i am feeling blah. i went out and bought a new car stereo. i got one with an auxiliary input so i can plug in my ipod. i cant wait to test it out on the ride back to school tomorrow.
when we got home, my dad and i were in the car talking and my mom got out of the car, closed the door, started walking and fell down on the ice. she ended up behind my car and i was having trouble putting the car in park and i was going to reverse and pull up again but luckily we heard my mom yelling for help.
i stayed home while my mom and dad were at the er, she has a separated shoulder and she has be swearing all day...swearing worse than a sailor and its rather funny.
i feel disconnected from things. i was playing wii fit and its like my mind was not coordinated with my body. its weird because i am typing faster than ever but i am like thinking nothing. i am obviously thinking something or else i wouldnt be typing this but i eel as if nothing is coming across my mind.
yesterday my mom and i saw twilight...tonight we saw hancock.
i wish i had something great to say, but i dont feel like talking. i want to draw a box around my self and just hang out in there. people think they know me, they think they understand me, they think i am just fine, i wish they knew the real me, but really no one does. i am rarely honest with anyone, i think in some respect that is for the best because i am not a super peppy, upbeat amazing person and i really dont give a shit about anything if it does not somehow involve me. so that makes me sound like a bitch, but i am tired of people who think i am some kind of saint or that i can handle anything. i cant, i internalize stuff and it eats away at me. i am so incredibly numb to things...i used to cry about anything, now i dont ever cry.
the last time i really cried, like full out cried was the first time i was in the hospital, back in october. i had just gotten diagnosed and well the doctors decided it was best to drug me so i was calm...i was on ativan for a week, and i was so outta it, all i did was laugh...i didnt know what was going on, at night i would hallucinate. one night i hallucinated so bad, i called a friend in ca and i tried to convince her their were snakes in my bed, then i got sick and threw up.
they tried to give it to me in the hospital the second time but i refused it, if i couldnt talk, swallow or walk around, i at least wanted to be able to feel something, to be able to comprehend what was going on, not just laugh
i sorta feel like i am on it now of course minus those weird side effects. i am not anxious, i am not worried or freaking out, i just exist.
i guess i kind of understand why some people cut...not that i like condone it or something, but its like they must be so desperate to feel. i would love to feel pain in some sadistic way. no, i am not going to go cut, but i guess i understand why some people would. maybe, thats why i want a tattoo so bad, i have heard they are painful, and well i would love to inflict some of that onto myself.
god i am watching kayne west on snl, its a repeat, and man it is not that amazing...
for not having anything to say, my fingers sure are typing alot. i honestly dont think any of this makes sense, but it is like what day two with no benadryl, soon to be day 3...but i get like 7 hours of sleep and i am sure i will crash eventually, i just dont know when. i was thinking about it though earlier, and i may just start taking it again during the week...i am pretty sure its the only time my mind really really shuts down.
well whatever, might as well go to bed while my mind is oh so blah