u.c.k  s.t.r.e.s.s

is spring here yet?

i love spring for one main reason: motorcycle season starts.

i used to ride on the back of my dads and last year i got my own license and my brother and i bought a bike. i love riding, and until the snow goes away there is no riding. my brother and i are going shopping saturday for a new helmet for him and new gloves for me...cant wait...

riding just makes me feel better...just so free

i was listening to christina aguilera's song makeover...

"Feeling confined, like I'm being forced in

My vision's blurry and I'm lost in regrets

It's overload, and I'm out of control (out of control)

So sick and tired of feeling so misused (feeling so misused)

Taking me down with all your mental abuse

I must say, gotta get you out of my head

Everybody's always trying to look me over (look me over)

I just wanna live simple and free

I just wanna get away

Save it, all your bullshit, for another day

I'm the only one who can rescue me from me

Leaving the house another quarter to five

Slipped on my boots and I'm ready to ride

And I feel so high, I feel so alive

Let down my hair, feel the wind on my skin (wind on my skin)

Crossing the water where my new life begins

And I close my eyes and take it all in"

...don't worry i always wear my helmet...

gah

how does this make sense. i am taking tegretol for 1. spasms and now my dose was up'd to 300mg x 2 times day for dizziness and the whole vertigo thing...BUT umm the side affects below...i highlisted my area of concern in pink.

SIDE EFFECTS
Like all medicines, Tegretol, along with its desired effects, may also cause some unwanted effects. These are often mild and occur more often early in treatment and usually wear off after a few days of treatment.
Usually the following side effects do not need medical attention. However, if they last for more than a few days or cause real distress, check with your doctor:
More common: dizziness, sleepiness, sickness, unsteadiness.
Less common: headache, dry mouth.

kinda starting to freak

so today after a few room spinning minutes i called my doctors office, which stragitcally is closed for like 2 hours during the middle of the day. anyways they said take more anti sezure meds. so whatever.

but now i am freaking out, i cant even stop shaking. i woke up from a much needed nap and you now how like you wakeup and you have blurry vison for a bit and then it clears up....well one eye is def. blurry...enough to freak me out and make me upset to my stomach

uninspired

lately i have been uninspired to do anything. it could be because i have spent half my day dizzy or that i just feel like blah. i figure if it continues tomorrow i will just call my doctor because i really am tired of riding this ride...yup, ride, i feel like i am on the tea cup ride at sylvan beach...i am sure they have them everywhere but i rode those with my mom and after i rode those when i was like 5 i never rode them again. 

i just am in one of my moods. a mood where i just like being quiet. just sitting back and observing. i guess a week of not being able to talk teaches you how to just listen, observe and be content...not that i would ever wish to not to be able to talk, but it teaches you alot about yourself. people always think i am being rude when i dont talk and just nod my answer, but honestly i dont do it to be a jerk, i just like am subconsciously quiet. i dont wake up thinking how i am not going to talk that day, it just happens. who knows...

i have observations tomorrow, which means i get to get up bright and early, 6:15ish to be exact. uh it sucks getting up that early. i feel bad when i complain to my friends because i will always say something like, ugh i hate getting up at 6:15am and then they will say how they also hate it...but it takes alot for me not to respond back something like, yeah i would really hate getting up that early and NOT having that cute side effect of fatigue also. 

i had my education midterm tonight. i dont know who it was, all i know is that it was 10 essay questions and after like question 5 my hand was shaking, the room was tilting back and forth and all i could think was, does my teacher always bring two bags with him, or is the second bag some kind of man purse?

i was listening to vanessa carlton tonight and i forgot how much i loved her music...this song is superhero and i just love it and i definitely wouldnt object to having my own superhero...or even someone like edward cullen <3...ok>

"Superhero won't you come and take me away

Superhero won't you come and fly me away

Superhero, superhero, superhero won't you come

Save my day

Won't you, won't you, won't you take me home 

Won't you, won't you, won't you take me home

Won't you, won't you, won't you take

Won't you come and take me

Won't you come rescue me

Won't you come and take me"

yo no se

yo no se- i dont know

i dont know anything anymore. i am just over stuff. anyways, this morning my dad made me a giant breakfast...and it was his super amazing one that brought me back to his firefighter days. my dad is a retired firefighter, he retired we he was like 41ish i think, i had just finished 7th grade. i just love his firehouse cooking though, it rocks.

i messed around on the wii fit today. oddly i think the balance helps. but s adly the vertigo thing is acting up. i have felt like i am on a ship all day, even when i was driving back here all of a sudden i was thinking, shit the road is tipping back and forth.

yeah driving with that prob isnt good and yeah i havent told my parents at all but then i wouldnt be able to drive ever, and i am gonna guess that i am ok.

i am ok.

right?

just one of those days i guess

i am feeling blah. i went out and bought a new car stereo. i got one with an auxiliary input so i can plug in my ipod. i cant wait to test it out on the ride back to school tomorrow.

when we got home, my dad and i were in the car talking and my mom got out of the car, closed the door, started walking and fell down on the ice. she ended up behind my car and i was having trouble putting the car in park and i was going to reverse and pull up again but luckily we heard my mom yelling for help.

i stayed home while my mom and dad were at the er, she has a separated shoulder and she has be swearing all day...swearing worse than a sailor and its rather funny.

i feel disconnected from things. i was playing wii fit and its like my mind was not coordinated with my body. its weird because i am typing faster than ever but i am like thinking nothing. i am obviously thinking something or else i wouldnt be typing this but i eel as if nothing is coming across my mind.

yesterday my mom and i saw twilight...tonight we saw hancock.

i wish i had something great to say, but i dont feel like talking. i want to draw a box around my self and just hang out in there. people think they know me, they think they understand me, they think i am just fine, i wish they knew the real me, but really no one does. i am rarely honest with anyone, i think in some respect that is for the best because i am not a super peppy, upbeat amazing person and i really dont give a shit about anything if it does not somehow involve me. so that makes me sound like a bitch, but i am tired of people who think i am some kind of saint or that i can handle anything. i cant, i internalize stuff and it eats away at me. i am so incredibly numb to things...i used to cry about anything, now i dont ever cry.

the last time i really cried, like full out cried was the first time i was in the hospital, back in october. i had just gotten diagnosed and well the doctors decided it was best to drug me so i was calm...i was on ativan for a week, and i was so outta it, all i did was laugh...i didnt know what was going on, at night i would hallucinate. one night i hallucinated so bad, i called a friend in ca and i tried to convince her their were snakes in my bed, then i got sick and threw up.

they tried to give it to me in the hospital the second time but i refused it, if i couldnt talk, swallow or walk around, i at least wanted to be able to feel something, to be able to comprehend what was going on, not just laugh

i sorta feel like i am on it now of course minus those weird side effects. i am not anxious, i am not worried or freaking out, i just exist.

i guess i kind of understand why some people cut...not that i like condone it or something, but its like they must be so desperate to feel. i would love to feel pain in some sadistic way. no, i am not going to go cut, but i guess i understand why some people would. maybe, thats why i want a tattoo so bad, i have heard they are painful, and well i would love to inflict some of that onto myself.

god i am watching kayne west on snl, its a repeat, and man it is not that amazing...

for not having anything to say, my fingers sure are typing alot. i honestly dont think any of this makes sense, but it is like what day two with no benadryl, soon to be day 3...but i get like 7 hours of sleep and i am sure i will crash eventually, i just dont know when. i was thinking about it though earlier, and i may just start taking it again during the week...i am pretty sure its the only time my mind really really shuts down.

well whatever, might as well go to bed while my mind is oh so blah

Oh so this is vertigo

"Hello, hello... (Hola)

I'm at a place called Vertigo (dónde estás?)

It’s everything I wish I didn’t know

Except you give me something...

I can feel, feel"

no, i am not at a place called vertigo, like the U2 song...but like the song i wish i didnt know it

after dinner i was sitting on the couch and then all of a sudden it was like i was on a boat, except the room would tip to the left and then it would tip to the right, like a wave...sea sickness came right along with it...even if i closed my eyes i just knew the room was still moving. 

lets just hope this isnt a daily thing...if i felt that in class i would be too tempted to throw up. 

mirror mirror on the wall

who has the puffiest face in the world? 

my face is puffy, and has been since my long steriod use...i guess 3 months of steroids and side effects wont go away in a day, but its been like 3 weeks and i am just looking forward to seeing my old face back sometime.

i am in a weird mood. i realized that i can sleep without benadryl but instead of sleeping from like 12am-10am it was more like 1am-8am'ish. by 8 something i was like wide awake, my ribs hurt cause i slept on my stomach. i am a restless sleeper and at least benadryl knocked me out and i would sleep all night on my back...

the good news is that i dont seem to have any side effects from the tysabri infusion, no headaches, no flu like symptoms, so i am pleased with that. i am more positive that next month everything will go just as smooth because the night of my infusion i am driving to see matt nathanson. i talked my mom into going, so it should be interesting. her and i get along for about a hour, three hours max...soo a weekend at the falls should be peachy.

i am sure this is only the first post of a few today...what can i say, i get bored at night at home...

my day- part deux

after my infusion i drove to my grandparents and had lunch. i spent the rest of the afternoon watching soap operas with my grandma. we talked about each character, and frankly its fun when you are talking about how promiscuous certain ones are, or how bad their hair looks.

i then drove back to syracuse. being back home is nice. whenever i walk in the door i just feel more at ease. i love my room (i painted it myself, its so me and perfect...striped and dark and just my own space). everything here just feels right. 

i had the usually "debriefing" with my dad. i tell him everything that is going on. we do this once a week it seems, whether in person or on the phone. he can solve any of my problems and just talking to him makes everything in my mind make a bit more sense. he can calm me down better than anyone i know, which says alot, because to know that in a middle of a emotional breakdown i can pick of the phone and call him and he will just listen to me cry and wait till i can attempt to make some kind of sense is amazing. my mom would get frusterated and prob. drive out to rochester. my dad just knows that i need to get my stress out, and he can deal with it better than anyone i know.

when my mom got home for work we broke out the wii fit. my mom recently bought this and she was showing it off, and i was excited to hop on and beat her scores. of course, before i can begin the  ass kicking, the wii fit has to kick my ass and break me in two. when i was in the hospital i lost like 17+ pounds...so of course the major steroid doses and the fact that i could eat again meant that i would gain weight. i gained more than i wanted and the wii fit let me know by placing me in the "overweight" category. i honestly think that if i was home alone i would have sat down and cried. i still want to. apparently my desk drawer filled with candy has finally caught up to me...or up to my ass. 

i know that having ms means that things are harder. i know that i have to work hard to be in good shape and overall fit because i know that it will only make things easier for me. but i am one of those, eat away your worries kinda gals. my aunts on my fathers side all have that problem...i just dont wanna let go as much as they did. 

i think planet fitness is calling my name tomorrow...

this is the first night benadyrl free. i know when someone reads this they are probably thinking i am weird, and yup an addict, but honestly if you are not me, you have no idea what goes through my mind and you dont realize how aweful it is when you cant stop your mind...if your thoughts played through your mind 24/7 i think you would be just as satisfied with benadryl as i am.

anyways, its getting a bit late...but i found this piece of a song that i love...the whole song though makes me smiles...

"I have an excellent father

His strength is making me stronger"

-taylor swift- the best day

tysabri- infusion #2

my infusion went well, no complaints. since i was well hydrated the nurse had no issue stabbing me...i mean umm putting in the iv...she was busy talking and instead of saying "needle stick" when she poked me she forgot so i didnt expect it and i flinched a bit. 

i guess my lab work was good so they didnt feel the need to take my two tablespoons of blood...or maybe its teaspoons...i did have a high heart rate, but really i felt fine...i think its a white coat sydrome thing.

i forgot that tysabri is kept in a fridge, so when it goes in your body it is kinda cold, but i dont feel cold when i get it, my arm just sorta hurts. so i listen to my ipod and sit there for the hour infusion and then hang out for the additional hour wait time. its really not that bad. 2 hours once a month...lets hope it works well.

i heard again today that your body can "crave" this drug like 3 weeks into the 4 week wait time inbetween treatments. basically you get tired and you just get the feeling you need it again. people often call themselves addicts when this happens. i will be amused if i become an addict, mainly i will get to brag about being an addict. NOT that it is a good thing, or that i condone it, or that i want to be one...but come on, i wanna brag that i am addicted to something...

i finished my hospital stay with a cupcake with pink frosting and a chocolate milk. good ending to a not so bad visit.

time killer

i am shaking, shaking for no reason, so i am positive it is nerves. i hate waiting around in my room, i just wanna go to strong (the gigantic hospital!) and get this over with and get my stupid cupcake and chocolate milk so i can go. i hope its warm when i am getting my infusion cause i am freezing. its super windy outside and i hate when its windy cause then its loud outside my window. 

i couldnt sleep last night, i spent way to long staring at the ceiling and i would fall in and out of sleep, and can i just say that it sucked. i soo want benadryl. haha which reminds me to pack some. ok finally time to get ready. 

packing sucks

tomorrow is tysabri #2, and also the start of reading weekend, where i am happy to announce no reading will be taking place. i am going to pack up my car tonight, go to wegmans after lost cause i wanna get muffins and orange juice for breakfast and gatorade for the car ride home. i will prob. eat lunch at strong, most likely a cupcake and chocolate milk...keep my treatment reward routine going...last time i had a cupcake and chocolate milk as well...i really like routine. i wish this post was more important and had some real focus behind it, but i don't,  i apologize. i promise i will write more tomorrow night about my experience/day tomorrow.

juicy veins

i am spending today pumping up with fluids. tomorrow is tysabri infusion number two and i want a nurse to be able to find my veins super fast and stick one easily. so i make it easier by being well hydrated. so i raise my water bottle to everyone reading this , cheers to having juicy veins!

dreams...

no not my dreams as in life goals, but like the dreams i have at night or when i take naps. i never used to have any when i took benadryl, i guess when you are basically knocked out your mind isnt active enough to dream. but now that i am alittle drugged out i guess my mind is free to dream. so far mine are extremely realalistic and i find myself remembering pieces and parts of them throughout the day and i cant figure out if they are dreams or they are things that have actually happened. totally weird.

ugh benadryl

so on saturday i started taking 1 benadryl a night...well the past two nights i have taken 1 but i wake up around 6am and stay up till like 7:30am, then go back to sleep till 9:30-10...i kinda like taking two and being out from midnight to like 9-10oclock...

my goal is to not need it to sleep, but i have taken 1/2 benadryl since october...lets hope i can continue taking 1 for a while and then hopefully sometime go down to none.

i really am not always this obsessed

so i have to get this off my chest because i have been laughing to myself about it all day. i couldnt tell steph cause she would think i was beyond weird. i admit i am weird, but i hope whoever reads this finds it somewhat amusing.

so last night i was obviously sleeping but i had this dream. i was at my aunt house in a guest room upstairs. the door was open to my room and i was standing in the doorway. my aunt was downstairs in the kitchen. so when i was standing at the doorway with this blank expression, a door adjacent to my room opened and matt nathanson walked out. ( ok so i watch too many you tube videos of him, and i listen to his music when i sleep...and drive...and yup i am obsessed). i was super excited and kept saying, omg omg omg, you have to sign my pillow. yes, my pillow. and so he signed my pillow, and he was totally laughing at me, but i ran downstairs to tell my aunt all about it. after a while he came downstairs and headed off to a show. i ran back up stairs to stair at my pillow and noticed he wrote a note on the corner of my sheets, the note talked highlighted what he was excited about, i believe that he was proposing to his gf ( he really is married btw), he was playing letterman (which happened last friday) and the last one was that he was psyched to play niagara falls...

so i woke up after that, and sadly it was a dream, but i woke up listening to one of his songs and a smile on my face. whenever i thought about it today i started smiling and honestly, my day was awesome.

oh my bro!

so my brother had my car since thursday and today he came back to ra ra cha. after he dropped off his friends, him and i went to dinner. its always fun when you go to applebees with with bother and the waitress tell your YOUNGER brother all the good beers on the menu. ok ok, yes i look young and yes he has a fricken beard...but come on, he is still 18...i am jealous

so this morning my roommate and her cousin got up early and went to church and breakfast at my favorite place. no one ever told me so i had breakfast by myself here, and then wrote a paper, and then had lunch and listened to music all day.

i have still been in my ever so not nice, bitchy, funky mood. i am tired, and achy and just blah and that basically sums in up.

oh so one of my suite mates was complaining that she has to stay at school until the 5th of may. finals week is like a week long and when you are done with finals you get to leave. she unfortunately has a final on the last day. so i heard her complaining and sent her a text saying, dont be sad, be happy that you get to go to the MS walk...so YAY walk, boo western civ. So she came running out and told me all about how her and a few other girls were planning to do it and she was happy that i reminded her. 

i really love that people are going to walk in it. steph and i had been planning since i was diagnosed but to think that my other friends who do not have to stay are staying to walk it means the world.

so, go, get up and sign up, may 3rd is a big day people...ms walk!

uggggggggggggggggggggggggh

i get out of a extremely hot, long shower and i am destressed and then i smell popcorn. so apparently i was not invited to movie night because it started without me. 

i am now watching pride and prejudice.

my roommate just came in and asked me if i wanted to watch....ummm maybe you should think about that before you start the movie without me

longest day ever.

so i used to be able to function on 7 hours of sleep. yup, i remember those days...oh shit they were only less then what 6 months ago, not even. so whatever, me on whatever hours of sleep i got last night makes me a few things...bitchy, tired, annoyed, clumsy and oh yeah bitchy...yup bitchy twice cause i dont give a shit

i totally do not function well tired. everything annoys me. and ugh valentines day annoys me. i hate the dining hall on valentines day because there is like 10 people there and you are just reminded that you are one of the few dateless people there...

having a 12 year old around is starting to get to me. today we built a fort. i honestly dont miss fort building day. nope not at all. i like having my blankets folded up on my bed and i would prefer them not hanging from wardodes, connected to dressers, taped to desks and chairs...i think you get the point.

i also dont like playing games inside tents for hours...reading in the dark gives me a headache, and it oddly makes me feel like i am going to have a spasm...all my muscles start to like shake and i honestly hate that feeling. 

for now my roommate and her cousin are in the other room painting. i skipped out. i may snap if i participate...and if i didnt snap i would paint something that had some meaning behind it and it would prob be all black and emo'ish and yeah totally not a good impression.

so i am trying to relax and just chill, so i am watching you tube videos with my favorite guy...mr. matt nathanson...at least he makes me laugh

Valentines Day

its valentines day, so blah. it soo doesnt matter unless you are married or have a bf or something. anyways i am watching the su game and there was just a couple on the screen who got married this morning...aww how cute...but can you image if you were to umm divorce years later, then you would hate valentines day because you are single but also cause its supposed to be your anniversary...just a thought

anyways i feel weird. i got like 7 hours of sleep, which is like weird for me cause i am used to 8+. apparently stephs cousin likes to open and close our door each time she has to come in our room, which should only have been once to grab breakfest, but nope the door opening started at like 8 and continued till i gave up and got outta bed. she also had the tv on super loud...so i am a bit cranky and everything in my body hurts, every muscles and stuff...hopefully it gets better

omg omg omg

i interrupt this blog post to tell you that tonight, matt nathanson, is on david letterman. i cant wait!

so today/tonight my roommates 12 year old cousin is staying with us. it should be interesting, she is not allowed to watch like anything...let alone the kind of shows steph and i like. umm we cant swear or anything, its going to be extremely hard not to. good thing i have homework to keep me preoccupied. i even got enough energy to cleaned up my half of the room, at least i wont look like i total slob.

i wont lie though, a nap is lookin pretty darn good now

uh that bitch.

ok so i am annoyed at one of my suitemates. she is one of the hannahs. she is a speech major. today in audiology she volunteered to participate in this test to test like auditory brain function. the professor messed up on the microphone in her ear and the test didnt pick up functioning in her ear, so she got all concerned and she mad this massive deal about it. oh btw after he fixed the microphone everything worked perfectly...but seriously, god forbid she is not perfect.we all know if she was flawed in any way it would be the end of the world. she makes me so mad. maybe its just because i am mad that i have something that cant be fixed, that  bothers me all the time, and that she freaks out at the thought of some kind of auditory brain problem. yup, the "thought"...maybe i should remind her that ms is indeed neurological. ugh she is a bitch. 

just ugh

so i am currently in a very "ugh" mood...i hope to blog later

btw

thank you for making me go...

i survived

i am happy to report that i survived the meeting. ok soo i  got lost a few times...just twice...umm i couldnt figure out how to get on 590...apparently i turned to late, drove in a square and went a different way. and then i drove and drove and saw friendlys and umm passed it and attempted to turn around in a neighborhood thing and i mighta sorta got turned around. however, in my defense i blame fog and darkness and the fact that i dont know the area.

anyways, i met two women in their thirties and a girl who is 19. it was really cool to discuss things with people who are going through or have gone through it. it was so weird to be sitting at this table with three other people who just get it. we exchanged phone numbers and i feel like i have this little support group thing starting and i really like it. i defiantly will be going to the next meeting and the next...

my roommates commented that i was super giggly after, and i guess its just good to have that dinner. oh yeah my suitemates asked where i was and i told them and they were happy i went...i feel relieved and just at ease.

so i am ending tonight by watching the real world...it makes me feel so much more normal...those people have some issues...

umm what day is it?

this morning i woke up and thought it was saturday- soo i turned off my alarm and luckily woke up like 20 min before class started

after my consumer behavior test i walked to my room, put away all my books because, oh yeah i thought it was friday...

but, saddly no, it is not the weekend. it is wed. which means tomorrow morning i have to wake up bright and early to go to, OMG,  high school!...yup, just a hint of scarism here...

and then tomorrow afternoon my brother is stealing my car to drive home..he has friday off. i will miss my car for the weekend, esp cause my rooommates 11 year old cousin is staying with us. lets see how long i can go without swearing or making a , thats what she said, comment.

no matter how many times i straighten my hair, the ends keep getting wavy...damn fog

so my mother sent me a valentines box fileld with candy, she also sent one for my roommate. i however am eating like the whole thing because i am sooooooo nervous. tonight in about a hour i am meeting the group of people ms group for 20/30's...i may puke...and ummm i doubt that would be pleasant since i ate a whole bunch of gummy bears....my question is umm how do i know who these people are...like do they were giant signed on their heads saying " MS GROUP" with arrows pointing down? or do they all huddle together somewhere and i have to walk up to them...or will somebody randomly guess i am supposed to meet them...

and now i am going to attempt to straighten my hair one last time...

condoms.

umm so our "floor" for our little section of the dorm consists of 2 rooms, 4 girls each and 1 ra. our ra never talks to us and she always plans programs with another ra. so this months program we boycotted...it was like sex in the city, sex on the beach...tonight about 3 hours after the program we went outside our rooms to find small zip lock bags for each pair of girls...inside each one contained:

1. candy

2. weird tattoos

3. ummm condoms

now our floor is random and fun and we are really strange but none of us take boys home with us...its pretty safe to say we dont need ziplocks full of condoms...me and steph split ours, i got a orange one that is even orange flavored...yup...umm enough said about that...

p.s- stephs is red...is it cherry flavored...or something like peppermint...but them i would be reminded of a dentist for somereason...and umm ewww nasty thoughts....

but watch my parents or brother will randomly stop in, see the condoms and then everything will be awkard...yet i have no intentions of throwing them out maining cause its soo funny that we got them...

i am off to bed...

so today i woke up at 6:00, i had to observe this morning and i am rather certain that ms should have a nickname like the yawn inducer. i musta yawned about a million times this morning. anyways in school i graded assignments and put them in a grade book...i was a teacher for umm 20 minutes...

so i took a two hour nap. two hours was not long enough but it has got me through the rest of the day. but now i may collapse on my bed. i have a consumer behavior test tomorrow, it makes me feel sick. 

this is like the worst blog post ever, my suitemate is talking insanely loud to her parents and distracting me. yup, i am self centered...i wanna study and i want her to shut up and i dont care that she has funny stories...nope nope nope i dont care.

tomorrow i am going to that ms meeting...meeting at friendlys...and umm my roommate wanted to know why, when, why and with whom i was going to meet...and so i handed her the flyer which she said had limited details and so i filled her in so she wouldnt hate me. not like hate me, but she would think that i was hiding something, which i wasent but i waset like open...

so now like sleep..or something...or studying

btw i love my ipod because i can sleep with matt nathanson singing in my ears...at least then i wake up smiling

and its monday

ok so my super awesome blog is incredibly hard to write to night for a few reasons. 

the first is that last night i tossed and turned and woke up and had weird dreams...i took two benidryl and i should have been out cold like normal, but last night i guess my mind won. its not like i was super nervous about anything...ok, that a life, i was kinda freaked out about the itching, but good news it that throughout the day today it disappeared. 

the second reason is that i had 5 classes today. 1 accounting test, i got back two other tests/quizzes- a 88 and 96! and then i had a boring class and the last is my 2 1/2 hour class, methods of teaching business ed. the weird thing was that we ave to do lesson plans and unit plans so i went up to my advisors office to raid his collection of business ed books. i walked in and he was talking to my consumer behavior professor. my advisor and consumer behavior professor teachers are the co chairs of the dept or something...and anyways my advisor started asking me about how i was doing, he said i was looking good, and he was curious about my treatment. keep in mind i never told any of my professors this semester what was going on...so my consumer behavior professor was looking at me like i was dying or something...i hope he doesnt talk to me about stuff in class...

the third reason is that i got a text from my dad to check my email when i could...so i did and there was this message: "Some guy from Biogen called and wanted to talk to you.  I gave him your cell number and said the best time to call was tues and thrurs after noon.  He said he was calling as part of a follow up and counsel program they have.  They are interested about how their product is working and if you have any questions etc." i would rather not talk to them mainly cause really what do they think, i am magically better...or maybe they are wondering if i like am worse from it, do they really wanna know i am the same?

the fourth reason is that i got a email from the head of the ms group for the 20's and 30's or whatever...and they are meeting wednsday at like 6:30...i feel weird going to that, i hate that i am always like the youngest...i get nervous meeting new people, like super anxious and stressed...so you can imagine my hesitation for going...oh there is also a SU game on that night...but on the other hand its important that i meet people who have ms and can deal with it...socialization is always good...right? and i think my friend would kill me if i didnt go. she is the only one who knows about it and i really dont wannna discuss it with my suitemates/roommates, they dont get it, they think everything is peachy...little do they know...

ok so i had alot to blog but i was listening to the frays cd and this one song, where the story ends, is great... 

"All we know is distance

We’re close and then we run

Kiss away the difference

I know you hate this one

But this is how the story ends

Or have we just begun"

i guess i kinda feel like i relate in a bit of a different way than probably the true meaning of the song, but when i read this i think that distance is all i know, meaning distance in most of my relationships, and when i get close to someone i feel the need to breakaway from the person...real relationships we people are so much scarier for me than the fake, shallow kind...but the real ones are the ones that count..

and i have a early morning tomorrow, observations, bright and early...

omg the itch

and i took a shower hoping to get rid of the insane itching...and it didnt help...i started being itchy this morning but didnt think anything of it...and now as i trying not to itch  my skin off i found this:

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/about-multiple-sclerosis/symptoms/itching/index.aspx

no i can itch and freak out...let hope 2 benidryl help

mmm Godiva cheesecake

ok so today my parents came out and they brought my grandparents with them. it was my grandmas birthday yesterday so we went to the cheesecake factory to celebrate. i brought my roommate and we also picked up my brother from his school. on the way to his school ( which is about 1 mile away) we almost got hit by a buy. so i was stopping at the end of a school road to turn left onto a main road and this bus who was also turning left into the road i was in turned way to soon and had to stop when he was about 5 inches away from my bumper. luckily i was able to back up and get away from the crazy man...

anyways we made it to the cheesecake factory and we had a interesting waiter who forgot to ask us for drink orders...and he messed up every salad dressing order...but he could tell us numerous boring facts about how the cheesecake factory is going to open in 2010-2011 in syracuse. yup, snoozefest.

i have a accounting test tomorrow, i have studied and studied and now i give up. i will take the test and hope for the best.

and now its a house marathon.  i love house. my mother hates house. i guess she has a right to. the first time she watched it was about 2 weeks after i got outta the hospital the second time and i had turned it on and they was some mentioning of a plasma exchange...i guess it was not a subject she wants to watch on tv. ok fair enough, but i love it because i like seeing the thought process and teams and i guess i feel like i relate to it somehow because i had a team of doctors who during my second hospital stay would come in and do tests and read scans and discuss possibilities.

and now i may itch to death, everything has itched all day...its weird.

i am so not the "typical" college student

it doesnt feel life a saturday...ok i know its saturday but i spent 3 hours after dinner studying accounting and then watched step brothers with my roommate. i also did my laundry...i am officially the uncoolest college kid ever..well at least prob. the greater rochester area. 

so i was rather distracted earlier during the movie...my mind kept wandering to the weirdest topics.

topic uno: whats in my fridge. no joke, i kept wondering what was in my fridge...i mean seriously what could be in there...all i drink is gatorade and milk...i dont but milk so that leaves gatorade. yup, i checked and i have 6 gatorades in my fridge...but i also have about 40 under my bed...see, not lying i live on gatorade. i havent drank straight water since nov. i cant drink water because i had this experience when i couldnt swallow liquids in the hospital. a speech therapist made me try swallowing water even though i knew that was impossible. i couldnt even swallow my spit....let alone water. but none the less i tried and i choked. it was horrible and i spit it out and i just  cant get past drinking straight water again. 

topic dos: where the hell are my keys? are they in my jacket pocket? are they in my drawer? or did i leave them in the dining hall? all plausible options...but i couldn't for the life of me remember where they were...turns out they were on top of my desk...

topic tres: i knew i was planning to do something tonight, but what was it? i thought maybe i planned to go to the store, or fold my laundry, or well i cant remember if i was thinking anything else...turns out i was going to give my fish batman new water...maybe tomorrow batman...maybe tomorrow. 

ok enough points...now to the bigger picture...my freakin memory. no i dont have like crazy memory loss but i cant remember some stuff. like i put away three shirts in my closet, all in a row. the first shirt was beige,the second two were blue. the whole process took about 20 seconds, i put them on hangers and hung them up. after i hung up the last shirt i turned to me bed and began to search the pile for the first beige shirt. i really didnt remember hanging it up. 

yeah its weird, but i just notice that stuff more and more. i cant remember where i put my keys, my homework...i forgot what i am doing while i am doing it...its freaky...i feel like i should play a million games of memory to help with this...who knows.

but it is saturday which means tomorrow is sunday which means i can sleep in tomorrow and i can get lots of studying done. yipee! *rolls her eyes* i think i may be the opposite of the "typical" college student...