Monday, February 2

and...its monday

it is monday

i hate mondays in general for a few reasons.
  1.  no matter how much you sleep sunday night, you never feel rested enough for a monday.
  2. classes always feel longer on monday.
  3. even at the end of a monday you are still frustrated because you realize there is still 4 days left in the week.
however, i loved this monday because:
  1. i got a a- on a paper in consumer behavior. my professor said "if you were lucky enough to get a b+ or higher, consider yourself prepared and well off for this class."
  2. i got a 110 on a accounting quiz...and accounting is so not my strong point.
  3. i realized that i can do this whole school thing, and when i start doubting this, i just think, if i can do better in classes than the kid next to me, thats all that matters. i proved to myself that i can do it, i can get good grades and better yet these professors do not know about my ms, so i have no fear that they are grading my work differently...

and enough of patting myself on the back and back to the blog of the day:

last night i was texting a friend and it was late at night and i was thinking and i tossed out a idea about how socially awkward ms makes me feel. i am paranoid that i have like a label on my head that broadcast what i have. yeah i talk almost normal (except for a few words, esp ones that start with g, j or sometimes s) , i dont look too different (except for my not so even smile when i get tired), but i feel different. i really do, i feel like my personality has changed. today in my consumer behavior class we learned that personalities change after major life events. i would say that my latest "attack" was a major life event. i am certainly alot quieter, reserved and i hate participating in group conversations. i feel alot more comfortable keeping to myself, i honestly think i could move to alaska, live in a cabin, have a giant book collection, a laptop and be perfectly happy. i love quiet, i cant stand people around me if i dont know them. i dont wanna get to know people, i kinda like my quietness like it is. 

i would say that before this "attack" i was alot more outgoing, and loud and random and insane...i certainly have mellowed out alot. i do however love just observing how people act, i like to just sit back and watch and then i do what i do best, judge. i judge people way to much, its probably a major flaw in my life, but if i see someone taking advantage of what they have in life i automatically just stay away from them. i stay away from them because i know that i would not be able to stay sane around them. i hate people for complaining about things that others dont have. i have become insanely grateful for the ability to talk, the ability to swallow, the ability to walk...and others just assume they will never have a problem with it, they take it for granted. i know i used to take it for granted, but as any young adult, i cant blame them for this, but i cant help to get annoyed. you can never anticipate what will happen in the future, but you can be grateful for what you have every moment in your life. 

i find myself thinking in classes about things other than whats going on in class. my mind wanders, and i cant tell if its any different than before my "attack." i feel like i could better pay attention before, but can i just not pay attention now because my mind is so consumed with other issues or is it because something is not quite right in this brain of mine? i wished i would find out the results of my mri sooner than april, i would rather just get it over with and see whats happening up their. i hope that the tysabri holds off this insane demyelinating disease, but nothing lasts for ever and i cant give my hopes up on one drug. 

who knows where this crazy life will lead us. i hope that when i graduate in may '10 i hope that i will be able to teach, i hope that everything works out. i want to teach for a few years, i want to maybe donate some of my time to the ms society, i want to someday open a bakery, i want to travel and see prague...i truly have no doubts that i can do this, i just cant let ms beat me.

tomorrow i start my observations in a high school classroom. i just hope that i do not trip over something or stop mind sentence and have to remember what i was trying to say or yawn like a crazy person for the 3 hours i will be there. i will also start wearing my ms bracelet that i got from the national ms society website. i got a few of them and i gave them to people that have supported me through everything and people that i know will always be there when i need it. i will wear it everyday, it will become a part of me just like ms has become a part of me.

and so tomorrow the fray's new cd comes out, and i will drive out of my way after observations to get it. one of my favorite songs they have so far is, you found me. this song makes me think, maybe think too much, but i still love it.

"Where were you 
When everything was 
falling apart? 
All my days 
Were spent by the telephone 
It never rang 
And all I needed was a call 
It never came 
To the corner of 
First and Amistad "

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